Relationships

Is it true or just another fad?

2011-01-27T17:14:00.141Z

"Most of the change we think we see in life is due to truths being in and out of favour" says Robert Frost, poet speaking through his poem, "The Black Cottage". This poet was fascinated by the meaning of truth and decisions. He has produced many quotes which follow a similar train of thought. In this sense, he was ahead of his time. Only now, with a social constructionist theory of knowledge being considered (that there are many versions of knowledge and truths - depending upon one's values, culture, experiences, religion, and so on); overtaking the previous view of knowledge which was that theories were facts for a period of time - or at least until a new theory came along and knocked it off its perch! At one time the earth was considered flat, now it is round; we used to believe that doctors were witches, now they are life-savers; women have been considered equal to gods in some cultures and to devils in others; the same goes for cats; Hawking's Theory M topples Einstein's E=MC2 which in turn toppled Newton's Laws; etc. etc.

Only now are we accepting that our knowledge is constructed in time, space, situation and environment. Or, as per the opinions of Robert Frost, true knowledge is highly questionable. As he said later in life, "a jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer!"

It is this doubt in traditional organisational decision-making and thinking that now preoccupies organisational developmental psychologists, anthropologists, knowledge management specialists, management thinkers and social scientists. What methods do we really have at our disposal, in order to effectively handle such grey areas as "Truths"? Does someone have a bad attitude, as I have heard said about the naysayers to a change initiative, or are they making a valid point with genuine concern for the organisation? Many change initiatives fail in the earliest phases (studies show that around 50% do not get off the starting blocks; with the other 50% performing moderately to poorly against expectations).

Curiously, the methods for challenging truths are the ones we have become most preoccupied with lately. The most useful methods (IMHO) being developed have been the skills in facilitating groups to widen perspectives, altering their individual models of learning, and so altering long-held "truths". Done well, this allows more imaginative and better solutions to be found. Do it poorly however and groups will polarise further, clam up and even disband (often in a pretty visceral and unpleasant way).

Some real "hot spots" include attempts at altering power distribution and status (one of the many reasons why change initiatives are so fraught with conflict); religious beliefs; traditions; theoretical "certainties"; and crossing boundaries (boundaries are usually personal and highly subjective). It takes a very skilled facilitator to take all these into account. Placing a hand on the shoulder of another for instance, can represent very different things, with the potential for crossing a personal or cultural boundary of acceptable personal space. When Tony Blair, the UK's PM at that time, sat beside Libya's Colonel Gadaffi, Arab nations around the world recoiled at the insult of Gadaffi showing the sole of his shoe to Blair. To most Westerners however, this act went completely unnoticed.

Another factor to consider is where a power imbalance is too great. Challenge, even though constructive, tends not to work particularly well here so firstly always try to level the playing field as much as possible (or get an impartial mediator to facilitate).

Where religions differences are at the root of the problem, enhanced discovery through education and exposure to other beliefs can be a better means of improvement, moreso than simply discussion forums or focus groups, as in the case of Northern Ireland's troubles where childrens' schooling ceased to be segregated. In doing so there became an improved chance to expose catholics to protestants and vice versa, at an earlier age, with a mutual goal of learning as well as reducing the dehumanisation that segregation had encouraged.

Broadening one's own experiences is often the most effective way of being able to see things from another perspective. As the old proverb says, "do not judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes". In other words, if you're the boss, don't think that you can open up the group to challenge through using your position in the hierarchy - good bosses know that they tread a thin line here.

Equally, if you disagree with someone's religion, let it alone. We mightn't like the actions of those defined by a particular belief system but if it can be addressed at all, this can only be done in terms of specific interactions, treated very separately from the religious or spiritual beliefs (not easy to do at all). In the words of original System Thinker, Russ Ackoff, our leaders' jobs are now "to manage .. interactions, not actions, and the interactions of the unit managed with other internal and external organizations. This can only be done with a social systemic model in mind." (On The Mismatch Between Systems And Their Models, Russell L. Ackoff and Jamshid Gharajedaghi).

These skills are not so much about knowing that we must challenge our long-held beliefs or truisms, but rather it is how these long-held beliefs can be changed, and whether we should try (include here how to anticipate limits). Creative methods in the fields of knowledge management, conflict resolution, psychology and learning are constantly being adapted, tested and challenged. Frequently I hear people say "if we do that then ...". "If .. then .. " statements are laden with assumptions (and faulty conclusions). When we hear them we need to ask questions such as "is this completely true?"; "when might that not be the case?"; "would anyone disagree with that assumption (and why)?". Of course, be aware that simply by asking these questions in an environment insufficiently primed for them, you could be lighting touch-paper!

I will be taking some time out from writing this blog in order to work on a Handbook for Organisational Learning. Please contact me if you would like more information on the methods for encouraging learning and better relationships in organisations.

The Game Changers for 2011

2011-01-06T11:20:00.013Z

Families no longer sit around the TV as captive audiences to commercial breaks. Fact. As early as June 26th 2002 Lord Saatchi announced "The funeral rites have been observed" to advertisers. Even for the most innovative TV commercials, audiences will often struggle to remember the product being promoted.

As I commented in last year's final blog, Generation Y are more preoccupied by ipodding, texting, phoning and downloading and so responsive to this far more than television.

Advertising has traditionally been following the interruption-disruption model, where TV programmes are separated by a number of commercial breaks. The same goes for newspaper ads, google ads and anything punctuated by adverts, treating the consumer as the passive recipient of unaviodable messages.

So what's coming (what's already here)? Smartphones and in particular the Apple iPad. These have been major behaviour changers. One French duo, named Konbini, have set up their service based upon product placement (PP). This is currently illegal on television in their own country, however it is unregulated on the internet. This embedding of products has been a long-time standard for Hollywood movies, whereby products used by the hero or heroine become more popular by association. Konbini produce short films with ingenious themes. London's W Hotel is another example, commissioning a short "film" featuring two famous supermodels (http://bit.ly/g52Jhk) which would never stoop to overtly promoting their hotel, other than the viewer seeing the hotel as the venue for these two incredibly beautiful people to meet.

In overcoming the problem of language barrier associated with transmitting messages, many Europeans are now turning to the language of "globish" - a truncated form of the English language, containing around 1,500 words (http://bit.ly/fODz6i). Konbini's films are all written and produced in Globish.

So, it appears that we will need to become more prepared for being sold things through the medium of fiction, art, music and drama; as well as a new English language, adapted for international use. I guess like all trends, this one could last for a while, before it becomes incredibly novel and exciting to make art without allowing PP once more; and using something other than a basic version of English. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose? May we live in interesting times and happy 2011!

What's the value in a network?

2010-11-22T18:01:00.011Z

The Generation Y employee is used to texting, emailing, virtual networking, buying from ebay and googling. All of which are activities being tapped into by the more innovative organisations. Message to disgruntled employers who try to ban them - you're missing a trick. As I am frequently told when I moan about reality TV - "Resistance is Futile"!

Generation Y entrepreneur Mark Elliot Zuckerberg (born May 14, 1984) is an American who co-founded the social networking site Facebook. On Zuckerberg's Facebook page, he lists his personal interests as "openness, making things that help people connect and share what's important to them, revolutions, information flow, minimalism." Already facebook are trying to figure out how to monetise eliminating email through creating new ways for us to communicate.

The main criticism of facebook is that as it is centralised, it is a form of "spying for free" however this is where it's value currently comes from. Through selling this knowledge for commercial purposes as well as being able to generate advertising revenue. The current value of this network is huge - in terms of monetising its value, apparently Facebook falls somewhere between Google, Ebay and Yahoo (estimated between $30-50bn .. so pretty huge in financial terms).

When we talk of relationships and leverage in business we are no longer just considering the strength of those between employees, clients and suppliers. We have to think of our relationships with the world. In order to respond, adapt, and keep ahead of the pack, we have to let the employees who are ardent networkers, ebayers and googlers lead the way in terms of networking. It's no coincidence then, that the entrepreneurs who are making their mark in networking are from the Generation Y brigade. Is it then the case that we need Generation Y bosses who can think in the same way? Possibly ... Can it be learned by a Generation X boss? Possibly..

In terms of placing a value on your people, they are still considered to be largely an "intangible asset". However, in terms of networking and knowledge, their value is inestimable. Intangible assets such as human knowledge, internal structures, ways of working, reputation, and business relationships are not easily monetised in clearly defined terms. There are some methods which aim to model, analyse, evaluate, and improve the capability of a business to convert both tangible and intangible assets into other forms of negotiable value, and to realise greater value for themselves. Underlying this approach is an understanding that intangible, but nonetheless strong and dynamic relationships, and the intangible assets that make up and have an impact on those relationships, are the foundation of any successful business endeavour. It does appear to be the case that the future success of an organisation as a whole is going to depend more and more on how effectively it can demonstrate and so convert one form of value into another. This seems to be something which Facebook is also keen to do also - if they succeed then this will affect the value (and leadership and communication capability) of every organisation on the planet.

Fertile Learning Environments

2010-10-06T15:09:00.051+01:00

So, in fulfilling the promise I made in my last blog, here are a few observations gathered from the experts highlighting the key conditions most needed for the more adaptable and ultimately healthier learning organisation to flourish:

1. Improve harmony through allowing freedom to adapt . As I said in my previous blog, if change is a top-down "sheep-dipping" exercise of pushing everyone through, then it will most likely fail. The impact is bigger when we think smaller and this is where equilibrium can more readily be established. Jack Welsch, ex-CEO of General Electric, moved from a top-down vision (that GE had to be no. 1 or no.2 in their markets) to a more learning organisation, his "Work-Out" concept. In societal terms, local communities understand peoples needs better than national governments can.

2. Develop trust. Sometimes a leader will say, "Oh we already do a lot of that. We hold monthly team-building sessions, etc." However, consider something more along the lines of getting beneath the "masks" that we wear. Many people have a different persona at work to home for example, and it can be risky to drop them (I do not mean crossing important personal boundaries, such as invading peoples' privacy however). Rather it involves understanding true opinions about ideas, uncertainties, fears and failures without judgement or blame. I remember one occasion where I observed a team all dutifully agreeing with the boss during their management meeting, except one, who was pulled up for opposing the others before then obediently falling into line. After the meeting however, several pulled me over privately to have a conversation much more meaningful than the one I had observed during the meeting. Which information is more valuable in this instance - that shared during the meeting or that outside it? So how as Team Leader or Department Head can you begin to develop more trust? Try exploring opinions and assumptions with attention given to underlying interests and fears; and ensure any "sacred cows" or "elephants sitting in the corner of the room" are broached. Where information is shared there is more transparency and so trust. As Sun T'zu wrote in "The Art of War", to defeat one's enemy one must first understand him. The enemy in this instance is the risk of misunderstandings and opportunities lost that lack of trust brings.

Teams exhibiting poor trust try to avoid failure through working longer hours, experience less job satisfaction, take less pride in their work, and more readily blame others for their shortcomings (Dee, 1995a).

3. Distribute authority.Team leaders who are able to "suspend the hierarchy" and serve as equal team members are most successful (DuBrin, 1995). This entails allowing the right people to make important decisions at the time they are needed, rather than deferring to a higher authority. From fairly inocuous examples of a waiter offering a compensatory drink or aperitif where the meal is taking too long to arrive, to a member of the military's rank and file nominating a peer for immediate stress leave or counselling and being taken seriously, both demonstrate how sharing authority can have an immediate and positive impact. Effective teamwork requires that team members feel free to contribute freely, despite formal hierarchies. This type of freedom is characteristic of high performing teams (McIntyre and Salas, 1995). One basic concept asserted by the leading thinkers in this area (Senge, Ross, Smith, Roberts, & Kleiner) is that teams have "common territories." The implication of "common territories" is that individual team members need one another to take action (Senge et al., 1994) and so achieving objectives is more important than formalised hierarchies.

4. Share the credit. Collaboration won't work where any one person hogs the limelight at the expense of the others. Make sure that any "wall-flowers" are drawn out and consulted and that prolific talkers are managed. Early indicators of collaboration and rewarding the collective as opposed to the individual is the use of language - "we", "us" and "ours" versus "I", "my", "you" and "yours". Individuals who work much harder at retaining their individuality, status or reward than on team goals will hamper adaptability and learning.

5. Respect conflict. High levels of creativity and initiative in team processes sometimes require conflict and many different perspectives. The mindset needs to be "resolving conflict" by working through it rather than avoiding it. Consider how your team's capability at striving for balance between conformity towards group goals and yet retaining uniqueness of thought and actions can be improved.

6. Leaders as coaches. Leaders who make effective coaches resist using management techniques that emphasize giving orders, making threats, setting deadlines, requiring quotas, and handing out reprimands. Flexibility, learning and adaptation will not occur in an intimidating environment.

7. Raise consciousness through dialogue. Dialogue should be considered a "core team competency" because of its impact on team effectiveness and team learning. Dialogue helps to bring faulty assumptions (mental models) to the surface so that they can be challenged. Dialogue requires four processes for success: 1. Invitation; 2. Generative Listening; 3. Observing the Observer; and 4. Suspending Assumptions (Senge 1994). This cannot happen where there is a climate of fear of disapproval, penalty or judgement.

8. Tap into social networks, virtual and real, for more rapid innovation. Technology has caused society to more rapidly change and as social networks are more easily formed the old hierarchical structures of organisations have been made obsolete. A good example might be to consider how traditional government and policy-making is being influenced more and more by a groundswell of a more connected and more informed public. As described by Charles Handy (1996), organisations have become more like "networks," and in order to function, "networks" must have connectivity. Social networks derive energy from feeling good through the act of participation, with contribution voluntary.

I must admit, I struggled to write this list. Each point above sounds like a simple statement of "how to" whereas in reality their execution would be far more complex and open to interpretation. Equally, not all points above hold equal weight. If we bake a loaf of bread for instance, the temperature can afford to be too high and we will still achieve something pretty close. If we forget to add yeast however, we will never get an edible loaf. If I were asked to define the most important thing needed for creating a learning organisation, my thoughts go to control and certainty (the yeast?). At the most fundamental level, how much does the organisation value control and how much does it need certainty? For a more adaptable organisation to exist, as with society, control must be relinquished and certainty sacrificed.

Top "Soft" Planning Tip

2010-09-22T09:01:00.023+01:00

When planning the execution of new or modified operations, there are some critical "soft" factors that any strategist or project manager should be aware of. Most importantly of all is this:

Do not separate the "planners" from the "do'ers".

Many successful strategies are formed through an "emergent process" of organisational learning - learning from those doing the work that feeds back into, and modifies the detailed plans laid out beforehand. One recent example of the U.S. military conducting successful emergent planning is the evolution of the "Surge" Strategy in Iraq. This has been the result of a bottom-up feedback of learning from the leaders on the ground, rather than from top-down directives. This identified issues that would otherwise have been missed had plans simply been the product of a top-down strategic review. As such, learnings such as the need to firstly provide law and security for the local population were implemented.

Disappointing results from traditional models of strategic planning also led General Electric's renowned CEO, Jack Welch, to begin his transformation of the company by making major reductions in the overly bureaucratic strategic planning mechanisms that were in place in the early 1980s. Over the next several decades, other leading corporations such as Intel, Honda, Royal Dutch / Shell Group, Exxon and Google have followed more successful "emergent" planning strategies. As a rule of thumb, highly volatile markets and dynamic environments are best planned for with this approach. The role of emergence relative to formal design increases as the environment becomes increasingly volatile and unpredictable.

Henry Mintzberg and colleagues at the McGill University in the 1980s developed the learning model of emergent strategy formation, basing it on the premise that the “complex and unpredictable nature of the organization’s environment, often coupled with the diffusion of knowledge-bases necessary for strategy, precludes deliberate control; strategy-making must above all take the form of a process of learning over time, in which, at the limit, formulation and implementation become indistinguishable.” Mintzberg's "emergent strategy" is a pattern of action that develops over time in an organisation, often despite vision, mission, and goals, or in addition to them. Decisions emerge from complex processes whereby individual managers have the freedom to interpret the intended strategy and to adapt it to changing external circumstances as they are happening, rather than realising after the event, say during the post-project review, usually when it's too late and damage has been done, or market-share has already been lost.

Emergence is the result of multiple decisions at many levels, particularly within middle management, and is a true bottom-up process. As said earlier, the military employs this approach in planning operations as well as in countering terrorism. At Intel, a key historic decision to abandon memory chips and concentrate on microprocessors was the result of a host of decentralized decisions taken at divisional and plant level that were subsequently acknowledged by top management and developed into a strategy.

Two key "soft" traits required at every level, above all others, for emergence planning to work, are opportunism and curiosity, starting with the CEO. Mintzberg advocates strategy-making be an iterative process involving experimentation and feedback and so, as with any trial and error learning, there will be moments where curiosity must prevail over uncertainty. If the boss needs high levels of certainty and exhibits anxiety in the face of the unknown, then he or she will not be sufficiently adaptable for such a volatile environment nor embrace emergent planning. This is also true where decision-making processes have become highly bureaucratic.

The learning organisation's role for the strategist or planner is very different to the role of the strategist in a sclerotically bureaucratic organisation. Self-proclaimed "control freaks" need not apply! In my next blog I will address the conditions required for emergent planning to work.

Do We Work Better for Causes or People?

2010-08-30T20:49:00.025+01:00

Positive psychology (psychologists studying the psychology of success) has become very interested in organisational capacity to tap into what they often refer to as the "added discretionary effort" of the people. Is it the the cause or company that is the driving force, or is it the relationships and the connections, that make an organisation truly successful?

One position is that people join good companies (or causes) but often leave because of poor management or decision-making. All the money, time and effort spent recruiting and training an employee, as well as their unique knowledge, can easily be lost. Another position is that good managers are worth their weight in gold, particularly where the organisation itself is weak on either process or people-management. In the war film, "Black Hawk Down", director Ridley Scott offers his view through the words of lead US marine, Hoot:

"When I go home people'll ask me, "Hey Hoot, why do you do it man? What, you some kinda war junkie?" You know what I'll say? I won't say a goddamn word. Why? They won't understand. They won't understand why we do it. They won't understand that it's about the men next to you, and that's it. That's all it is."

Rather cliched some might say, but also a true reflection of what keeps people pulling together. On the downside, even where it is a dubious or lost cause, as history has witnessed many times, people can continue to pull together.

The organisation having the ability to intervene where there is blind loyalty, to encourage intelligent critique, innovation or better practice, as much as the capacity to create cohesive team spirit, requires certain learning processes as well as accompanying "soft" skills. Unsurprisingly, many of these processes were developed for the military, through activities such as "Wash-Ups" between task forces following certain operations, in order to identify what went well and what could be learned from. These, along with many others are now utilised to leverage not only continued loyalty, or added discretionary effort even, but importantly improved practice and innovation. Whether it's the people or the cause that is more influential is still very much open for debate and so I'll leave it up to you the reader to decide which matters most to you. Ultimately, they both count in encouraging added discretionary effort.

Staff Incentives Don't Need To Cost Much

2010-08-23T16:14:00.025+01:00

My last blog talked about the importance of encouraging positive feelings in the workplace; acknowledging that how people feel at work will impact upon their productivity levels as well as innovation capability more than the material benefits being promised. I read an article reiterating this in Saturday's Financial Times, Aug.21st 2010 (Everyone Welcomes A Slice of the Pie, Jonathan Moules; Keep Spirits Up - Ask the Experts, London Business School, p.26): "It is too easy to think that you can motivate people with money. The majority of people would take an honest day's pay for an honest day's work rather than be bribed - particularly if it was for a low-paid job" - Rupert Merson, Professor, London Business School (extracted from FT article).

Without further ado, in addressing some requests that I received after my last blog about what I considered good alternatives to financial incentives, here are a few pointers:

- Take money off the table by paying fairly. Hang on a minute, in your last blog you were saying that money is not a good motivator, I can hear some of you wondering. Although not great at motivating, money is a very good demotivator and so a certain amount is necessary in order for goodwill to be available. Cooperation and esprit de corps will more readily follow where money is no longer the issue driving malcontent. Most people want a fair day's pay for an honest day's work.

- Avoid company-wide bonus schemes. These usually disincentivise more than motivate and can be time-consuming and complicated to administer.

- Involve everyone in business performance improvement, in a way that stimulates camaraderie and reduces internal competition. For some companies, this may involve engaging in generating improvement ideas over informal, friendly lunches together. For others in more service-oriented, technical or creative fields, it can also entail discussion forums, quality circles, communities of practice or localised improvement initiatives, in smaller focus groups. Most importantly, not everyone performs well in a large team-building or Quality Circle / Kaizen / Six Sigma or Lean forum. Staff members juggling home life with work life will not necessarily appreciate a drinks-after-work session or weekend retreats. Getting to know your staff and taking into account their different needs, strengths and weaknesses, will bring out the best in them, avoiding inadvertently discriminating against, or even alienating some.

- Have an open-door policy and a good quality working environment. Allow your staff a decent measure of autonomy and control over decision-making affecting them and provide opportunities for developing new skills. Importantly, everyone enjoys a degree of challenge, along with high appreciation and trust. How readily and confidently you can answer these four questions will indicate whether there are opportunities to improve here: 1. How well do staff on the "shop floor" feel heard?; 2. do they trust that in raising performance, productivity or quality issues that these will be swiftly addressed?; 3. do they believe that they will have a measure of control and involvement in finding the right solutions or adaptations? 4. do they believe that their inputs and opinions are welcomed and taken seriously?

- Detect early chronic stress in middle management. Bad moods, high stress, and fatigued managers are a cancer in the workplace. I say middle management as this is the area of most businesses prone to chronic stress and yet they are key to linking the vision of your business with the execution. It is one of the more challenging positions to hold in an organisation, coping with the expectations from above but also with the multitude of changes and needs from below. There are of course other areas where stress is more likely, including ongoing change initiatives, mergers, restructuring and downsizing. A smiling face, a service philosophy and a proactive approach to problem-solving from middle management goes a long way!

- Promote pride and recognition for work being done. Celebrate the good stuff and fix the bad. The good stuff is all around and rather than offering best staff member of the month awards or best improvement idea awards, etc., develop methods which encourage the efforts of the majority as much as the few shining stars.

In effect, as much as what is said or promised is important, how it is said and how people feel about that is equally so. In return, rather than costing you money, these incentives will pay back with dividends, creating a mood that ensures people want to come to work, as well as help you grow your business.

Connecting People with Passion

2010-07-28T11:36:00.041+01:00

When I ask someone “what most inspires you?” the answer rarely comes back as simply money. Money is the thing that must be taken off the table in order for people to be able to think clearly about their life and it is definitely the vehicle for meeting most of our basic needs. Where it is being offered by the truck load it is cited as pretty inspiring (as in the case of banking). Most companies however cannot offer this much and even if they can, it does not guarantee that the right decisions will be made. In fact, at best money has a pretty inconsistent effect on human motivation and at worst it interferes with making good decisions. Social studies have shown that where even rudimentary cognitive skills are required, where more money is offered as the incentive, poorer decisions are reached. Many companies know this already and view profit as a necessity rather than their ultimate goal. The classic business doctrine “Maximise shareholder wealth” is understood, however businesses that are run simply to fulfil this tend to have bad things happen, to the environment, to their company, to the products, or to people. Companies that continue to innovate and prosper, do so based on other guiding principles. A more meaningful and inspiring raison-d’etre. Read on to explore the meaning or purpose of some of these organisations.

Stanford University:

To enhance and disseminate knowledge that improves human kind.

Lost Arrow / Patagonia (outdoor clothing and accessories):

To be a role model and tool for social change.

The John Lewis Partnership (UK Retailer):

The Partnership's ultimate purpose is the happiness of all its members, through their worthwhile and satisfying employment in a successful business.

Skype:

To be disruptive, but in the cause of making the world a better place.

Atlassian (software developer):

Our mission is to build a different kind of software company — one that listens to client needs, values innovation in development and solves customer problems with brilliant simplicity.

Google:

Your future is our purpose.

Waldorf Schools (Rudolph Steiner’s Anthroposophical schooling methods):

Teachers in Waldorf schools are dedicated to generating an inner enthusiasm for learning within every child… This eliminates the need for competitive testing, academic placement, and behavioristic rewards to motivate learning. It allows motivation to arise from within and helps engender the capacity for joyful lifelong learning.

The Dandelion Time Project (UK social care trust):

Dandelion Time is a charity dedicated to helping children with emotional, behavioural and social difficulties, and their families, through engaging families in every day activities and reconnecting them through nature.

An interesting point about these is that they are not very prescriptive. Rather they succeed in creating a positive mood, a sense of self-worth, and movement in a positive direction. I have worked for some organisations intent on nailing down values and behaviours into a menu-style list for everyone to follow. There is a place for these "behavioural contracts" (e.g. where behaviour has derailed into a conflict) however the rest of the time it's pretty much a passion-killer! Who wants to be so tightly controlled? People tend not to be too inspired when being told exactly how to behave; nor do they tend to behave in the way intended. It risks creating an unhealthy parent:child dynamic and interferes with our need for autonomy.

Few people come to work every day with the intention of maximising profits for their organisation; or to create a greater number of widgets than yesterday; or to cram in more tasks into their daily work routine. In fact, the real reasons are varied, and will differ from employee to employee. I say few do, because under certain conditions which have been quite manipulated (I'm thinking about the UK schools' league performance tables here), there are people becoming focused on productivity measures. When intelligent and flexible thinking is manipulated however, as I said before, the cost is that undesirable and often bad things happen. The opposite to behavioural manipulation is putting into practice what truly inspires and motives us towards a common goal.

Mostly, people are guided by their pursuit of meaning, mastery and autonomy, whether at home or at work. Removing obstacles to delivering one's best and inspiring sufficient meaning, respect and challenge, is the golden opportunity of our time.

Are you suffering from Holiday Deficit Disorder?

2010-07-16T12:43:00.026+01:00

The holidays we Europeans are granted are often marvelled at (and sometimes ridiculed) by our North American colleagues. Currently however, the average vacation in America is being quoted at a mere three to four days - a long weekend. And this year, according to a recent survey, one in seven Americans will take no holiday break at all. In strong defence of the benefits of taking a break, read on to discover what happens when we do not switch off and how you can begin to redress the balance, if you think you are suffering from holiday deficit disorder:

- Working more than 48 hours a week doubles the load of stress our bodies are under. It puts one on course for heart disease due to a poorer quality lifestyle and also to our bodies increasing cholesterol production.

- A culture where working overtime is the norm is counterproductive as work is conducted by fatigued brains. This fatigue then seeps into regular working hours. Many studies show managers to be running on too little sleep.

- Companies who have a competitive "last to leave the office" culture generally suffer from poorer creativity, poorer tolerance of new ideas and are more prone to conflict. When we are stressed for too long our intelligent thinking capability goes out the window. As the brain's frontal lobes shut down (the intelligent thinking part) our "prehistoric brain" (the amygdyla) kicks into action, severely inhibiting intelligent thought in favour of survival.

- People who bring the "productivity" mentality on holiday go back to work exhausted (e.g. measuring number of sights seen, trying to cram in too many things into a short three day break, etc.).

So what can you do? Here are a few suggestions:

- Do things relating to your passions and build a holiday around the things you like to do with your friends or family.

- Practice the fine art of aimless wandering when on holiday. Practice letting go, exploring and discovering, with no other purpose than that of wandering!

- Linger with friends or family over at least one meal time per day.

- Put on your play hat. Connect with play, with your kids, your pets and loved ones.

- Enjoy the medecine of laughter. When was the last time you & loved ones laughed together? Relationships are much more resilient and mistakes more readily forgiven where laughter is present.

- Learn to live well in the moment as well as for the future. Life will pass by quick enough. Will you discover later on that most of yours was spent trying to fulfill the ambitions of your organisation at the expense of yours & those of people close to you? If this is not possible in your current job, consider what you need to do to find work with a better employer, one who actively promotes work-life balance.

- Recognise the impact of your own ambitions. Are you being guided by achievements which in hindsight no longer matter; or simply feel the need for high-adrenalin? If so, try to explore what it is you are really seeking? People who describe themselves as "Type A" (high-achievers); or "Type T" (high risk-takers or "adrenalin junkies" even) are prone to compromising important relationships and longer-term quality of life in order to experience the short-lived highs of achievements or thrill-seeking. Learning what you need to address in order to adapt to longer-term rewarding alternatives will bring healthy balance to your life and more harmony to your relationships.

Great Ideas That Almost Didn't Make It!

2010-07-07T16:33:00.006+01:00

Good ideas usually come from outside sources rather than from inside the company or culture. This is largely due to our conditioned ways of thinking, which encourages us to think in terms of the common good, but unfortunately frequently makes us blind to new opportunities. The most creative companies rely upon ideas being generated outside of their walls as well as from within them. Here are some of the most famous ideas that nearly didn't make it (extracted from a great book - "Beyond Entrepreneurship, Turning Your Business Into An Enduring Great Company" by J Collins & W Lazier):

"the devise is inherently of no value to us" - Western Union internal memo in response to Bell's telephone, 1876

"in order to earn better than a "C" the idea must be feasible": a Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's proposal for reliable overnight deliveries. He went on to found the Federal Express Corporation.

"So we went to Atari and said, "Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you." And they said, "No". So then we went to Hewlett-Packard and they said "Hey we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.": Steve Jobs speaking about attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Wozniak's PC. Jobs & Wozniak founded the Apple Computer Co.

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?": HM Warner, Warner Bros, 1927.

"We don't like their sound and guitar music is on the way out.": Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy.": any number of experienced drillers who Edwin L Drake tried to enlist in his project to drill for oil in 1859. He later became the first man to strike oil.

"That is good sport. But for the military, the airplane is useless.": Ferdinand Foch, Commander in Chief, allied forces on the western front, World War I.

"The television will never achieve popularity; it takes place in a semi-darkened room and demands continuous attention.": Harvard Professor Chester L Dawes, 1940.

NB: Apple didn't create the basic idea behind the Mackintosh; those ideas had been around for years, developed by defense, and later at Xerox. A group of Apple executives attended a demo of mouse and icon technology at Xerox (which became an investor in Apple) and carried the basic ideas over to Apple.

The NIH syndrome (Not-Invented-Here) can be countered by various practices introduced by thought leaders, the media and if in companies, by structured processes. If you hear of someone saying, "that will never work", or "we don't do things that way here" then you can be sure that somewhere else, someone will be saying "how can that work?" or even "I love it, let's try it". If you're the one with the ideas, the music, the project or the curiosity then just continue on your path until you have found the receptive thinkers or audience for you. Good luck!

How To Spot A Dysfunctional Relationship

2010-06-21T10:51:00.030+01:00

There have been instances in the lives of my clients, as well as my own, when questions along the lines of "why is this person a friend?" or "why on earth are they behaving like this with me?" have arisen, both personally and professionally. With this in mind here are my top 3 tips for how to spot the tactics that make a relationship dysfunctional, either at work or at home (and one which you are going to have to deal with!):

1. Projecting: whenever someone starts labelling you critically with words such as "oh you're so judgemental" (can you spot the irony already?); "you are just so negative"; "you're not loving enough"; "you're not good enough"; "you're just not doing well enough"; or even assumptions about the thoughts being held "you think I'm stupid" etc. then you can safely assume that there is some projection going on (unless you have actually told them that you think they are stupid of course!) . Projection is the word that psychologists use to describe how an individual may subconsciously transfer an undesirable trait, emotion, thought or belief that they themselves have onto others, rather than consciously acknowledge it in themselves. So, if your boss, colleague or partner seems to be perfectly good at throwing out barbed observations or global criticisms about you, without being constructive or sufficiently specific, then it is highly likely that they are projecting.

Tip: any name-calling, mind-reading or labelling is likely projection.

2. Dependency: where the relationship is not functioning well (i.e. both parties or either one are deeply unhappy with it) however they cannot leave nor fix it. It is not the person that they are "wedded" to, rather the notion of being with someone e.g. thoughts such as "I am no-one if I am not in a relationship"; "there is just a gulf in my life if I am single / alone"; "I am my work"; victim - victim relationships (think of adults who each seek validation from the other, who do not help each other problem-solve but rather bolster each other up by thinking in terms of "it's us against them"); persecuter - victim relationships; or overly nurturing - victim ones; and so on.

Tip: there is risk attached to attempting to fix the relationship and so for the dependent person it is likely that the risk would be too great. Where problems cannot be faced, the relationship becomes dysfunctional, with problems typically continuing to repeat in a unsatisfying pattern.

3. Co-Dependency: this is the term used for relationships where both parties gain something positive from their negative interactions. This sort of relationship is common where someone has learned it within their earlier family life, e.g. being a child of alcoholic, gambling or drug-dependent parents. To use the example of the child of an alcoholic parent, without counselling they may grow up habitualised to being the carer and taking far too much responsibility for the behaviour of the alcohol user. This can predispose them to similar relationships as adults, simply tolerating and taking far too much responsibility for the behaviour of others. It is not just used to refer to addict - rescuer relationships however and can be assumed where there is persecuter - victim dynamic (think the intelligent adult who stays in an abusive relationship); and so on.

Tip: if you are assuming that the explosions of anger or dissatisfactions of someone close to you is your fault, then you might be operating within a co-dependent relationship. When co-dependent individuals become acquainted, they often describe feeling complete when together and so are too constrained from ever confronting or resolving the aspects which are not acceptable.

If you are finding that one of these applies to any of your relationships then the first place to look is yourself, the beliefs that you hold about yourself when with others, any unmet emotional needs which you are looking towards others close to you to meet, or even considering how to problem-solve differently when things get tough. This sounds like a lot of work but it can become pretty clear pretty quickly where the beliefs have come from! What is not always so straightforward is how to deal with them in a different way hereon. The most validated approach to-date is cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) or CBT-based relationship coaching, particularly where coupled with mindfulness training, problem-solving, assertiveness and conflict resolution. This will help build and support more adult, flexible and autonomous thinking as well as being able to better handle others when entering into relationships or dealing with problematic people, at work or in life.

Man Made Disasters

2010-06-01T17:12:00.022+01:00

I have been following the latest environmental disaster in the Gulf of Mexico with growing horror, praying like everybody else that BP's interventions will soon stop the crude oil spilling into the sea. I have an added interest in the situation, given I know a fair amount about how oil companies operate and manage their business. For a few years I attempted to coach drill crew and production facilities on developing a more contemporary and inclusive management style as well as creating a better safety & environmentally aware approach. One of my last projects with the oil industry was in fact with BP.

Without being specific about any single oil company (I have worked with most of them) I find myself getting quite concerned by the general attitude towards this (BP = a particularly bad company); and the US Government ("we will keep a boot on the neck of BP until they sort it out"). What worries me most is that this could have happened with any of the oil co.s and in fact it was simply a matter of time before this happened somewhere in the world.

That this happened specifically because it was a BP operation, is the first thing to look at. To point the finger at just BP for negligence is to miss the real prevention opportunity. If I were writing a letter to the US President, Obama, then this is the first point I'd be at pains to make. Not to protect BP, or anyone for that matter, but to avoid treating this incident in a dangerously overly simplistic way.

The second point I'd make to the US Government is take a leaf out of Norway's book, with much tighter controls on how reliability tests are carried out on the Blow Out Preventor (BOP) and related systems - the pieces of kit that failed in the US. It is likely that a drilling contractor's safety gear testing procedure are hugely different in Norway than they are in the US. Norwegian drilling costs are often cited as being higher due to the added procedures required in this country's waters. The minimum acceptance standards for maintaining the BOP equipment and related systems are different on a country-by-country basis depending on what each Government requires.

My biggest concern is that any company is as vulnerable to the systemic breakdown that has likely caused this catastrophe and no amount of individual commitment to the environment or safety will protect us from more. It is the regulatory as well as the industry-wide current approach to managing business (production target-setting, contractor performance target-setting, individual target-setting, cost-reduction initiatives, lowest-price tendering) that builds up to the series of events that likely set this off. In the words of quality guru, W.Edwards Deming, "people will meet their targets, even if they have to destroy the enterprise to do it".

In the early nineties, the oil industry introduced the cost-reduction initiative under the acronym CRINE (Cost Reduction In the New Era) which created much of the outsourcing of this sort of critical well-safety activity, as well as other much tighter controls on operating costs.

There's no better time than now for each one of us to take responsibility for this (as consumers and for some as shareholders) and decide why we continue to create these broken-up, decision-making silos which inevitably do break down. The traditional model of outsourcing, cost reduction and target-setting has a lot to answer for and governments for their part are keen to help the industry keep their operating costs as low as possible in order to encourage further exploration and development. Do we all trust too much in a self-regulatory approach? The wider society of consumer and citizen must somehow figure out how to be more active in determining the role of business when it creates such environmental catastrophe.

Sharing the Leadership

2010-05-18T18:54:00.023+01:00

Now that our UK elections are over, we have a coalition government, an uneasy alliance between two quite different ideologies. My interest in this is in predicting what will be the outcome, particularly given the sharing of leadership across very different parties.

I read in The Guardian the other day about the imminent house share of the grace-and-favour residence of Chevening (a 115-roomed house) between the Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg (Lib-Dem), and the Foreign Secretary, William Hague (Conservative). It illustrates quite neatly the challenges ahead - these two being the most unlikely of house mates. Clegg for example is a former MEP and ardently pro-European, whilst Hague, it would be fair to say, is eurosceptic, wanting to renegotiate on the UK's integration with EU human rights, social affairs, criminal justice and employment legislation.

The situation is made even more unstable given there are 18 Conservatives and 5 Liberals in the Cabinet. As one Cabinet Minister put it, "as we looked around the table, it was hard to imagine that only a week earlier we were tearing strips off each other on the campaign trail". In a most recent YouGov poll for the Sunday Times, 45% of respondents think the two parties will soon be fighting among themselves. As a mediator I should point out that conflict is not a bad thing, in fact it is necessary and healthy, but only when handled well.

It is not just the ideologies which will make this coalition pitted with problems but the personalities of the two leaders. As with most leaders, Clegg and Cameron are fiercely competitive, ambitious and single-minded in following their objectives through. Will this energy be put to mutual benefit or to tear one another apart however?

These challenges are in no way unique to politics. Much research has been undertaken on the subject of corporate mergers and acquisitions and a fairly dispiriting statistic is quoted of around 80% of large cap European M&As failing to deliver on their predicted value, and 50% of European small cap, within 18 months, due to differences in corporate "culture". The fact that the majority of M&As fail to meet the financial and synergistic expectations of shareholders or employees is put down to post-merger "cultural clashes". This is the least tangible or measurable element of any partnership (the ideologies, the codes of conduct and the history) yet it is the glue that either binds people together or where at odds, they come unstuck. This is true in politics, as it is in business, as it is in personal relationships. Within the corporate world, there has been some research undertaken about the style of leadership needed post-merger, one addressing the key processes of creation, change, and integration. Just how this will work within such disparate political groups remains to be seen however. As a musing observer, seeing the most unlikely of pairings between such opposing ideologies, at this stage unfortunately I do not rate their chances of success too highly. At best, this is going to be a severe culture shock for both parties, at worst it is going to be trench warfare.

Reaching A Crossroads

2010-04-14T09:08:00.009+01:00

At some time or another in your life you will probably have to make difficult choices, sacrifices or changes, if not already having done so. The difficult part is that it can often seem as though there is no right answer. Settle down and raise a family or travel the world and keep your freedom? Stay with the secure job that you're in right now or branch out as an independent freelancer / entrepreneur? Keep working on the relationship when things are difficult or move on and find someone new? And so on. Just what can one do to find out which path to follow?

Here's an exercise to try in order to help yourself come to conclusions.

Take out a picture of yourself as a child. Place it in front of you. Now as you study that picture ask yourself what this child wanted for you. What were the dreams and aspirations that were forming then? Now take out a more recent picture of yourself and compare them - how many changes that have happened to the more recent person would the child in front of you endorse? Are there any that have happened that the child would be unhappy about? Now place a card alongside these pictures and write down at the top the age that you will be when you retire, or in the next ten years even. Write down below a list of things that you hope to have done with your life by then, the sort of people you hope to have shared it with (friends, lovers, colleagues); include financial, familial, emotional, physical, material and spiritual elements. Hint: this exercise takes time and you might need to go away and make a cup of coffee and come back to it to think some more. Do it at a time when you are feeling relaxed and not going to be disturbed.

One client's conclusions looked like this:

8 year old me:

Be free
Be loved
Be creative
Be happy
Be fit

Me Now:

Wealthy
More cynical
More guarded
Direction has been more influenced by others
More worried
Less loved and more respected

60 year old me:

Be free
Be loved
Be creatively fulfilled
Be happy
Be fit
Have a close and happy family life

The interesting part of this exercise is that for this client, the 8 year old had the same desires as the 60 year old; and so something else had happened in the middle bit. To be fair, that middle bit could be called life! However, this exercise helped this client highlight that in order to create closer relationships, he would need to take his guard down. In order to worry less and be more creatively fulfilled, he would need to prioritise some of the less well-paid activities. If he wanted to be an active and fit 60 year old he would need to make some changes to his diet and exercise habits, starting now! He decided that as he progressed with making some changes, he would regularly revisit his 8 year old and his 60 year old.

Changes take time and if you find that you are quite far from where you'd like to be, remind yourself that you can still take little steps today to get you started and as you go the momentum of change will pull you along. Good luck and bon voyage!

Self Sabotaging Teams

2010-03-27T20:19:00.014Z

I was recently asked to help a coach with an amateur football team, playing at a fairly high level. The team had until recently played so well that they would likely soon be promoted to a higher league. The dilemma as he described it was that now that the team were close to being promoted to the next league, their game was rapidly going downhill. Upon further exploration, the coach reflected that where they conceded a goal, they seemed to lose focus even more and their team tactics went out the window. The coach had begun wondering, had all their wins up till then been a total fluke, were his team self-sabotaging, or what?

Actually, none of the above, as it turns out. What the coach described is incredibly common where the ultimate target has become close enough that they can actually believe in it. In a nutshell, the team were beginning to become distracted by the trophy, not yet in their grasp but now a distinct reality. In sport, being in "the zone" is essential for good play. In other words, thinking only about what's just about to happen, not what has already been, nor what could happen in the future, such as picking up the trophy. Being so close to the trophy that they can almost see themselves holding it is one of the worst performance interfering images as well as one of the best. When on the pitch, the last thing you want as a coach, are your players visualising holding the trophy, getting promoted, when they really need to be preparing for the next tackle, or scoring goals during penalty time.

The second major block to their performance was a magnified fear of messing up. Up until that point, their play had come naturally, the players in a state of what psychologists call "flow". With all the distracting thinking about "what if I miss this shot" or "how could I have just missed that shot" the team began to tense up, over-analyse what they needed to do, get more frustrated with each other, and so make silly mistakes.

These two distractions are possibly the most common reasons why so many professional players make seemingly stupid mistakes when so close to winning the trophy. Missing penalty shots in football and faulty serves in tennis in the last few minutes of the game have been well-publicised.

Is this only relevant in sport? Consider the top saleswoman presenting poorly during the final pitch, or the messed up interview for the job that you're more than qualified to do. This could all be put down to this sort of performance intereference. I have also witnessed teams in the workplace getting ready to receive a performance-related bonus and refusing to alter the course of the project, even though it would have been in the organisation's best interests, simply because the bonus was too close to give up. Or getting increasingly irritated with each, less tolerant of error or disruption. As Pulitzer-winning author Daniel Yegrin wrote in The Prize(1991) "Creativity, dedication, entrepreneurship, talent and technological innovation have always gone hand in hand with greed, corruption, blind political ambition and brute force."

Sometimes just being aware of the impact of this sort of distraction can be enough to overcome it, or it might require further coaching for finding alternative ways of thinking that keep one in flow and adapting to the requirements of here-and-now. For the saleswoman in the final stages of making her pitch, it might require her switching off from thinking at all about the delivery of the project, rather focusing only on what the main concerns or questions of the immediate audience might be, in essence connecting with the people who must first make the decision.

For my coach's team, he gave a talk to the team about switching off from everything but the next shot, something they all readily identified with. He then coached individuals that he noticed needed extra practice or prone to ruminating after making a bad shot. Happily, they recently won 6-1 and so will be promoted into a higher league next season.

The psychology of winning, strangely, or perhaps not so strangely, is to forget about winning and just play every minute as you have trained to.

"I've missed over 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot . . . and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed" – Michael Jordan.

The Payback of Self-Awareness

2010-03-03T14:58:00.043Z

Having better relationships.
Playing better sport.
Losing more weight.
Feeling happier.
Being a more effective leader.
Staying ahead of the competition.

This wish list is united by one single attribute, that of self-awareness. The word "awareness" can often start ringing alarm bells for the more results-oriented individual as it has been associated with some of the more esoteric, less tangible of the performance improvement activities. However, we know that athletes who have heightened self-awareness perform better, as does the leader who is negotiating change or leading the way for new innovation, as does the parent who wants to better understand his teenager. Simply put, it begins with you!

High performance requires one to be both relaxed as well as highly focused. The mind must be quiet in order for concentration to be possible and concentration is the most important element for self-awareness. With too much "mindless" chatter, the important thoughts and things that you can do will be lost. There is also a kind of rest that your mind requires in wakefulness for living well that you cannot achieve or compensate for during sleep. Imagine a sea which when calm clearly relfects the image of everything around such as the boats, the birds and the cliffs whereas when stormy it seems dark, and objects become lost and difficult to pick out. A mind that is agitated or distressed cannot clearly tap in to nor reflect reality.

Quieting the mind is a fundamental skill required for improving self-awareness. I use a training system which I call "the brain game", which can only be played where the mind is highly focused and highly relaxed. This game provides direct and immediate feedback relating to the brain's activity, using a technique known as "biofeedback" or "neurofeedback". This is a speedy way for someone to learn how to switch off the chatter or interruptions of the mind in order to become more focused and so more effective. Other methods I use for increasing focus are through learning how to apply visualisation and imagery, self-hypnosis and relaxation, tapping in to one's automatic "self-talk" and of course "mindfulness" training. The concept of mindfulness originates from Zen Buddhism but now is practiced by mental health practitioners, including the UK's NHS Clinical Psychologists, for clients who have not responded to more conventional psychotherapy interventions. Over the past 3 decades these methods have been tapped into more and more in the world of sport, the Performing Arts and much more recently, in the world of business. Books have been published aplenty, including most notably George Leonard's The Ultimate Athlete (2001;1975), Michael Murphy's Golf in the Kingdom (1974), Golf is not a Game of Perfect by Dr Bob Rotella (1995), Mastering Your Inner Game by David Kauss (2001) and Jon Kabat-Zinn's Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation and Full Catastrophe Living.

These along with other practices taken from cognitive psychology have been applied to great effect for some time in the world of sport as well as in business at the highest levels. This does not mean it is not just as effective for the average player nor for the team-member who has just been promoted to the position of supervisor or department head. It is interesting to realise that the earlier that these skills are learned, the better chance we have of progressing smoothly on a calm rather than a more choppy sea, with less damage done along the way! The benefits are beyond quantification as they improve all areas of life including your health, not just simply at work, or in sport. Multinationals such as Google, Microsoft, and in fact most of the leading knowledge-based enterprises are certainly seeking out these methods which provide their people with that essential competitive edge, in the same way that the highest performing athletes have done now for so much longer. The "Eureka" effect of discovering the answer once the mind is at rest has been well-documented, however the implications of improved self-awareness are much broader and more fundamental than simply problem-solving or coming up with the next innovation.

So here are some of the most pervasive and key mind skills to consider in seeking to improve one's self-awareness:

1. What puts you "off course" on your calm sea - i.e. what are your triggers for anger and loss of concentration? What are your negative triggers? When we get angry or upset we become stupid. Critical thinking shuts down as the emotional or "reptilian brain" (the amygdyla) takes over. Health-wise it is well-documented that stress and negative emotions such as anger cause impaired decision-making as well as increasing cholesterol, raising blood-pressure and lowering one's immunity.

2. What are the "thinking errors" or in psychology-speak "cognitive distortions" that get in the way of your effectiveness? Quickly, the most common ones I encounter are over-generalising (always & never thinking; black & white thinking), magnifying problems, minimising the positives, emotional reasoning (because I feel angry you are making me angry; upset; depressed; etc.), catastrophic thinking (I will never recover from this; my career is over; etc.), mindreading (people are thinking I am boring, stupid, etc.), to name a few.

3. How aware are you of your "inner critic" at the expense of your "inner coach"? As the ancient Chinese proverb goes - the dog that barks the loudest is the one that gets fed. Inner critical thinking (your negative "self-talk") gets in the way of thinking in a way that allows one to be highly focused on the goal in question, to focus on what's coming, what's being said (including what you don't want to hear and what's not being said), as well as what needs to be done. Instead it activates fear, insecurities and hangovers from the past, ensuring we become stuck in the past. Concentrate on recognising how vocal your inner critic is (sometimes called the "critical parent" as it is claimed by some to have been learned from such a parent) and develop ways to encourage the presence and voice of your "inner coach". Self-hypnosis, relaxation and biofeedback techniques are all useful.

An example of the Inner Critic: "Why did I do / say that? That was so stupid"

An example of the Inner Coach: "Focus on what I need to do right now in order to help things go where I need them to; switch off from the mistakes of the past and don't project too far forwards"

4. Recognising how you feel. Feelings can often be an uncomfortable subject, particularly for someone who associates feelings with weakness. However it is clearly understood that when a player feels tense, she sustains more injuries, she makes more mistakes and in fact plays a lesser game. Knowing how it feels to be highly relaxed and yet highly focused creates a much better player; as well as creating better relationships and allowing better life decisions to be made. Learn to know how this feels for you as well as how it feels to be upset, tense, distracted, angry, etc. Where do these feelings manifest themselves in your body, what muscles tense for example, what happens to your body temperature, what are the early warning signals and most importantly what helps you ease them before they begin to interfere with what you are trying to achieve?

5. Recognise Performance Interference Thinking versus Performance Enhancing Thinking and consider that a relationship exists between what you are thinking and how your body and your emotions react. This is at the heart of self-awareness

Each and every one of us has a potential that is truly huge when we face everything internal that unwittingly slows us down and gets in our way. It's there in you but hidden under layers of life and thoughts that get in your way. When asked what I call this approach, I could describe it as many things - Performance Coaching, Sports Coaching, Leadership Coaching, Emotional Intelligence Coaching, Mindfulness training, Health Coaching, Hypnotherapy, Biofeedback and Neurofeedback. In essence it is a truly multimodal approach, when applied well it can overcome and manage harmful physiological, cognitive, behavioural and emotional responses. In developing self-awareness, I have witnessed many clients fast-track to a better place emotionally as well as physically which then delivers a more rewarding life. For the results-oriented among you, the most successful organisations are already doing it. I encourage everyone to try this, not just the high achieving sportsman or leader.

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself" - Leo Tolstoy.

http://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Athlete-George-Leonard/dp/1556433492

Limits to Growth

2010-02-06T12:32:00.029Z

Early on in the Man Booker prize-winning novel "The Life of Pi", the setting is a zoo, where at the entrance a sign instructs visitors that by drawing back the curtain, they will see the most dangerous animal on the planet. Of course in drawing back the curtain, visitors see only a reflection of themselves in a mirror.

The idea that we are our own biggest limiting factor has been the self-improvement mantra for almost 30 years and yet it is the hardest one for most people to do anything about. It is easier to change our jobs, change our home, change country, change partner even but still, no matter where you go, there you are, and likely with the same self-limiting factors. So, just what are the parts of ourselves that we can change and what are the parts that we cannot; and even more importantly, how can we tell the difference?

In biology, the "Sigmoidal Curve" (or S-Curve) is used to explain the potential growth of something organic, a tree, for example. The curve starts low, rising rapidly depicting a growth spurt at the start of the tree's life, followed by a levelling off as growth plateaus in its middle years, and finally a drop as the tree begins to decline and decay. Every tree of a particular species, in theory, has the same potential, however the sigmoidal curve is used to highlight the impact that various factors will have on the tree's growth: the amount of available sunlight, the tree's proximity to other trees, the quality of the soil perhaps, the availability of moisture, and so on. A biologist can use all these factors to adjust the individual tree's sigmoidal curve to something more attainable for this particular tree.

Although we human beings are much more complicated than trees (according to most!) the analogy is one that I can identify with, as someone who facilitates improvements for people, to illustrate what is truly possible for someone seeking change through psychotherapy, coaching or hypnotherapy. Identifying what the limits to someone's growth, potential or achievement are, can often help a client identify what they are prepared to change and what they cannot, or indeed do not wish to change. If it relates to their family or loved ones then it might be that they accept this and carry on as before. If it is something fundamental to their personality, such as core values, ethics or temperament, then these are likely less changeable also.

A key area that I explore with clients wishing to achieve new goals or experience happier relationships is the concept of holding "core beliefs" about themselves which relate to their abilities, their behaviour and how they fit in with the world around them. Here's an example of some cognitions (thoughts) of one of my clients wishing to relate better to others, which we then used to uncover his most self-limiting core belief. His cognition was along the lines of "If I do not do mostly all the talking then I will be considered stupid", with his core belief being "I am stupid" (a high-achieving business man by the way). Holding a core belief such as this one is unfortunately far more likely to confirm the negative belief of "I am stupid" than negate it however. If you are doing all the talking, then you are most probably doing far less listening (and so learning, empathising, relating, etc.). Negative core beliefs, firmly held for a long time, often unconsciously, are usually the biggest limiting factor contributing to adults not reaching their desired potential. This is a key area that I work to identify with my clients wishing to attain new levels of performance, whether in relationships, sport, at work, in the performing arts, etc.

Sally (name changed), a court-appearing trainee solicitor, came to see me as she was having difficulty with public speaking. Each time she prepared to stand up in court, she prepared, rehearsed, but mostly worried, knowing how important it was to her career and each time dreading the experience even more. The first time Sally stood up to speak, her mouth literally dried up, she felt the presence of a hundred eyes upon her ("drilling holes into her") and was unable to coherently and calmly present her case. Sally, knowing that she was not performing as well as she needed to in this area of her job, sought me out with a view to overcoming her "public speaking phobia" as she described it. This is a good example of someone holding the necessary skills and possessing the attributes needed for being a good court lawyer, however with a negative core belief about herself which was severely hampering her abilities. The negative belief which we uncovered came from thoughts along the lines of "unless I do the presentation perfectly then I am a failure", "people will think that I am useless", etc. and so the unconscious core belief that she recognised was "I am a failure". The pros of holding this negative core belief of being a failure meant that Sally was pretty driven to achieve, however it had now become a limiting factor in Sally's "Sigmoidal Curve". Ironically, negative core beliefs usually become largely self-fulfilling i.e. in attempting to mask or deny the core belief, we bring about exactly what we wish to avoid.

Sally and I worked together over a couple of sessions, both on the behavioural aspects of how Sally could modify her anxiety and also on the cognitive bit (the thoughts that whirled around in Sally's head as she stood up to present her case). In summary, from a behavioural perspective, we worked on Sally reducing the perception of "eyes drilling into her" into something more realistic and less hypervigilant i.e. Sally was tasked with noticing how she watched every other solicitor in court - was she really paying attention to their every word, noticing any change in skin tone & being as hypervigilant as she was being with herself? Her answer, unsurprisingly, was no. Also, in identifying the link between her thoughts of being a total failure, the feelings of fear and anxiety and the physiological response of having a dry mouth, needing to visit the bathroom, losing her ability to think clearly and rationally on her feat, and heart pounding due to adrenalin being released, allowed us to work on modifying her catastrophic thinking into something more realistic and flexible which in turn vastly reduced her adrenalin surges. I introduced the concept of feeling the fear and doing it anyway and new, more helpful cognitions, such as: "I can make some mistakes and still be ok"; "people aren't as interested in me as I think they are"; "the more I do this, the easier it will become, if I accept doing ok rather than doing perfectly". Using hypnosis, I was able to link these thoughts with feeling more relaxed and thus reduced the levels of adrenalin likely to be released. When we are more relaxed, we are more focused and able to draw upon the full extent of our training and knowledge. In this way, something which had the potential to severely limit Sally's career prospects in this field, was overcome. This is a fairly typical approach for anyone experiencing debilitating performance anxiety.

If you think you are not reaching your potential, or notice that you always ruminate afterwards about how you could have performed better if only you hadn't done "x" or if you'd said "y", then it can be useful to explore what your personal limiting factors are, and whether you are willing to do anything about them. Acceptance of the status quo or change are then both realistic options!

6 Important Keys to Success

2010-01-21T19:37:00.025Z

Living a successful life is likely the most commonly shared goal of most people in the Western world. What exactly is meant by "successful" though? I offer a quick definition that it is a life with balance between meeting one's basic human needs (food, shelter, warmth, etc.) and those higher order needs (love, status, respect, acquisition of knowledge, etc.). Someone able to put food on the table as well as have the ability to continue to learn and be fulfilled emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. If I were to suggest anything else, it would be to say that true success comes from making the lives of those around us better as well as our own. So, with this in mind, here are my top six keys to being successful:

1. Find a way that you are happy with to meet your basic needs.

2. Learn about what you need to prioritise in order to ensure your emotional, spiritual and intellectual well-being. Here are some questions to consider when establishing priorities:

- What makes you happy / miserable? angry / excited? safe / insecure? and how do you act accordingly (in ways that move you towards or away from a life that fulfills you)?

- What gives greater meaning to your life?

- Who else do you affect when you make decisions or act and how do you consider them?

- What new learning or practice would make a significant positive difference to your life?

3. Notice what interferes with your motivation levels. When are you most motivated? As a rule of thumb, notice people who inspire you (informal mentors) and those who "steal" your energy. What does your environment need to contain (light, nature, smells, colours, sounds, etc.)? What times of day, week or year are you most motivated? If you cannot answer these right now, keep a motivation diary for a few weeks and you should notice patterns emerging.

4. Notice what eats your time. Time spent daily determines what your life will become. If you are spending most of your time on twitter, facebook or surfing the web for example, then visualise your life continuing in this vein for the foreseeable future. This might just be enough to encourage you to reduce time spent on these devourers of precious time. Remember that time for relaxation recharges batteries so don't deny yourself these activities completely!

5. Resilience: how do you respond to criticism, rejection and set-backs? Successful people are those who do not give up; who like to keep going even if others are not validating this. Reading a quote recently from someone highly motivated (I can't remember exactly who) made me smile - "never give up, keep on doing what you're passionate about, and never, ever go away - not even when they want you to".

6. Ethics or values: it is important to know what matters most to you and to live in line with those that you personally consider most important. Feeling uncomfortable doing or considering doing something that someone else has asked you to do, or with the behaviour of someone else? It is likely that your core values or ethics are being stretched, are in conflict or are being broken. Core values or ethics include fundamentally important ideologies or principles such as honesty, respect, religion, status, loyalty, fidelity, monogamy, marriage, abortion, family, speaking one's mind, being considerate of others feelings, breaking conventions, entrepreneurship, being part of the community; your personal rights and wrongs of living. If you find yourself feeling stuck or in limbo, it can be worthwhile exploring whether there are values in conflict e.g. if one value is considering the feelings of others but another is to speak one's mind then doing one potentially contravenes the other; or spending time with one's family versus spending time on one's career; or those that are personally important versus those that are communally (culturally) important. Write down those that are most important to you, that you consider the important rules for living a fulfilling life and prioritise these.

Together these keys to success offer a personal path to follow in order to achieve fulfillment and success. They are most likely personal to you and much more to you than others, even those close to you. The better you know them the better chance you have of meeting and fulfilling your own dreams.

Being Happy and Successful in the Face of Change

2010-01-12T11:41:00.019Z

Why can it be so hard for people to change? The neurologists notice that as we age, so the pathways in our brains become more entrenched and physically it is harder for us to create new ones (the "neural networks"). Children learn new languages and tasks much more readily than adults for this very reason. The psychologists notice that as changes happen, so some people become more distressed than others. In fact, some people actively thrive on the changes even during later life - just not the majority.

In a time when change is all around us and it's picking up speed (or is this just me getting older?) change becomes important in determining happiness (a fundamental right of all I believe). As a therapist and coach, sometimes working to reduce organisational stress, there are certain factors that one considers - both from the perspective of the systems of the company and also the needs and perceptions of the individual. It is not necessarily so that events are universally stressful (change for example) as much as the view that one takes of these events. Change for one person might mean losing one's position, taking a salary cut or being pushed unwillingly to learn new skills - whereas for someone else it might be viewed as an opportunity to get out of a dead-end, to experience new challenges and to have more fun. Whether your your cup is half full or half empty, for example, depends entirely upon the view you take of it.

The authors of a popular book, "Who moved my cheese?" (or "who cheesed my move" as my ex-husband used to say) point out the many unconsidered benefits to change, with the business fable of 2 mice and 2 little people representing the human worker and the cheese representing happiness and success. The book explores four typical reactions to change: feeling victimised and fearful; getting angry and blaming others; being opportunistic / entrepreneurial; and going along with change. A good question, asked as a challenge to one of the fearful little people is "what would you do differently if you weren't so afraid?" (a useful therapeutic question). The main criticism of the book is that during times of organisational upheaval, management have been known to mass-distribute this book in an attempt to get everyone onboard quickly, without acknowledging the reality that the change will not be professionally advantageous to all. As the book rightly points out however, change happens, irrespective of whether we want it to or not, and those who can accept and adapt more quickly are likely to be happier and more successful. Getting stuck in fear, resentment, anger or denial do the opposite. Organisations need to note however that they are responsible for considering their impact on the stress-levels of their employees, with the UK's Health & Safety Executive (a governmental regulatory body) defining change as a key factor in contributing to most employee's stress levels increasing. In other words, if an organisation cannot demonstrate that in all areas they have conducted risk assessments and provided adequate support to those vulnerable (being aware also of who is more vulnerable than others), then they can be held accountable for employees being signed off work due to stress (unsurprisingly, the numbers right now are at an all-time high); potentially being sued for long-term disability support.

Psychologists have noticed something interesting that contributes to individual levels of stress differing so greatly and they call this one's perception of "Locus of Control". I use a brief assessment tool with clients not coping and we explore their own perception of control in a given situation. A low internal locus of control score (i.e. poor perception of one's ability to control the outcome of events) and a client can begin to understand why they are prone to feeling victimised or helpless (and so acting accordingly); and an excessively high one and a client can appreciate why they might be feeling angry or blaming. It can be a good starting point to helping someone get their life back on track after a change has happened, or while it is happening.

Of course change doesn't necessarily mean change at work. The same principles apply during any situation that involves loss and change, at home as well as at work. If you are finding the new year bringing in unwanted changes, then considering your ability to take control, where you can as well as where you cannot, and breaking down the change into smaller parts of good and bad (versus all bad), can help provide you with the necessary will to continue on your journey, feeling happier once more.

Leadership isn't everything

2010-01-05T17:55:00.010Z

US President, Barack Obama, was awarded the 2009 Nobel Peace Price for providing so much hope to those wishing to achieve peace - rather than having actually achieved it. With his position as President of a "world superpower", as well as his background spanning cultural as well as religious divides, he holds a unique position with considerable "soft" as well as "hard" power at his disposal. Is it really possible though that the right leadership can overcome all other problems?

The most realistic answer is that there is no rule. Sometimes, yes it is enough and sometimes, no matter how good a leader you are, unpredictable events can conspire against you. The sort of leadership required can also change according to the situation one is confronted with - and situations can change pretty quickly. Winston Churchill steered Britain through the perilous times during WWII yet failed as the leader to introduce the social policies needed afterwards. Leadership is rarely enough but it is the necessary catalyst. Without it, unhealthy limbo prevails until a leader with the right skills appears to change direction or make the changes necessary. There have been so many theories on the subject - often contradictory - but they all agree on this.

Leadership has become one of the most hotly debated, disputed and contradicted management topics going. However, during times of crisis, leadership can build collaboration or create deeper divides, depending upon its quality. For lasting change to truly happen, it needs to be a team effort, all the way down the line, and although good leadership is required for that to happen, it isn't nearly enough.

No matter whether you are in an organisation or a family, leadership is the key to it functioning well and being able to move with the times. Being able to adapt to the situation as well as meet the needs of those around you are important skills for any leader, boss or parent (and they can often be at odds with each other). Will Barack Obama fulfill the hopes of the Nobel Peace Prize? I hope so, but in my heart I know that he is just one man. We need a prevailing will that is bigger than any one man. Can he inspire this will? Well, yes, I do believe that he can (as said by the leader himself!).
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Why Regret?

2009-11-23T15:03:00.023Z

"Non, je ne regrette rien" (No, I do not regret anything) as legendary French singer Edith Piaf sang many years ago. "Why regret a life lived in full, good and bad?" as the song goes and also the mantra of many living under the banner of positive thinking. It is true, that a life lived well is inevitably a life with mistakes, however to completely deny regret is to ignore the chance to stop repeating the same mistakes. It can also become a phantom that never leaves but is never properly dealt with. Without regret and empathy for the impact we have on others then a narcissistc personality can be an unpleasant side effect.

Where some critical errors have been made, regret can be a time of reflection, learning and growth. At times in my life, confronted with the consequences of my decisions and actions, I have wished I'd done things differently and felt deep regret. "If only.." is one of the most painful thoughts that can then trigger a whole litany of thoughts that create psychological pain. How then does one turn regret into a positive?

Cherie (name changed), a woman in her late fifties and mother to a grown-up son, came to see me due to suffering from high levels of anxiety, including debilitating and daily panic attacks. Cherie was no longer able to venture very far from her door and had become extremely isolated. This was an extreme case of someone regretting far too much. It became clear that her biggest problem was her inability to accept many of the decisions she had made throughout her adult life, as well as some of the unfortunate life events that had tripped her up along the way. She was literally consumed by regret. This, coupled with her extremely active inner critic (her self-condemnatory thinking), had frozen Cherie in a place where she could not move forwards, nor create a better life for herself. After eight sessions, Cherie was able to live with a more realistic level of responsibility to the point that she no longer needed to be in therapy, with the tools at her disposal to better manage her emotions and recognise where she might be vulnerable to a relapse. Her panic attacks had stopped, she was doing voluntary work and was taking holidays once more, something she had been highly uncertain about just two months previously.

If you find yourself regretting the events of the past it can indeed increase your ability to face the present and also to create a more fulfilling future. Getting stuck in regret is not the same as learning from past mistakes however. Here are the basic steps for putting regret to good use:

1. Allow yourself to feel sad.

2. Recognise a realistic level of responsibility - not necessarily totally and completely responsible, nor completely removed!

3. Understand why, what and how: Why did this happen? What are your triggers or vulnerabilities? How will you respond differently?

4. Remind yourself that you are fallible.

5. Remind yourself that a life lived well is a life with mistakes.

6. Figure out what else you have learned about yourself.

7. Apologise if you think this helps and is appropriate - it is never too late and a simple "I'm sorry" goes a long way.

8. Accept that you can make mistakes and decide to move on without the fear of making more.

"The man who achieves makes many mistakes, but he never makes the biggest mistake of all - doing nothing" -Benjamin Franklin.
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Do what you love, love what you do

2009-11-18T08:56:00.030Z

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced Me-High Chick-Sent-Me-High-ee) is an eminent psychology professor in California and has written some interesting stuff on the psychology of humans, in particular our happiness as well as what it is to be truly successful (not just financially well-off, highly thought of, famous etc.). For ease in referring to him in this blog I'll call him "MC". MC coined the term "flow" to describe the state of being immersed in an activity for its own sake, feeling totally energised by the act rather than the rewards that may follow afterwards. He grew up in Europe during World War II and first began thinking about flow after witnessing so many people unable to find any joy once they had lost the security of their job, home and status, and yet some did.

Having clear goals, being immersed in the activity where time passes unnoticed (time is distorted), losing any self-consciousness, having a perception of high personal control, the activity earning direct and immediate feedback, with little to no disparity between the level of challenge and ability, all contribute to flow. In relation to learning new skills or knowledge, flow is extremely important. He recognises that for children to want to master something and overcome fear or boredom, as any good teacher already knows, they must experience moments of flow, where challenge matches the level of ability, and regular goals and opportunities for direct feedback are provided (Motivating People to Learn, Edutopia, Oct 2008, MC). I can think of moments like this recently with my French tutor, me desperate to improve my ability and he generally chivvying, congratulating, advancing and reinforcing (thanks Gerard!).

Importantly MC emphasises that older people who consider themselves to be truly successful don't think so because of the amount of money they earn nor are they too worried about the opinions of others. What they report as being key is the internal state of feeling good about themselves, being respected and valued for what they do and having peace of mind. It is above all else, how we live now that determines how satisfying our lives become later on.

The real key to achieving flow, according to MC, is having the ability to direct one's attention, to control and organise it, and ignore distractions whilst pursuing what you enjoy doing. We cannot process very much at all if constantly being distracted by too many goals, objectives or interests. Most important is to do the things that truly matter to you personally, to focus on this and this alone, at the expense of other distractions. Those who cannot do this, live with what MC refers to as "psychic entropy" which means there is too much interference in the mind to allow any one thing to be done well. Flow is the exact opposite of psychic entropy. This is not about doing something grand or important either. MC notes that many of the examples of people in flow are doing fairly mundane or routine work rather than being Professors or esteemed Politicians. It is how this person feels about what they are doing, how much control they have over it and how immersed they are in doing it that matters. Being a Janitor in flow is about viewing this as meaningful and experiencing intrinsic reward more than it is about being recognised by others or being paid well. A highly ambitious individual might not really be that focused on the job at hand, rather more concerned about what the future holds, how much he / she will be paid or what prestige is attached to the job. This person runs the risk of doing this for his / her entire career before being presented with the gold watch and being asked to retire still never having been truly fulfilled (a less obvious example of psychic entropy).

A hopeful message that I take from the idea of living in flow is that it is never too late to experience a "second adolescence" and discover something that gives us this experience. We can change fairly dramatically from being highly competitve to being concerned about others (think of ruthless politicians or business-men becoming philanthropists in their later years), or from being concerned only with financial security to being financially secure doing something that holds meaning as an individual. These things might indeed become more possible once freed from the pressures of providing for a family or repaying financial commitments.

Here are some pertinent questions to ask to explore being in flow:

- when am I unconsciously good at something? (MC reports it takes c.10 years of practice to be able to be in flow for activities such as sport, music or art);

- what is it I really like to do, that I would happily do if it weren't for my obligations?

- who do I know living like this?

- would I happily put in the hours (years) of practice i.e. you feel good when engaged in this activity rather than what rewards the future offers?

- when I am older will I be at peace with having lived like this?

- how do I rate my overall ability to concentrate, block out distractions and pursue a goal single-mindedly?

- what are the main things that distract me from living more purposefully? (MC gives the examples of TV, extrinsic motivators, family, internet, friends, computer games, the media in general)

In an age where we are constantly bombarded with attention-robbing information, hopefully these questions trigger some ideas on achieving more flow, and satisfaction in your life. They certainly have for me, as someone who runs the risk of finding new and interesting projects which distract me from my bigger, more important goals. When I project myself forwards in life, suddenly my choices become much clearer and I am reminded of what I must do more of now (at the expense of these others)!
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Excitement Seekers

2009-11-05T09:22:00.018Z

Last year a couple came to see me who were hooked on excitement but since starting a family were now struggling with all the changes that this had brought to their relationship. The couple, Jenny and Steve (names changed), had enjoyed a liberated sex-life, with risk-taking and spontaneity important to both of them. Of course, this had changed after conceiving their first child, and since then, for the past 2 years, they had seen a steady decline in their sex life as well as intimacy as a couple. For couples with new babies this can be a common observation but not necessary a problem for all. For Jenny and Steve it had become a problem.

At the beginning of therapy, Jenny and Steve showed confusion, resentment and some anger towards each other. The real issues had clearly become mixed up with added misunderstandings and stresses of current everyday life and they did not know where to start to unravel the problem. One of my first tasks was to help them separate the current events from the underlying issues. I explained to Jenny and Steve that if they could resolve the real issue, then much of the current resentment, confusion and anger would dissipate. Also, in practicing truly listening to each other and in dealing with the changes as they arise, they would gain new depths of intimacy together.

As with all expectations about what it is to be a couple, I explored firstly their learned beliefs about what is important to them in a relationship and what important qualities are needed from their partner. These are the beliefs that we hold that are unique to us as individuals and have been learned from our own unique life experiences. Jenny had grown up in a very authoritarian household, with a submissive, stay-at-home mother and overly dominant father. This was something that Jenny despised and had vowed would not happen to her. It would be fair to say that this was one of Jenny's "triggers" for the anxiety she was now experiencing in her own relationship, paralysing her from being able to talk openly about it. Steve had grown up in a religious family, and feared that because his parents were quite sexually repressed, with his father absent and highly critical, that he would be too. Needless to say, their current situation was triggering considerable anxiety for them both, more so than it would for another couple without these triggers.

Exploring their learned fears, we began to challenge their perspective from something along the lines of "we are going to be just like my parents, I can't bear it" to "at times it's ok to be passive, not have sex. If we can talk about it, rather than get anxious about it, then we can create something better together. We are not a sum total of our parents' experiences, rather something different entirely". They also explored what they still loved and appreciated about each other. After this, Steve and Jenny seemed calmer, more connected and at times held hands as they opened up. They were realising that their choices were much wider than either ending up just like their parents or in being the exact opposite. In over-compensating by doing the exact opposite to their parents, couples are still reacting to the past rather than dealing with the present. Finding their own equilibrium point became more possible when their fears were aired and put into the past. Jenny had also been repressing her anger, unknowingly responding in a similar way to her mother. Jenny worked specifically on learning how to deal with anger through not denying her feelings, nor letting them get on top of her either to the point where she would just lose it.

Task 1: - Jenny and Steve, individually in therapy, explored, balanced and reshaped the expectations of their relationship. In order to do this, they put to bed some of the learned fears about passivity, mundane life and a relationship that wasn't 100% sexually-charged. Rather than fearing their current situation, they explored understanding it in the context of everything else happening in their lives.

Task 2: - Jenny and Steve listened to each other's story and fears and confessed that they had never talked about their need for thrill-seeking lovemaking in this context. They also acknowledged the enjoyment they received in lovemaking, touching, kissing and holding, and did not necessarily need the thrill-seeking. In doing so they were taking a wider perspective of their sexuality that gave them meaningful lovemaking and contact through many avenues. If couples have difficulty with this stage, keeping a pleasure diary while going back to the basics of touching, holding, caressing and appreciating can help provide added insight.

Task 3: - reintroduce some spontaneity into the relationship, within the context of now being a family of 3. Jenny in particular craved more spontaneity and so Steve listened to this and found that this was something he could easily do. Hiring a baby-sitter and booking a restaurant, coming home with flowers or just sending a text to tell her he was thinking of her, became things that Steve would happily arrange to give his wife a break, surprise her and give her more one:one attention.

Task 4: - Jenny and Steve practiced "good" anger in therapy and then outside at home. This involved recognising it early and expressing it clearly in terms of how they were feeling. They were able to talk about specific aspects of each other's behaviour that irritated or angered them without judging or condemning the other.

Over the weeks Steve and Jenny discussed accepting and appreciating some of the more mundane aspects of being a family, and creatively found new ways of being spontaneous, loving, physical and exciting. The insecurity and confusion lifted releasing much of the tension, and instead of pent-up resentment, they were talking and listening.

This was a particularly satisfying case as here were two people willing to take on and face their problems, as well as make the changes. Jenny began to see that at times she could be passive and it was OK for Steve to take the lead without it meaning that she was headed down the same road as her mother. Steve could see that both he and Jenny had some differences in their sexuality and just because they were not always connecting sexually, this did not need to mean they would become like his own parents, but that he could let Jenny know how he was feeling rather than panic. They both learned to see their problems in the context of here-and-now and realised how much of their interpretations had been tied up in their own history, which was really no longer relevant.

Having a baby will usually introduce many changes into a couple's life, not just sexually. It can highlight the more hidden, learned fears and unrealistic expectations that as adults we can hold. Through exposing them, Jenny and Steve were able to change how they viewed the "crisis" and move on from it. Jenny and Steve reported that going through such a test had allowed them to now experience an even deeper level of intimacy, growing even closer together as a family as well as a couple. This is lovely to see but even lovelier to experience!
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Recognising the dirty tricks that trip you up!

2009-10-29T10:39:00.019Z

I have just finished loading up a training sample on assertiveness to my LinkedIn page (that's free assertiveness training by the way). Having added a few tips in at the end I have decided to expand on these. Specifically for dealing effectively with what can put us off track when we are doing our level best to be assertive (and effective!). Without being specific, I have been tested many times, where asking for something to be done differently, and experienced the other person try at least some of these. I may even have used some myself in the dim and distant past! It wasn't pleasant, to be sure, but by being prepared and in recognising them as the strategies of more passive or aggressive people, we can rise above them and still achieve something constructive.

So what are the common dirty tricks played by others when we are trying to sort out a problem or just do our jobs?

Here are some of the more common ones:

- nagging (if I have to tell you one more time..)

- exaggerating (you're always / never ..)
- vague answers (this might be possible ..)
- blaming (it's your fault, if you hadn't..)
- unwanted advice (if I were you ..)
- undermining (you don't seem to be able to ..)
- boxing you in (well, what are you doing right now? Oh you're busy, well, in that case come to my place this evening ..)
- put-downs and insults (you're useless, what a loser, a hopeless case..)
The best and only way to handle these dirty tricks is to get really angry.. um no, that's not it! Don't get mad, get even and do the same back!! Not that either unfortunately. No, it's to confront it with logic. Here are some pretty good reality checkers to combat dirty tricks:
• Am I worse than others? (if so how much?)
• Is this the case all of the time? (if not, when?)
• Would most people agree with this? (who would disagree with this?)
• Is there evidence to the contrary? (what about times when ..)
Constantly striving to live up to your own or others' unattainable ideal will only make you feel inadequate, and get in the way of working towards your goals. Real success takes many forms and is never just about excelling at work, nor being the perfect parent, friend or lover. If, as a child, you were regularly criticised at home or at school, you may doubt your value as a human being and hold an exaggerated, overly negative perspective. Women in particular are vulnerable to a negative self-image because of media pressures on them to be perfect: have the perfect weight, perfect skin, perfect hair, career; be the perfect mother, cook, hostess, etc. It can be harder to recognise and deal with dirty tricks when you have been receiving them in one form or another for a long time!
If you recognise some of those dirty tricks as your own, then consider that this is far more an aggressive or passive, rather than assertive, style. It will likely wind up other people rather than build good relationships or get the job done. Kick start learning to think in more balanced ways by using these reality checkers on yourself and the assumptions that you make about others.
Constructive criticism is only useful when it aims to help you, not undermine you. To be constructive, it needs to be specific, rather than commenting about how you are in general. Recognise constructive criticism and use it to grow. Recognise dirty tricks and don't let them trip you up!
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Can Emotionally Intelligent Leadership Be Learned?

2009-10-20T20:26:00.047+01:00
The words "emotional" and "leader" together in the same breath could conjur up some pretty negative images, mostly because the word emotional is often used to describe someone overly emotional, and at least slightly out of control. The truth is that we all possess a range of emotions and knowing how these feel, what some of our triggers are for some of the less desirable ones, and being able to show appropriate emotion are all the attributes required of great leaders. This blog explores whether Emotional Intelligence (EI) can be learned or is it more an inate skill? Also, what sort of qualifications should we look for when wanting to hire a professional to assist in developing our EI?

Working With Emotional Intelligence
Daniel Goleman Ph.D, visiting Harvard lecturer, author, pyschologist and science journalist, has written extensively on the subject of EI starting in 1995 with his book, aptly entitled "Emotional Intelligence". He argues that emotional maturity is a more important factor than IQ for determining workplace success, ("Working with Emotional Intelligence", 1998). Goleman draws heavily on the landmark work of Salovey and Meyer, psychologists who previously defined EI as: “the ability to monitor one’s own and other’s emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use the information to guide one’s thinking and actions” (1990, p.189). Goleman is one in a long line of thinkers and writers who have proposed that we must first be able to empathise with others in order to help them and lead them. As early as around 300BC , Sun T'zu (if he existed) wrote in "The Art of War" that victory starts with empathy.

Inate EI?
Goleman's most recent best-seller is "Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships" (2006). Goleman explores a person's individual attachment style, shaped as an infant, this having a critical impact on EI abilities in adulthood. Attachment styles are due in part to individual temperament and also largely shaped by social and parental influences in infancy and early childhood. "Our childhood leaves its stamp on our adult ardor nowhere more clearly than in our "attachment system" ... As we have seen, children who are well nurtured and feel their caretakers empathize with them become secure in their attachments, neither overly clingy nor pushing away. But those whose parents neglect their feelings and who feel ignored become avoidant, as though they have given up hope of achieving a caring connection. And children whose parents are ambivalent, unpredictably flipping from rage to tenderness, become anxious and insecure." So these attachment styles of anxious, secure and avoidant usually follow us into adulthood and impact upon our ability to be emotionally intelligent. The "secure" attachment style (centered and grounded) is the more effective of the three when it comes to EI. The two extremes of clinginess (anxious) and aloofness (avoidant), are large hurdles for some to overcome and in extreme cases, will likely not be overcome. The secure attachment style allows enjoyment of both intimacy and solitude. The anxious person as an adult might continue to be overly dependent upon others, try too hard to please others and not cope well alone; or even overcompensate by showing traits of arrogance and narcissism; while the avoidant person is unable to fully experience intimacy; has difficulty with empathy; does not allow others to get close; is probably much more of a loner; and does not demonstrate high levels of emotion, even where warranted. The secure person embraces both intimacy and solitude because he/she has little investment in self-protection or mistrust. Authentic emotional expression is fundamentally important to being a good leader; without the mixed messages that come from someone overly people-pleasing or emotionally redundant. In other words, when those around us see us over or under-reacting emotionally, they do not feel the same level of trust in our abilities to lead, and probably rightly so. It is clear then that those with an inate secure foundation, are more equipped for EI than others.

Security and Social Awareness
"Social awareness" is a key skill of the emotionally intelligent and encompasses abilities such as being a good judge of people, having developed an emotional literacy, generally holding a positive regard towards others and possessing a healthy "trust radius". These are fairly esoteric criteria and also internally determined to each and every one of us. Clearly if someone is preoccupied with protecting himself from the evil intentions of others then he will not be predisposed to being highly socially aware. The same applies to someone with a strong dependency upon others for self-worth. "For leadership positions, emotional intelligence abilities account for up to 85% of what sets outstanding managers apart from the average” – Daniel Goleman, Working with Emotional Intelligence (1998).

EI Assessments and Development
It is with this in mind that various EI assessment tools have been developed in order to determine the areas of improvement for our leaders; given very few people in the world are perfectly secure! These tools are available for pretty much anyone to administer, once undergoing a few days of EI training, usually under the broad label of "coaching". Of much more importance than administering the test and getting the EI result however is what can be done once the tests have been administered. Is this an area that will respond well to some training, coaching or is something altogether deeper and more psychotherapeutic needed?

Craig (identity changed) is a high ranking director working in an extremely dynamic and competitive industry in the city of London. Craig approached me on Harley St to work with him privately to achieve improved EI. He was finding that all his appraisals were coming back with the same feedback - Craig delivers extremely well on his deadlines and organisational objectives but his soft skills are below average. He is liked by his superiors but not by many of his subordinates. The area that most people would like Craig to improve on is being less arrogant and more empathic. During our first session together, Craig admitted that he found this feedback overwhelming. This is usually the case when feedback is about something that is fundamental to the person. How could he possibly adjust these habits of a lifetime, particularly when most of his reactions were unconscious, automatic and seemed to get the job done? This is a valid concern and if left unaddressed, the individual is caught between wanting to deliver against objectives and wanting to please others, resulting in neither being done, with stress mounting for the person in question. Craig needed safe ways to test letting go of some of his more competitive traits in order to rehearse more empathic ones, and so a plan was put in place for him to begin to gather new evidence to support new ways of behaving. Upon deeper exploration with Craig, we also uncovered that Craig was "predisposed" to being competitive, having been encouraged to do so from a very early age, beginning with competing to be heard in an extremely noisy household! Under the bold exterior, Craig also experienced high levels of anxiety and insecurity about himself in relation to others. He could attribute this to various factors such as growing up feeling like a square peg in a round hole at school, with parents who were themselves frequently shouting and stressed, and generally not receiving sufficient attention other than when achieving remarkable results.

In examining Craig's main complaint against him, that of being too arrogant, an underlying fear of incompetence emerged. This fear was something that drove Craig to excellence in almost everything he did. Again, this was one of the reasons that Craig had been promoted so quickly and was viewed as a bright, young star. He agreed that this was a main "pro" to him holding on to this fear. It was important however that we unearthed the "cons" of this fear and in doing so, it brought to light the fact that Craig's personal relationships as well as those with subordinates who relied upon Craig for guidance and knowledge generally suffered. He admitted to being more intent on achieving than listening, on teaching others how to do things his way rather than attempting to understand others' points of view (frequently putting other people's backs up!) as well as not being sufficiently tolerant with those less experienced than he. At worst, when Craig's fear of incompetence was fully activated, Craig found it extremely difficult to control his temper and unsurprisingly this really worked against him, both at home and at work. Craig and I worked on modifying his existing beliefs about what he needed to do to be truly successful, and not just in work. In order for these to become automatic, he needed to rehearse them in session, role-playing situations in order to then go out and practice them, and to receive fair and helpful feedback from those around him who support him. His underlying feelings of anxiety and insecurity reduced through balancing his views of what would make him a great boss as well as a husband and father; and importantly, practicing a set of relaxation and stress management techniques helped address when he was likely vulnerable to triggers. In working with hypnotherapy Craig modified his mental image - to that of someone more mature and empathic rather than arrogant and anxious, strengthening the links between positive outcomes and the traits of EI being rehearsed.

Having used these tools and worked with some fairly high-profile individuals with these sort of challenges, my opinion is that it is not an area that one should be expecting a coach with fairly limited psychological training to assist with, as areas such as the client's learned expectations about him/herself in relation to others; his/her abilities to trust others; and automatic, learned responses, particularly when under stress, need to be adapted. This requires a coach with a breadth of training and experience in psychotherapeutic methods as well as simply holding a coaching certificate and EI assessment certification. Exploring someone's inner world, their belief system and also modifying behaviours - perhaps overly passive or overly aggressive - which have in fact served the individual very well, are not changes to be attempted lightly nor can they be worked on superficially.

What Are The Qualifications Needed to Coach EI?
Modifying the areas of a person relating to their self-worth, attachment style and ability to trust and then rebuilding them in a way that does not threaten the individual's hard won successes; will not likely be achieved in just a few sessions, nor with a coach trained in applying goal theory (the standard coaching cetification which teaches coaches to hold the view that one must identify the goals and coach a client in accordance with them, in order to motivate the client to learn new skills) and a bit of NLP (neurolinguistic programming, a poorly validated and misused collection of behavioural techniques that make some quite extravagant claims to deliver swift behavioural modification). EI is a term to cover a variety of skills deriving from very fundamental beliefs that we hold about ourselves and the world as we have learned it to be, from our earliest moments onwards: it is not just about developing emotional self-control, nor in learning more about the skills of motivating and managing others. For a highly successful leader wishing to further develop their EI skills, psychotherapeutic experience in the EI Coach is essential, in my opinion. The case study of Craig sounds pretty straightforward but it is precisely the steps highlighted there that are the most problematic for a coach with insufficient training and experience: what are the predisposing factors to the problems being demonstrated - and how entrenched are they?; how can risk be managed in adapting some of the maladaptive behaviours that have served the individual very well, in the organisation that they operate?; what is a realistic improvement for this individual?; and even more importantly, how can tolerance to trial and error learning be improved, usually in someone used to learning new things and getting results extremely quickly? The skills required of a coach with this calibre of leader are complex, psychotherapeutic but also requiring strong organisational experience, particularly in appreciating the influence of the organisation and group on the individual. My advise to any leader seeking EI coaching is to avoid coaches who do not have an organisational development background coupled with formal training and experience in psychotherapy. Specifically find a coach trained in administering EI assessments and also Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), the most effective therapy for linking behaviour with emotional development. Without this blend of experience in handling the organisational influences as well as changing the individual ones, coaching could be highly damaging to a leader's chances of survival and improvement, particularly in the complicated environment that he or she likely exists.
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Heading off Crisis At The Pass

2009-10-16T09:35:00.012+01:00
Let's face it, relationships can be problematic at least some of the time. Sometimes other people's motivations and intentions are not clear and at other times, our own problems or motivations can cloud our abilities to come to the right conclusions. As I probably say in every other blog, it's useful to remember that it is impossible to expect that relationships be problem-free. In fact, problems and differences are healthy - less healthy is where these are ignored. That's when they grow extra heads, arms and legs! Here are my top 10 tips for reducing conflict, either at home or work.

A common path to conflict looks something like this (from low conflict to high conflict):

Discomfort - Incident - Misunderstandings - Tension - Crisis

Discomfort: This niggles more than shows up overtly. Things just don't feel right; it isn't necessarily that anything has been said, but there is a less safety or security felt on either or both sides. Think of a situation you have been in which escalated into a crisis or fall-out. It's likely that in hindsight you had picked up on this at a much earlier stage. Often people will say things like, "my instincts were telling me that this would happen"; "I've seen this coming for a while"; and so on.

Incident: An unsettling exchange occurs, without much real problem solving. This is sometimes just bickering but at times it suggests that bigger problems are being left unresolved. The incident can often be a sign that there is more to this than just this isolated incident. A throw away remark about one-half not doing the dishes with a return volley that this is just nagging is an example of my own that comes to mind! In the workplace it could be about just about anything, time-keeping, the way in which reports are written, how people interact in meetings, how emails are handled as a form of communication, and so on.

Misunderstandings: Motives and facts become confused or misinterpreted. Intentions are interpreted without checking that this is the case. There is little checking of what was heard versus what was intended. Take the bickering couple for example; rather than asking how the other feels (a stressful day contributing to dishes not being done? tiredness contributing to getting snappy at not having the dishes done?) each heads off to their separate corner to stew with the misinterpretation that clearly he/she doesn't respect me; listen to me; care about me - if they did, they would surely listen!

Tension: The relationship is becoming entangled with negative attitudes and more black:white opinions. Is the relationship becoming a regular source of worry or concern? Is the bickering increasing and even less problem-solving about what could be done about it?

Crisis: The relationship is buckling under the strain of misunderstandings and little to no cooperative problem solving. Are you dealing with a major event like a possible rupture in a relationship; leaving a job; violence or destructive acts?

So here are my top 10 tips for heading off crisis at the pass:

1. Address Conflict Early
The best time to fix problems is at the earliest stage. In times of crisis, positions have likely become very entrenched and people involved less disposed to feeling kindly to the other party. Becoming aware of conflict at the earlier stages of discomfort and minor incidents is a useful skill, and this involves recognising early how you are feeling. Feeling irritated at being told what to do but continuing to allow someone to talk to you in a way you dislike will not alleviate your irritation and likely polarise your positions even more.

2. Question Your Interpretations
If feelings of discomfort, irritation or upset are there, try to focus on them and figure out what intentions you are interpreting with the other person. Are these completely true and fact? Because you feel irritation is it true that this person is trying to annoy you? Would other people interpret them in the same way? What other factors personal to you are contributing to your interpretation? Separating another's behaviour from intention is a very important skill in managing conflict and reducing the likelihood of conflict. We can only read what we see, not necessarily what the other person(s) intend. Having empathy for another can be difficult when in a crisis but it is fundamentally important if the relationship is to be rescued.

3. Focus on Needs
Usually conflict arises where needs are not being met. These might be about money, or territory, or internal drives such as independence, autonomy, status, respect or self-esteem. Think about international conflicts such as Northern Ireland, Palestine or Iraq - they likely cover all of them. Aggression does nothing to address needs and usually just inflames them. Remember that offering solutions is not the same as uncovering needs and needs are usually not immediately apparent, otherwise the conflict or disagreement would not be happening. When asked what they need, some people reply with solutions that they think are needs, such as "I need him to ring me when he's going to be late”. The need is to know he is safe. There can be a variety of ways to meet that need. Phoning in when late is only one.

4. Keep it simple
If the need is quite complex, about "lifestyle" for example, then break it down in to smaller, more specific parts. This can be done by asking the person what this comprises; what are the most important parts that are not being addressed (prioritising); what it would mean to the person if they were met; how these parts can be met - what does that look like to the person?

5. Identify Common Ground
Disagreements and conflict can be overwhelming and suddenly it can appear as though nothing is working! Reminding each other of the things that are working well is crucial. In a crisis situation such as Palestine, some of you might be thinking "how on earth could that be possible?". Well, a creative Mediator would be equipped with some times where both sides have agreed to a cease-fire; where agreements have been made, even if adhered to only for a short-while; and importantly, where needs and concerns are common to both sides. These are the building blocks for conciliation and ultimately peace. If the examples really are too inadequate, then this can be part of the creative process - brainstorming around "what might common issues be?"; "how would you both like situation x to have been handled differently?"; "you both dislike the threat to your national security and trade"; etc. No matter how complex a crisis situation has become, there is always an opportunity for establishing some common ground.

6. Identify Consequences
If either or both parties are unwilling to find solutions once needs are on the table, painting the picture of what the future looks like will help focus each on finding new ways of thinking and behaving. Highlight the costs of not resolving this.

7. Wave a Magic Wand
If needs are still not clear, asking the question "if I could wave a magic wand, what would improve this for you" might do the trick in identifying more internal needs, such as respect or security.

8. New Perspectives, Assumptions and Insights
What hadn't been considered before? What now seems clearer? Rather than labelling the other as a bigheaded, MCP, might it be now something entirely different - a tired, confused and unintentionally annoying partner - a bit like you?! Accepting a broader perspective will diffuse tension and head off a crisis.

9. Dealing with Deeper Needs
Is there reluctance to express exactly what the less apparent needs are? In cases where someone has a hidden agenda, it might not always be possible to find a solution. If one party is not willing to share then a solution will not necessarily be found. Problems cannot always be solved in the first instance. Remember the other person might be getting more out of having the problem than in solving it e.g. having a high investment in being right; having the final say; taking the credit; financial gain in the form of performance bonuses; fearing making a commitment; etc. Consider ''stepping back'' emotionally, or even physically distancing yourself to more clearly see the part of the problem that belongs to the other person.Work towards your own resolution, knowing that you have done all that you can. This often involves some practical steps to be taken so consider what these are and how best you can prioritise them.

10. Respond not React
Remain centered and manage your emotions. Let some accusations, attacks, threats or ultimatums pass. Make it possible for the other party to back down without feeling small by reinforcing changed circumstances, making their change in position possible. This is particularly useful with teenagers where it is less likely that they have yet mastered this skill!

If you find that the crisis has gone too far, independent counselling and mediation provide a valuable, impartial resource. Find someone accredited as a mediator or counsellor and engage the other side in choosing this path. If there are already recurring incidences, do not wait.
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Reducing Stress At Work

2009-10-03T12:36:00.011+01:00
A few days ago the press sadly ran the story of the 24th suicide, in 18 months, of a France Telecom worker; this being a 51 year old father of 2 who leapt to his death from a motorway overpass after leaving a note blaming “the atmosphere at work". In accordance with France Telecom's 3 year on-the-move programme, he had been moved to a different region and to work in a Call Centre renowned for high stress. Another possible contributing factor was that France Telecom had laid off 22,000 staff from 2006 - 2008 with many employees left feeling threatened. In being moved every 3 years, crucially there is less support available from colleagues or friends - regular moving simply alienates people, particularly during vulnerable times. The number of suicides at France Telecom, and in such a short space of time, is truly frightening and a serious indicator of how stress is able to distort someone's sense of self-worth and ability to reason rationally. To note, France Telecom suspended their 3-year move programme on the 29th September of this year.

Our own workplaces in the UK are prone to stress, hopefully protected more than France Telecom's however, thanks to the UK Government's HSE Stress Management Standard and tools to help employers and employees work together to prevent excessive work-related stress (launched on 3rd November 2004).

The HSE defines stress as, 'An adverse reaction a person has to excessive pressures or other types of demands placed upon them' and says "Given an excess of pressure, stress can therefore happen to anyone, and should not be seen as a weakness. Instead, an individual needs to be helped to deal with these pressures." (Making the Stress Management Standards work: How to apply the Standards in your workplace, HSE). So what should employers do and how readily has there been uptake?

It entails an employer assessing roles for potential of stress - for example there is higher stress when working in a call centre versus working in a more autonomous role. It also requires employers assessing employees for vulnerability to stress. The HSE has developed an assessment tool which employers can use to assess the workplace for potential to stress. It is a 6-factor assessment, covering the primary stressors in the workplace, likely to adversely affect most people, as follows:

1. Demands - this includes issues such as workload, work patterns and the work environment.

2. Control - how much say the person has in the way they do their work.

3. Support - this includes the encouragement, sponsorship and resources provided by the organisation, line management and colleagues.

4. Relationships - this includes promoting positive working to avoid conflict and dealing with unacceptable behaviour.

5. Role - whether people understand their role within the organisation and whether the organisation ensures that they do not have conflicting roles.

6. Change - how organisational change (large or small) is managed and communicated in the organisation.

This is now accompanied by updated recommendations for management competencies to be assessed and improved in order to better manage the people who work for them, even if the environment is highly stressful. This requires employers and particularly HR professionals building a system for not only developing the skills amongst line managers; but also demonstrating that these skills have been evaluated and corrective actions taken or improvements made accordingly. Also, employers or HR departments must adequately possess these skills to begin with, before they can then pass them on or assess them in others. (This becomes even more challenging where the organisation has outsourced their HR function.)

The skills required of managers for managing stress are considered to be the skills that makes any manager competent (i.e. they are one and the same). These are skills that I have promoted and trained many in and I have to say, I am a more than a little pleased that this is being validated as invaluable for better management of stress, particularly at a time like now, where it is estimated that 1 in 6 employees on long-term absenteeism are suffering from chronic stress. Here is a summary of the competencies being outlined by the HSE, devised in collaboration with organisational psychologists for managers to show competence in:

1. Respectful and responsible: managing emotions and having integrity; having a considerate approach - must not be unpredictable in mood; pass on stress to employees; panic about deadlines; create unrealistic deadlines; give more negative than positive feedback; nor take suggestions about improvements as a personal attack.

2. Managing and communicating existing and future work - deals rationally with problems; deals with problems as soon as they arise; has a participative and delegating style - must not give too little direction to employees; be indecisive in making decisions.

3. Reasoning/managing difficult situations - acts as mediator in conflict situations; deals with squabbles before they become arguments - must not try to keep the peace rather than resolve issues; must not avoid addressing bullying.

4. Managing the individual within the team - speaks personally rather than uses email; is empathetic and sociable - must not simply assume rather than checking that employees are okay.

Empathy is fairly problematic for a stressed out manager however. Consider the definitions provided by the HSE:
encourages employee input in discussions
listens when employees ask for help
makes an effort to find out what motivates employees at work
tries to see team member’s point of view
takes an interest in team’s life outside work
regularly asks ‘how are you?’
treats all team members with equal importance
My colleagues and I are trained to assess the individual as well as the organisation, to provide an assessment in line with the HSE Management Standard, as well as providing the training and coaching some managers require in areas such as mediation skills and the soft skills such as listening, empathy and emotional self-control and stress reduction. Additionally, a wealth of information can be found at www.hse.gov.uk/stress
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Laying the foundations for healthy relationships

2009-09-21T08:56:00.023+01:00
Last week I wrote about one aspect of building healthy attachment in a new infant, the way in which parents respond to the individual needs of their children, at the earliest stage, when they cry.

This week I explore further how healthy adult relationships can depend upon the attachment built early on as a child with the parents. Relationship patterns that follow people throughout life are claimed by many psychologists to be established largely between the ages of 0 - 18 months. Of interest to this blog is how early attachment then defines our abilities to build relationships and assess "reality" when encountering differences with others (thus the amount of conflict one experiences in one's own emotional life), in later life. It is generally accepted that early experiences with caregivers gradually give rise to a system of thoughts, memories, beliefs, expectations, emotions, and behaviours about the self and about others, including what one should expect of love and intimacy from others. This system is called the "internal working model of social relationships", and continues to develop with time and experience. It enables the child to a greater or lesser extent handle new and different types of social interactions as it develops through adolescence and into adulthood. An adult's internal working model continues to develop and to help cope with friendships, marriage, and parenthood, all of which involve different behaviours and feelings. This is also the reason that different styles of relationships work for different people, rather than there simply being one blueprint for all. Some couples need and give more space than others; why one wife is happiest when her husband is around all the time, whereas another prefers to have time apart as well as time together, for example.

The main claim of Attachment Theory is that a young child needs a secure relationship to at least one primary adult caregiver for normal social and emotional development to take place. Indeed, significant separation from a familiar caregiver, or frequent changes of caregiver in a young infant, may result in psychopathology at some point in later life. Much has been written about attachment, including how an infant learns expectations and styles of attachment, from the earliest responses to its cries (at 0 - 2 months); to discriminating amongst various possible caregivers (from 6 months - 2 to 3 years, this being described by psychologists as the "critical period"). The theory originated from psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby and has been developed further since. The key word for healthy attachment is secure. Feeling secure however is not a one-size-fits-all, with some infants appearing to be more temperamentally secure than others. The claim cannot be nature over nurture (that we are genetically predisposed, our temperaments are all set at birth and that is that), nor nurture over nature (that our environment, parents etc. will be totally responsible, disregarding individual temperament, more complex family systems, genetics, etc.), rather that the outcome for any individual is a more complicated blend of both.

There are however some parental givens in encouraging healthy attachment in one's infant, and these are defined quite clearly within Attachment Theory. Developmental Psychologist, Mary Ainsworth, introduced the concept of the "secure base" and developed a theory of how attachment patterns are developed in infants, through interaction between them and their primary caregiver (usually their mother), attachments defined as follows:

1. Secure attachment
2. Avoidant attachment
3. Anxious attachment
4. Disorganised attachment

She and her colleagues developed the "Strange Situation Procedure" in the 1960s, which is a widely used, well researched (tested in Scotland and Canada) and is a validated method of assessing an infant's pattern and style of attachment to a caregiver. This is administered as follows:

1. Parent and infant are introduced to the experimental room.
2. Parent and infant are alone. Parent does not participate while infant explores.
3. Stranger enters, converses with parent, then approaches infant. Parent leaves inconspicuously.
4. First separation episode: Stranger's behaviour is geared to that of infant.
5. First reunion episode: Parent greets and comforts infant, then leaves again.
6. Second separation episode: Infant is alone.
7. Continuation of second separation episode: Stranger enters and gears behavior to that of infant.
8. Second reunion episode: Parent enters, greets infant, and picks up infant; stranger leaves inconspicuously.

Two important aspects of the child's behaviour are observed:

1. The amount of exploration (e.g. playing with new toys) the child engages in throughout.
2. The child's reactions to the departure and return of its caregiver.

On the basis of their behaviours, the children are categorised into the four groups, listed above.

Our ability to hold mature, intimate and loving relationships depends largely upon our internal working model of social relationships, how evolved it is, and how capable we are of further evolution emotionally and cognitively. The optimistic view (and mine) is that we continue to evolve cognitively and emotionally as adults. There are some provisos of course, such as a need to be self-aware of some of the flaws in one's existing internal working model of social relationships. With someone experiencing a full-blown psychopathology, this self-awareness is extremely difficult to elicit, as perceptions have become fractured and dissociated. For most people however, learning to have even more fulfilling relationships includes having the ability to learn about one's own internal model. Here are some key questions to explore with yourself, keeping in mind the overall question "would someone else agree with my perceptions"?

1. What beliefs do I hold about my likelihood to be loved and to give love in return?
2. Are my expectations of others too low or too high (note: expectations could be high for some yet not others, e.g. high for work colleagues, yet too low for family members; etc.)?
3. How do I sense-check my perceptions, needs and expectations?
4. How do I recognise where I am being emotionally triggered by past events rather than the realities of the present e.g. my emotional reaction is likely to be considered by most others as inappropriate or out of proportion for the given situation (usually a triggering event, upsetting more to me than others)?

So what if there are some learned automatic responses such as insufficient reaction (lack of affect), distorted perceptions (misinterpretations) or over-reactions that need to change? If this is the case, cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT), cognitive behaviour analysis, dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) and hypnotherapy are effective approaches to consider. They provide the pathways, or bridges to new, more adaptive internal models through providing opportunities for social learning, bringing more adaptive ways of responding and thinking. As with learning any new skill however, this involves being out of one's comfort zone, feeling uncomfortable, experiencing a higher level of uncertainty, accepting that with learning comes error and mistakes, and all of this can be incredibly hard for some who has developed disorganised, anxious or avoidant attachment styles. If you suspect you have or your partner has any of these attachment styles, my guidance is to find a therapist that you can trust, who can give you professional insight into your internal working model of relationships and also offer you the bridges to learning and experiencing new and more fulfilling intimate relationships. Many people can see in later life, years of wasted experiences that have repeated the same pattern time and time again, even with very different people. Changing or even avoiding partners will not change the patterns unfortunately.
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

The Alpha Female

2009-09-03T10:17:00.017+01:00
Last week a leading feminist writer, Fay Weldon, published her thoughts on women needing to ease up on men and was thus interpreted by the popular Press as implying that women are holding unrealistic expectations of their men and hence remaining single beyond their childbearing years. This "post-feminist" opinion has created a bit of a divide amongst women on whether this is a fair statement, or indeed helpful to women today.

My own thoughts on this are pretty clear. The feminist movement did women a great service in that, thanks to their broadening the role of women in society to encompass all areas that previously had been a men-only domain, women can now choose whether to be in a relationship, to have a family or to prioritise having a career. What the media appear to have enjoyed doing however is toying with women, cat-and-mouse style, be it choosing family over a career or vice versa. Fay Weldon's comments are (as you would expect of her) controversial as they could be read to imply that women must allow men to behave in a certain way - perhaps even to "put up and shut up". I don't know if Ms Weldon actually supports this extension of her opinion but it is certainly a far cry from championing the rights of women to expect more of their lot! Fay Weldon reserves the right to change her mind however, once an atheist and now a pillar of her local church; a self-confessed manipulator of the truth if it will make good entertainment; and not necessarily someone to be relied upon to stand by her strong opinions of the day. To be fair, she was quoted by last week media as having said "I like to think I'm an honourable person, with alarming propensities to invent." http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/books/features/fay-weldon-all-that-antiman-stuff-is-no-longer-appropriate-1777990.html

So women who have passed their childbearing years and have not yet found the partner of their dreams are being labelled by certain areas of the Press as "picky", "alpha", "emotionally immature" or "difficult". It seems as though we haven't yet found a space for women to just "be" if this is the case. Single men in their forties are more commonly congratulated as "eligible" or "a good catch" but not yet it seems have our popular Press found a more positive perspective to give his female counterpart.

My work is sometimes with women, single in their thirties, forties, and beyond, struggling to find a positive place for themselves to exist in their own minds, regardless of how others might view them. The reality is that there are as many "picky" women who are married as are single, alpha can mean the pushy mum as much as the demanding, single, female boss. Here are a few much more positive perspectives of a woman who is single and childless:

1. free spirited;

2. independent thinker;

3. embraces change;

4. takes responsibility for her own destiny;

5. enjoys her own company;

6. does not seek validation through being in a relationship.

etc.

Of course, this does not negate that there are some single women who would love to be in a committed relationship, but their ideals of such a relationship make the realities of finding one virtually impossible. Real committed relationships are usually messy, they have their ups and downs and they require a good deal of biting one's tongue, permitting petty annoyances to exist and generally they hold a fair amount of uncertainty. The big issues that I usually explore with a woman miserable because she cannot seem to hold down a committed relationship are her own tolerance to uncertainty, her willingness to trust, including her expectations from men and others in general. For some women, having the level of uncertainty that marriage or partnering offers, is simply too intolerable. The fear of getting hurt, the desire to have assurances that he will "always love me" and / or "never leave me", will surely obstruct a more relaxed approach to dating. In this regard however, I see as many men struggling with this intolerance to uncertainty as women.

It must surely be time to give women the space to suffer their choices in a comparative way to men, to enjoy their singledom to the same extent as men, and to make choices about their marital status in the same way as men. The negative branding and stereotyping of childless, middle-aged women is still ok with the popular Press and I see women's biggest challenge today being shirking the suggestion that they have messed up, or even they are messed up, should they find themselves single and forty, fifty or beyond. Life is about making choices, it involves making mistakes and accepting that no-one gets everything. The harder road can be the path less travelled, and for women this involves choosing to remain single or childless.

We cannot all make the right decisions at the right time, and we cannot seek to have it all. This applies as much, if not more to women, than to men. "The best-laid plans of mice and men, go oft awry (Gang aft agley)" as the Scots poet, Rabbie Burns wanted us to see as far back as the mid-1700s. Women have the right to take the more positive view of making their own way, not necessarily fitting in to society's more prescribed role, as more eloquently said by four-time Pulitzer Prize winning American poet, Robert Frost (1920):

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Why do I get so stressed out on holiday?

2009-08-23T16:24:00.032+01:00
When I'm writing this little blog I'm usually feeling calm, analytic and have my therapists hat firmly on, so it's easy to write about how to manage one's emotions, how to improve relationships and be a happier person. However, in my more tired and stressed-out moments I am reminded very quickly that I still have the ability to become a little obsessed about, and more than a little irritated by, "the small stuff". For me, this is never more in evidence than when I am on holiday. Like a lot of other people, my holidays are when my relationship is most vulnerable to disagreement and discord. This might seem a little contradictory, admitting this as someone who advocates the merits of taking a break, however, it has to be said that one woman's meat is another woman's poison! My idea of a break, and my partner's for example, are somewhat different. While he loves to do nothing more than to lie by the side of the pool under a baking sun, dipping in and out of the pool from time to time, I am lurking in the shade fidgeting, reading, writing or thinking (a little obsessionally I am going to admit) about what I am going to do with this down-time.

As a child, I grew up as a dancer from the age of 3 onwards and I suspect my perfectionist tendencies were molded there, ballet being notorious for shaping this kind of thinking. During any long spells of time spent at home, I'd mooch around, offering my long-suffering family large dollops of bad humour interspersed with bouts of introspection, dancing in my mind and in my bedroom. As a developing adolescent I realised that this propensity towards bad humour when inactive would have to be channelled towards doing something physical and thus I became very sporty as well as becoming moderately successful in my academic and then my professional life. I was, I reasoned, channelling my energy in to some very productive habits. In my twenties I found myself working extremely hard, studying and keeping myself in good shape with quite a disciplined regime going. By the time I hit my late twenties, I realised that I was quite bored with this, with not much to remind me that there was a bigger world out there. For a time, I gave up work, travelled, examined my own values, learned another language, took some vocational studies and generally became more relaxed through broadening my own horizons rather than just "keeping busy".

As someone who now openly acknowledges her perfectionist tendencies, I can see that my idea of being more relaxed is not necessarily my partner's! Throughout my adult life I've shared holidays with friends and family that have nearly driven me to despair through boredom of doing what many consider to be the perfect break of lying on a beach or by a pool. I usually curb this by seeking out something that I can become gainfully occupied in learning, doing or creating. During the past holidays this has manifested itself in taking sailing lessons, salsa lessons, Spanish lessons, touring nearby historic sites and so on.

With my partner, he shares his holiday between doing what he loves and doing things that we can love doing together. We are happy sailing together, we are in sunshine, on the water and whipping up a bit of speed! I have realised that I don't particularly enjoy strong sunshine and that I do not get my kick from baking to a crisp on dry land! Thankfully as a couple, we are able to find plenty of commonalities even if on a holiday that isn't my first preference. I am also able to pre-empt discord by knowing why I am feeling this way and how I can accept the down-time (my biggest challenge).

Now that I'm in my forties, I'm aware that the sort of holiday that most advertising gurus encourage us to dream of (the deserted sandy beach being fanned by palm fronds, facing an azure blue lagoon of ocean, with a limitless supply of cocktails waiting in reserve) could be guaranteed boredom for me. It will surely activate my perfectionist tendencies and before I know it I will be in the grip of one of my darker moods. As a therapist used to working with others seeking to modify their own perfectionist tendencies, I know that this is not so strange nor uncommon. We often hear about high achieving business people, academics or celebrities who do not switch off while vacationing; who do not interact particularly well with their families on holiday; and are generally happiest when busy or achieving. The upside is that for this type of person achieving feels better than relaxing, the downside is that personal relationships can be ignored and worse still damaged.

It's therefore not too hard to understand when I have a totally stressed-out client who is adamant that going on a holiday or simply taking a longer break from work will not help, in fact it could make them worse. Some might say that there is the potential for some collusion of the therapist in the client's problem. Well, yes there is, although my experience is that as someone who has struggled with this, I can also empathise; having had to work on this myself, I can help others to become aware of the less conscious thinking that is the more likely source of stress; as well as develop the potential areas for shared enjoyment with their family or partner.

My point this week is that it is not any given situation that stresses us out, or relaxes us for that matter, but rather the view that as individuals we take of it. If you and your partner share an opinion on what makes a fantastic holiday then this is great news for ensuring you have a wonderful time. Unfortunately, as I have experienced from time-to-time in my own life, if not, then it can become a recipe for disagreement and further stress. For my part, I have stopped feeling as though there is something wrong with me that I cannot bear to spend more than an hour lying on even a beautiful caribbean beach. I have been known to hate beaches, to loathe the intense heat of lying under the midday sun and I admit that I get a little mean when having someone else's holiday for too long. At times I realise that the disagreeable child my family knew and loved so well lives on! What I have managed to get to grips with however is that thankfully I really can choose to have a holiday that might be some people's idea of hard work, but is my idea of utter bliss! Being happy as a couple needn't be doing the same things on holiday. In fact, for couples like myself and my partner, the answer is often is to find out what we can share and enjoy together and to accept the things that we cannot.
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Finding safety in the face of fear

2009-08-20T13:52:00.015+01:00
Harry reappeared for counselling, having seen me for developing his coping skills while going through a painful divorce a number years ago. Unfortunately, he had been finding himself faced with very similar problems in his new relationship. On one level he was conscious that this was a pattern which had prevailed long before he met this woman, however during our first session together he was too preoccupied with blaming this woman for the flaws and defects that he felt were too important to ignore, yet he could not leave nor seem to resolve them. He also reported that he could not "bear" the feeling of being out of control that being in a relationship brings. Harry's dilemma was that in order to become a father, he needed to decide whether to stay and commit or to leave and find someone he felt more compatible with.

Vanessa, another client, had been married three times; she insisted that she continued to believe in the benefits of marriage but could not bear the experience of being "controlled" once in the marriage. Her problems in relationships she noted, appeared in a similar pattern, time after time.

What becomes apparent for such people is that their fear of being controlled in relationships (and of losing control) have come to dominate their life choices; and as with most powerful fears, what we focus on will unfortunately come to pass. If we focus on our hearts' desires and life goals, we can achieve something pretty close. If however, we focus on the things that we fear or really do not wish to happen, then unfortunately these will come to pass. As the ancient chinese proverbe says, "the dog that barks loudest is the one that gets fed". If our fears are louder than our hearts' desires then our goals and dreams become lost over time, as we "feed" the fear.

For Vanessa and Harry, because of their fear of being controlled, they have become hyper-sensitive to it, continually scanning the relationship for problems, over-reacting to the signs of any, and over-compensating by becoming both overly controlling themselves and then letting go completely. Sadly, this creates an ideal environment for a controlling pattern to grow. In highly controlling relationships, the major problem is a fluctuation between too much and too little control, creating erratic swings in decision-making and moods. Additionally, because they value independence and a high locus of control, they likely gravitate towards partners with similar preferences or problems. Pop psychology articles might refer to these individuals as "commitment-phobic", however this label is extremely unhelpful in helping these individuals sustain a mature, loving relationship.

Finding Safety
Cognitive Therapists will work with their clients to identify their "safety behaviours" during the diagnostic phase of therapy. This is because clients experiencing undesirable patterns in their relationships have likely developed some maladaptive safety behaviours. In order to break the undesirable cycle in the relationship, so must these safety behaviours be identified and broken, as these maintain the problem. During therapy, the safety behaviours for Harry and Vanessa to work on adapting were as follows:

1. Serial withdrawal: breaking up and making up was a regular occurrence; as was threatening to split in order to get their partner to "back off" or to change their behaviour;

2. Keeping the escape exit clear - for Harry this meant refusing to be in a relationship where having children or making a bigger commitment were on the agenda; for Vanessa this entailed her keeping her social life completely separate from her partner;

3. Being hyper-vigilant to the early warning signs of losing control; fighting to regain control.

These 3 safety behaviours are good examples of what someone "commitment phobic" might do. Another very common one is to pick a partner who themself cannot become an intimate partner or make demands of true intimacy. In order to "protect" themselves from their fears, Harry and Vanessa were responding in a way that meant a mature, loving and adaptive relationship was untenable. What they both agreed to do was develop new and healthier ways of responding to their fears and the real problems experienced in their relationships. This involved both of them being able to take each situation on its own merits, solve problems early rather than allowing them to fester; to negotiate the differences rather than withdraw or fight; to reduce their tendencies to over-compensate to the point where control became the issue once more (i.e. fluctuating between abdicating control and then grabbing it back).

For this fear to dissipate, focus was also shifted towards Harry's and Vanessa's most positive desires, their life goals and their achievements. For Harry, this was becoming a father and for Vanessa, this was experiencing the happiness in her third marriage that she felt had been lost after the early years.

Exercises were introduced for increasing their tolerance to giving up some of the control in the relationship and in trusting their partner. They learned with their partners to become alert to the early warning signs and found ways to better communicate how they were feeling rather than becoming emotional and ineffective. Harry realised that he was remaining in an unsatisfactory relationship simply because it permitted him to have more control. Having control is important in life, having too much control is like tightening the sail on your sailboat to the extent that you are no longer moving. Releasing their sail and learning better navigational skills allowed movement towards their goals, for both Harry and Vanessa.

As illustrated in this short blog, moving towards healthier, happier relationships might involve breaking unhelpful "safety behaviours" and learning the more adaptive skills which allow a loving and intimate relationship to flourish. I am pleased to say that Vanessa is now much happier in her third marriage and Harry finding a woman he is more compatible with, with whom he is now the proud father of 2 beautiful girls. If you find you are responding more to the things you do not want in life rather than the things that you do want, think about how you are protecting yourself. How could you otherwise solve the problems; what is the evidence supporting the problem - what is the evidence to the contrary (develop your balanced thinking); what is the impact of your protective responses on others close to you? Bringing back your focus onto the things that you dream about; the things that you want in this life will increase your chances of realising them; focusing on your fears will unfortunately smother them.
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Scapegoating

2009-08-13T22:00:00.011+01:00
Recently I met someone who has on the few occasions that I have met her, bemoaned about her husband telling everyone of her intentions to leave him. She outlines how his behaviour is unacceptable, picking up on all of the small things that he does that annoy her and insisting that these are problems that he has, how miserable he is making her, and so on. Her friends and close family whisper, "Poor Sally, she really must leave him", as she spreads the word about how unhappy she is as well as giving considerable airtime to her discussing her husband. Once when I casually had asked what he had done wrong, all that came to light were a few irritating habits that seemed far from terrible. . this led me to consider the possibility of scapegoating.

So what do I mean by scapegoating? Well, scapegoating is something that has been documented as occuring within families, usually whereby one child is picked on by either or both of the parents, depicting this child as the "bad" one, with usually others in the family falling in with this view pretty quickly. Parents who do this are usually lacking in self-esteem themselves and strive to gain status through putting this child down. The child picked on may already have some sort of difficulty, either learning or physical, smaller than the rest, fatter than the rest, or even just representing the traits of someone else that the parent does not like. In extremely dysfunctional families, the bullying parent may goad the others into following suit. There can also be the dynamic where one child is portrayed as the "good" one and the other as the "bad". Unfortunately, the "good" child is not spared from problems in the future as they will likely grow up with an inflated sense of entitlement and a misguided belief of being special. Children who have been scapegoated may become adults who suffer from low self-esteem and possess a "victim" mentality. Sadly they learn that they are at the bottom of the pecking order or that they don't matter and can easily gravitate towards roles in adulthood that continue to confirm this.

In reading up on this subject I found the following description which reflects how this woman is reacting to her husband:

"It seems as if we humans as a species seem to need someone to vent our anger on and make wrong. Scapegoating is a projection defense. It is the ego saying "If I can put the blame on you, I don't have to recognize and take responsibility for the negative qualities in myself. What I can't stand about myself, I really hate in you and have to attack you for it in order to deny that I have the same quality." http://www.byregion.net/articles-healers/Scapegoating.html

Clearly the husband is far from perfect, but unfortunately an entire group of people have now become involved in villifying him. To note, there is often a grain of truth in prejudice - this is how prejudice survives. However, whenever one person is blaming someone else, no matter how tempting, we must step back and let this person sort it out. Getting involved on the sidelines, as the friends and family around the woman, is simply a recipe for bullying. On a much larger scale, scapegoating becomes a social dysfunction, with Jews against Arabs, Whites against Blacks, Men against Women, and so on. In working organisations it upsets team performance, bringing chaos as well as potential litigation.

There is some advice (from the link above) for anyone thinking that the childhood scapegoating example sounds like something they experienced while growing up, as follows:

"Stop trying to win the favor of a parent who did not like you when you were growing up. A parent who rejects their child has some severe personality disturbance and is not likely to change. The best you can do is understand the underlying dynamic of your parent and try to come to peace with this on your own. Don't expect the parent to "own" up to their mistreatment. Most likely, they will only deny and blame you again for being ungrateful. Some children who were scapegoated have as little to do with the abusive parent as they can when they grow up. Do some reading to explore how scapegoating may have affected not only your own personality, but also others in your family. Do a web search on assertive behavior to learn to challenge others putting you down. Take an assertive class and learn to set boundaries to other's inappropriate behavior." (by Lynne Namka, Ed.D.)
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

My family are driving me nuts!

2009-08-09T11:05:00.045+01:00
This seems to be quite a common refrain. It is also likely that it is something that we have all experienced at some time in our lives, directly or indirectly! But why, oh why is this so? Why can't we all just get along?!

As we learn how to behave, usually from influential role-models in the family, so we learn about the roles which are permissible to hold within the family. Here are some fairly common labels I have heard attributed to family members (all names changed of course!):

- Uncle Harry, he's the grumpy one;

- Aunt Cecile, she's always been highly strung and needs to be treated with kid gloves;

- Eldest brother Frank, he doesn't suffer fools gladly;

- Youngest sister Annabel, she's the flighty and self-absorbed one;

- Mum, she's always trying to keep the peace; or she won't speak her mind; or she needs to be centre stage; .. and so on!

With some of the people you know well, you may have noticed how they do indeed adapt and change in order to comply with parts of the stereotype, when reunited together as part of their original family. The normally collected and peaceful boyfriend becomes fractious and moody when around older brother and parents; the assertive wife who becomes meek and ineffectual in the presence of her father; etc. So what is really going on and why on earth can it follow some people long after their development into adulthood, when clearly they are in charge of their own destiny in so many other ways?

Annabel, a successful publisher and writer, came to see me as she could no longer bear going home for visits during the year to spend time with her elder brother and mother. She felt that they "made" her feel emotionally chaotic, unreliable, weak and needy. When we explored the reality, it was clear that Annabel did not see herself as this person at all nor did she behave in this way in her adult life. She considered herself to be organised, reliable, diligent and reasonably successful. What she disliked was that this did not seem to have any impact on the way that her family perceived her nor how she felt in their company. In order to give her back control of her emotions, I also wanted to help Annabel learn that no-one can "make" us feel a certain way, rather it is the view that we take of things that makes us feel this way. In other words, if we can make ourselves feel in these ways then equally we can make ourselves feel in new and better ways!

Task #1. Annabel agreed to keep a record of how she was at home, what happened and how she felt, as well as how her family behaved towards her. What she reported upon during her next session was interesting, allowing Annabel to gain clarity on what was really going on. Here's a synopsis:

Having ensured that she arrived at the family home on time and in assisting with the sunday lunch preparations, Annabel found that she was either pushed out of the kitchen by her mother, or mildly to moderately criticised for being disorganised, not preparing the vegetables properly, laying the table incorrectly, and so on. Her brother however made little to no attempt to help and appeared to receive ample praise from her mother. This had been something which had particularly upset Annabel for most of her childhood, and it seemed to her that the more she tried to help, the more opportunity for criticism she provided, yet her brother didn't seem to need to try and was praised all the more for it.

We explored how Annabel felt at this point with her family. She admitted that she felt rejected by her mother, undermined by her brother who also joined in the criticism from time to time, not good enough, and of course upset. We then explored how these feelings affected her behaviour at these family gatherings. She gave this some thought and then disclosed that initially she would try harder, followed by partially to totally disconnecting from them; withdrawing herself being her way of protecting herself from any further criticism and so becoming more upset. This Annabel found was useful data as it illustrated something that she was doing because of the treatment within her family; something that otherwise, as an adult she would never do. When asked how she would respond in her working life to such criticism from peers or supervisors, she readily admitted that she would consider their validity and either seek to reasonably make the adjustments necessary or discuss with that person the misperception that they held. A very different response in fact, to her behaviour in her family and clearly one which represented Annabel the adult as opposed to Annabel the child. This response turned out to be the one which she felt reflected most accurately who she is now, and the one which she was happiest with. Two inquiring lines of thought emerged for Annabel to explore further:

1. Why was Annabel reverting to her more child-like way of responding?

2. How did Annabel's needy behaviour affect her family's behaviour towards her?

Task #2. For Annabel's next visit home she decided to set herself the task of observing and recording how her family responded to her when she persisted as "adult Annabel". This data was even more illuminating! Here is a further synopsis of what she found:

During the sunday lunch preparations, Annabel found herself considering her mother more as she would a colleague or even a friend perhaps and asked her mother how she would like things done, where she would like things to go, and so forth. Her mother swiftly showed her how she would like it done - exactly how she would like it done in fact, with a level of detail, that upon reflection, Annabel decided was highly controlling and perfectionistic! The realisation made by Annabel was that in reality, if she persisted in trying to gain approval from her mother, it was highly likely that she would incur further annoyance and criticism from her mother.

Annabel also realised that in viewing this problem as about her mother's unrealistic demands rather than herself not being good enough, she felt more emotionally in control and far less needy and upset. She also realised that what she had interpreted as her brother being favoured was much more likely due to his ability to stay out of harm's way and allow their mother complete control in her domain. Annabel's need to please had backfired and was delivering exactly the opposite to her desired response. She surmised also that her brother was tapping into an old habit of "winding up Annabel" and when she withdrew, he viewed this as her being a moody, spoiled brat. The reasons for him doing this were likely many: possibly him seeking to establish the old and familiar hierarchy; or maybe in seeking status or control himself; him trying to establish a favourable "pecking order", to put it into layman terms!

Annabel realised that she might not be able to change the way that these family members behaved, however she could adapt how she responded and how she viewed herself and so how she felt about herself. Her feelings would become much more within her own control! This is a significant achievement, given people so often feel powerless and emotionally out of control in the face of their "dysfunctional" family patterns. For Annabel, however, the biggest breakthrough came when I asked her how she felt being the "adult Annabel" at home. She realised something fairly illuminating. After some reflection, she confessed that at first she had felt guilty, also even a little sad, almost as though she were leaving her family behind.

Unconsciously, Annabel had perpetuated being the needy little girl in order to protect her mother and preserve her family. In exploring this further, she realised that her guilt came from her ability to better curb her mother's desire for complete control, to remove this control over her emotions from her brother and mother, and that in being the adult she was leaving behind her childhood, which she suspected her mother wished to hang on to! She also acknowledged that with a mother this controlling it was very possible that unfortunately her mother felt more in control when Annabel was out of control. As a child, Annabel had been encouraged to accept this role, however as an adult she now had the choice to refuse to accept it. Thankfully, in realising this, Annabel was able and intelligent enough to figure out what she needed to do, in order to preserve a healthy relationship with her family, from there on in. Although Annabel's family were likely always going to strive to establish the old dynamic, Annabel had learned how she could intervene and alter the way that she was going to think, behave and so feel about herself. It was also likely that in behaving in a less needy fashion, there would be less opportunity for her family to criticise and needle her.

Family dynamics occur for many, many reasons. Annabel's summarised example is just one. In order for someone to discover what is really going on, I urge them to evaluate their own feelings, responses and patterns and seek out ways to alter those. The most futile reaction (but also the most tempting one) is of course to blame one's family members and demand that they change. This cannot happen - they do not necessarily even believe that there is a problem! Your family may have chosen a role for you to play when you were too young to decide for yourself. However in recognising the origins and triggers of that role, you can pick a new one much more suited to who you really are today. We all deserve to own our feelings and to enjoy our time spent with others close to us - even with a "dysfunctional" family!
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

The Impact of Emotional Role Models

2009-07-30T18:20:00.013+01:00
As a child, you probably learned patterns from others by watching how they dealt with their emotions, expressing them or denying them, or even being overly reactive themselves. These people were most likely your parents or other care-givers.

Making a list of the major emotional role models from your family, or from your childhood and adolescence can help give insight into your preferred emotional reactions and preferred style now. Begin by listing your parents, guardians, uncles, aunts, siblings, grandparents, carers, teachers, clergy, etc.

My emotional role models were:

1.

2.

3.

Other(s):

Now, comprise your list below of the top 3 people that you think were the most influential in your life. If your list is shorter than this, then work with that. In the space provided below each person’s name, list their dominant emotional style (their general emotional trait), then write a brief summary about how you remember these people. Think through if you remember them as angry, peaceful, balanced, imbalanced, depressed, anxious, etc. Finally, summarise what you think you may have learned from each of these individuals. How did you learn to manage your emotions? How easily do you recognise your emotions? Did you learn emotional balance? Did you learn to take your emotions seriously? Did you learn to be out of control or chronically angry; or how to judge others for displaying their emotions? And so on. Remember that if this person is someone you decided that you did not wish to emulate, have you over-compensated in the opposite direction e.g. if they were argumentative, have you become conflict-avoidant or vice versa?

You may include in this summary your opinion about whether these models and their lessons have been effective or detrimental to you.

Emotional role model #1:

Emotional style:

What I learned from this person:

Emotional role model #2:

Emotional style:

What I learned from this person:

Emotional role model #3:

Emotional style:

What I learned from this person:

After doing this exercise, can you think of any emotional reactions that you would like to modify or even let go? If so, list the pros and cons of this emotional reaction (the pros might be that it has become a familiar friend to you - a habit; or that it gets you the desired attention from others; you might feel good in the short-term but not so good in the longer-term; etc.).

Looking at the list of cons, write down possible alternative ways of responding that will give you more positive and sustainable outcomes. Giving consideration to the effects of your reactions on those you love or work with will help you decide how to modify these reactions. Give equal attention to those which are not visibly reactive such as simply witholding approval or communication; remaining quiet in the face of someone's bullying (avoidant); being overly-compliant (people pleasing). These are passive but will not be as productive for you in ensuring you are treated fairly. Make sure that you list all the emotional reactions that you have which are productive and are helpful in sustaining the healthy relationships that you have.
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Making changes in how you relate

2009-07-22T07:44:00.010+01:00
I have recently been dipping into my Relate's guide to better relationships. Although no longer in print it is full of useful little exercises to discover what's going on in your close relationships.

Here's one to try.

Recognising Patterns

Divide a piece of A4 paper in two. On the top half draw circles to represent yourself, members of your family and friends who are important to you. Make the circles any size you want. Put the initials or name of each person in the circles and place them as near or as far away from you as you feel they are. Consider their relation to each other. Put up to five pluses and minuses in each circle to show how supportive each person is to you (someone who is physically far away can still be very supportive).

Use the diagram to focus on the way you life is presently and how rewarding your current relationships are. Do you like this pattern? Is there anything you would like to change? Use the bottom half of the page to draw these relationships as you would like them to be.

Looking at your desired pattern, consider the following:

- what needs to happen for these changes to be possible?

- what would be the impact on your life if these changes occurred?

- how would this other person rate you in their pattern, with their own pluses and minuses?

- what is realistically possible from your side in making the change?

To Change Or Not To Change..

Making changes is a matter of choice and unless these are being forced upon you, it can be very hard to do. Breaking out of old, entrenched habits takes time and can be a painful experience if handled badly. There is also often the fear of breaking up anyway, if issues are looked at too closely. In reality, communicating properly and making adjustments keeps you on course, much as it would if driving a car, flying a plane or sailing a boat.

How this is handled is the key and professional counselling is a valuable resource. It need only be short-term and gives the added insight, tools and support to make the changes possible. Unfortunately, most couples wait 6 years (on average) to seek out support and many more fall apart without ever seeking this support. The Gottman Institute is set up to provide research and understanding to couples experiencing problems and making changes and a good reading resource also. Check them out at:

http://www.gottman.com/marriage/self_help/
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

I Want!!

2009-07-16T09:04:00.028+01:00
This week I am talking about how to ask for what you want, at the time when it matters most, and in a way that increases your chances of getting it. If you follow these guidelines, you will feel much happier about how you behaved as well as more resolved if it still does not deliver what you want. Often what holds us back in moving on is feeling unresolved, or downright guilty about how have we behaved. This is as relevant at work as at home and requires a certain amount of trial and error learning to perfect. They are pretty guaranteed methods for increasing your chances of getting what you want, although not necessarily delivering it!

There are many ways of being assertive but this week I am looking at 2 key areas of assertiveness:

1. Making a simple request assertive

2. Expressing your "I want"!

Making a simple request assertive

There are 4 components to making a simple, brief request:

1. A brief explanation (optional). Explain what your problem is in one sentence. "I'm very hot in here ... I am very thirsty ... I have had a tiring day". Not every situation needs an explanation, but when you think it will help, give one, but keep it brief!

2. Make a softening statement. This is important as it establishes you as a reasonable person who's mature and balanced. Some softening statements sound like:

- "would you mind if..?"

- "It would be helpful if .."

- "I'd appreciate it if .."

- "Could I have .." (said with a smile)

- "Hi, I was wondering if .."

These openers are disarming and so less likely to activate resistance and resentment than a hard-nosed request. They are as important with loved ones (big and small!) as they are with strangers or colleauges.

3. Ask direct, specific questions. Say what you would like to happen clearly and be exact. Leave out emotion or heat from your request. Ask for what you want in as flat and matter-of-fact a tone as possible and present it as normal and reasonable. This makes the assumption that of course anyone who is reasonable themself would be happy to accomodate it. Keep your question to one sentence. The more you elaborate and explain, the more opportunity for resistance you provide.

4. Make an appreciation statement. This reinforces the other party saying "yes" or going along with your request:

- "This would be really helpful"

- "Thank you for making the effort"

- "This will make a big difference"

- "I'd like to know if you have a problem with this"

Recently at my home here in France, I saw a gang of children, of 10 years and less, shooting air rifles at anything that moved next to my house (guns are a national past-time in France). I explained to them that as I have domestic pets I would prefer them to shoot somewhere farther away from the houses, deeper into the vineyard. I was assertive, and the children ran off giggling, only to return within minutes and begin shooting at some birds in my tree. Fuming, I marched in to the vineyard to talk to them face-to-face whereupon they scarpered once more. Weighed down by their commando gear and rifles (about the same height as they were), they could barely outwalk me. I kept following (hoping I would not receive a pellet or two in the process) but determined to discuss this with either them or some responsible adult. Eventually, I discovered that they lived not very far away from my house in an area assigned to "social housing" - the French equivalent to our council houses, but far nicer I must say. Seeing a couple of cheeky faces streaked with green-brown warpaint poking out of the gardens, I knocked on the front door to chat to the parents about my concerns (I am fairly ignorant of the laws relating to children bearing arms). If the kids have guns might the parents too? I was greeted by 2 women and 1 man and many children inside, with lots of shouting and lots of aggression. The children paraded in the background with their guns and I suddenly realised what a stupid thing I'd done. In the face of such aggression, I kept all emotion out of my face apart from the occasional friendly smile as I spoke, making as much eye contact with the woman who seemed most sympathetic, who was standing apart from the other 2. I made my request about the children, brief and specific i.e. being farther away from the house and not shooting at domestic pets. I also provided consequences that if I saw them near houses again with guns I would report it to to the authorities. At this stage a barage of yelling from one of the women ensued. I waited until she had run out of steam and then asked her if she thought I was being unreasonable. She then paused, asked me if I had children or pets that I was concerned about and I replied that I did. She calmed down a little more and then pointed out that she has little ones too that she is not concerned about at all. I pointed out that although an airgun is not likely to cause a fatality, eyes can be lost and damage can be done. I asked her what was making her the most angry (a direct, specific question) and she said it was my threat of going to the police (I later learned that these people are likely what the French refer to as "les gitanes" - gypsies - and they hate the police with a passion). I explained that I did not want to do that but that I was very concerned about having children with guns next to my house. I remained friendly, appreciative and interested about their position but very specific about what I wanted. My question "why can they not shoot farther from the houses, into the vineyard?" was both very specific but also appreciative about their reasons for not wanting this. We did not part as the best of friends, however this happened a long time ago and I have only seen this gang once since, and minus the rifles. I certainly feel happier knowing that I have at least talked to the parents, that the children know I have talked to their parents and also that I know where they live!
"I Want"!
This is the whole point of assertiveness but it needs to be thought through very carefully. The following are some guidelines to follow (paraphrased from The Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills Workbook, McKay, Wood & Brantley):
Ask for behavioural, not attitudinal change. Telling someone they have a "bad attitude" is not helpful nor likely to change very much. It is also unreasonable to expect someone to change what they believe or feel simply because you don't like it. You can ask for them to change what they are doing / how they are acting however.
Ask for one change at a time. Do not give a shopping list of things to be changed. This is overwhelming and pressuring. Pick the thing that needs to improve the most, that will make the biggest change and stick to that.
Ask for the thing that can be changed now. "in a year and a half we can make a commitment to each other .." is a very poor response to "I would like us to have a more committed relationship" because nothing changes here-and-now, and by the time this rolls around, it will likely have been pushed under the carpet and be difficult to instigate. Address here-and-now making the change, making the commitment, starting the family, etc. If it cannot begin to be prioritised now, it is very unlikely that it will magically happen later on. What's stopping it now? Is not doing it now truly a valid reason? What might other reasons be? How well are your needs and wants being considered / incorporated now? Do not be fobbed off by the promise to address this at some point in the future.
Be specific and firm. Vague requests such as "be more loving" is not particularly useful as we all have a different impression of how this looks and feels. If you feel more loved when your partner holds your hand in public, watching t.v., at the movies, etc. then say that. You need to know first of all what it is you want / need too! Asking your partner to prioritise having a family, for example, is a huge want / need and also one of the hardest to articulate specifically, firmly as well as appreciatively. I emphasise this need the most as it is one of the riskiest between couples. When agreeing to wait, there is a risk that this time reduces the overall chances of it happening in the future. This can be devastating, not just to the couple, but to the party who is then left feeling bitterly unresolved about not having more clearly asserted their need earlier.

This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Be Happy!

2009-07-12T18:37:00.007+01:00
Your Basic Human Rights

I recently ran a Maximising Happiness evening in the South of France for some expat friends (it began as workshops about having happier relationships but that quickly changed to all things happiness). We began with some exploration of the impact of assertiveness on happiness, and in particular knowing what our basic rights are. I ran through a list of basic human rights and we identified the ones that we have most difficulty in accepting, either in ourselves or in others. It proved to be an interesting exercise and led to quite a few of us talking further about the difficulties for some in saying no, for some in accepting unfounded opinions and for others to permit their loved ones to say no too!

Here's the list. See if there are any that you have difficulty with:

1. ___ to be treated as an equal, regardless of gender, race, age, sexual orientation or disability

2. ___ to be treated with respect as a capable human being

3. ___ to decide how to spend my time

4. ___ to ask for what I want

5. ___ to ask for feedback on things such as my performance, behaviour and image

6. ___ to be listened to and taken seriously

7. ___ to hold political beliefs

8. ___ to cry

9. ___ to make mistakes

10. ___ to say ‘No’ without feeling guilty

11. ___ to state my needs

12. ___ to set my own priorities

13. ___ to express my feelings

14. ___ to say ‘Yes’ for myself without feeling selfish

15. ___ to change my mind

16. ___ to fail occasionally

17. ___ to have an opinion

18. ___ to say “I don’t understand”

19. ___ to make statements with no logical basis and which I do not have to justify

20. ___ to ask for information

21. ___ to be successful

22. ___ to adhere to my own set of values

23. ___ to take time to make decisions

24. ___ to express my beliefs

25. ___ to take responsibility for my own decisions

26. ___ to have privacy

27. ___ to admit “I don’t know”

28. ___ to change / develop as a human being

29. ___ to choose whether or not to get involved in other people’s problems

30. ___ to decline to be responsible for someone else’s problems

31. ___ to look after my own needs

32. ___ to have space and time to be alone

33. ___ to be an individual

34. ___ to ask for information from professionals

35. ___ not to be dependent on others’ approval

36. ___ to be the judge of my own worth

37. ___ to choose how to behave / respond in a given situation

38. ___ to be independent

39. ___ to be me; not the person others want me to be

40. ___ not to assert myself

(adapted from the list provided in Assertiveness Training – A Sourcebook of Activities, by Sue Bishop (1995) Kogan Page)

Try to identify areas where you are not asserting your rights; or where you are being held back; or maybe even manipulated by others. This will be more difficult than you think and maybe you assert your rights with some but not with others. Equally if you find yourself pushing others to give up some of their basic rights then it might be time to take a step back and figure out other ways of coming to agreement. It is an important aide memoire for establishing where you need to concentrate on developing new and improved happiness skills!
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

The Divorce Recovery Process

2009-07-03T17:24:00.027+01:00
As my divorce is imminent (any day now), it is fairly timely to write about the experience of divorcing, including the added dimension of living in a foreign country.

Once the agreement has been reached to divorce, people often think it will be relatively plain sailing thereafter. Often this is a belief supported by those around and close to you, if they have not been through divorce themselves. However, as the person divorcing or being divorced, you will likely feel far from resolved on the issue. Certainly I have felt a whole range of emotions, from upset, angry, confused, regretful, indecisive, isolated, empty to ambivalence (just not all at the same time thankfully).

An area that was positive about my divorce was that my soon-to-be ex-husband and I agreed wholeheartedly that we would walk away with an "amicable" divorce. To note, even amicable divorces contain anger, disappointment and all the mixed feelings I have mentioned above. Fortunately however, we maintained a tight grip on our bigger goal of getting ourselves out of it with our sanity (and our finances) intact.

Having married in Scotland, we decided to divorce in Scotland also, particularly given that couples can complete their divorce papers online as a "self-certified" procedure, providing both parties are in agreement to division of property, etc. And so, 7 years after we tied the knot, we travelled back to Scotland (together) to have our divorce notarised, a formality that we both needed to be present for. Our meeting with the solicitor was an eye-opener for a start, and if my ex and I were in agreement about one thing it was that solicitors do not like couples taking the self-certified divorce option. There was a lot of probing from our solicitor about whether we should really be walking away from each other without making any further financial claim; moderate pressure for each of us taking a separate solicitor and seeking more advice before going down this route; and not simply doing as we had instructed him to do, which was to notarise the damn thing! We walked out of the office together with a mixture of relief (that we had escaped a shark attack - in terms of the solicitor doing his best to turn an amicable formality into a revenue spinner for the Scottish legal system) and anger, but not towards each other, rather towards him. OK, in honesty we had always been a bit conflict avoidant and so it is too easy to begin scapegoating the hungry-for-work solicitor instead. However, if ever we were going to bond, it was over our agreement that we had narrowly missed our formality of a divorce being turned into a disaster area.

When it's all been said and done, divorce is not just a formality and rarely is as simple as "amicable". Both parties can be satisfied with the outcome, but there are always going to be a host of emotions to contend with, for both parties. The lawyers have a part to play, and thankfully in my case, they took only the most minor of roles. Often the legal process clouds emotions for a while, and for some it may even provide something else to channel their emotions into. Some individuals might focus so much on the legal and financial aspects of divorce, that the emotional problems do not hit them until after the divorce is final. Finally however, the emotions must emerge and they will. Avoiding them by scapegoating, by keeping busy or by remaining angry will simply delay the processing of the others that are to follow. I have worked with some clients who have found that the process began to define them afterwards; that they were carrying the stories of their terrible divorce / marriage along with them, virtually unable to let it go. Divorce involves grieving, and grieving is a process. It helps to get through the grieving process by expecting to go through the stages listed below (as discussed by Melvin Belli and Mel Krantzler in their book, Divorcing):

The Divorce Recovery Process

Denial/Anger: the first stage. Even the most rational of individuals can act in irrational and unpredictable ways. At this stage it is hard to accept that the marriage is over, or there may simply be total blame towards your ex for the failure of your marriage. There may also be physical symptoms of emotional upset, such as loss of appetite or excessive eating; nausea; indigestion; headaches; poorer quality of sleep; and muscular aches and pains. These physical symptoms are normal, but if they persist, consulting a doctor or therapist for treatment will provide considerable relief.

Depression: the symptoms of depression include some of the physical problems listed above, but they also include a lack of energy, difficulty completing simple tasks, a fear of being alone or a lack of desire to be with others at all, low self-worth, frequent crying, or frequent and overwhelming feelings of sadness, despair and even fear. These feelings, too, are normal. If they persist however, try to seek out professional help.

Withdrawal: this is the third stage in the divorce recovery process. Accepting the reality of the divorce takes time and you will likely find yourself feeling more isolated and possibly withdrawing even further also. Having difficulty establishing a new parenting routine can also be difficult, especially if you are no longer in daily contact with your children, as you once were. Feelings of loneliness are extremely common. Filling that space with new and healthy activities is the best way to move forwards. These might include new or existing hobbies, exercising, or spending more time with other loved ones and friends. Try to remain as active as possible so that the isolation does not become a long-term state. This is the stage where it is most tempting to withdraw from those who care about you, or even find reasons to be angry with them instead. Being aware that you are at your least tolerant and that this is more part of your grieving process rather than their actions, can help put things back into perspective and keep these valuable friendships going. Certainly I had far less tolerance for the more challenging people in my life; they still expected the same level of understanding but I found I just couldn't give it.

Recovery: Eventually you'll no longer feel the same acute pain, denial, depression, or isolation that you once did. At this stage you will feel healthy and satisfied again as a single individual. You will have established a new routine that works for you, and you will have healthy relationships with others. You will be much more open to dating again. You will be well on your way to recovery.

Timeframe for recovery: 2 years is the timeframe most commonly quoted, however if there has been prolonged anger, denial or preoccupation with the legal and financial part, then this will likely take longer. It will likely be shorter if you have been grieving while still in the marriage, living in separate parts of the house, for example. Having gone through divorce myself, I'd say that I have flitted back and forth through the stages, at times feeling relieved, only to then feel angry, isolated or sad once more. This thankfully is all normal and in most instances time is the healer!
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Being Patient

2009-06-29T19:45:00.008+01:00
Last week I was lucky enough to share a flight with a practicing Buddhist on her way to a Buddhist retreat in London. After talking throughout our flight she sent me a book produced by her Buddhism Centre, called the 16 Guidelines for Life. Last week I wrote about how the worst of times can lead to the best of times, if we manage to ride the wave of immediate crisis. This blog carries forward the idea of dealing with crises with patience and less fear, taking the lead from her chapter on Patience.

"Patience starts with each one of us. Imagine never getting irritated or angry again. Of not feeling your buttons pushed and your mind going dark and closed. Never again feeling your body tense up, your fists clench and your face contort. Or not obsessing in the middle of the night about what someone did or didn't say...

..Often we learn the most from uncomfortable situations, providing we are willing to stay the course. It takes a special kind of patience to allow events to come to maturity and to be fulfilled. To be open to the unexpected outcome, rather than the one we might originally have pushed for...

.. The real work of patience happens in the quiet moments when we have removed ourselves from the person or the situation that upsets us; when it's possible to take a deep breath and let go of tangled feelings; when we can find the space and honesty to admit that we may have acted unskilfully ourselves.

An eighth century Indian teacher called Shantideva commented that since there will always be things that irritate and annoy us, it's better to cover our own feet with leather rather than attempt to make the whole world smooth and comfortable for ourselves...

.. To expect life to go smoothly is to miss the point."

"Do you have patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?" - Lao Tzu, China

Thanks to Marian who so kindly sent me this book (extracted from 16 Guidelines for Life: The Basics, Alison Murdoch & Deyki-Lee Oldershaw).
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Top Ten Tips to Problem Solving

2009-06-05T07:20:00.017+01:00
So you come home, you find the house is a mess, the kids plates are stacked in the sink and their clothes still on the bathroom floor. Your beloved spouse is sitting in front of the TV extremely pleased with the fact he has coped with the feeding, bathing and bedding routine on his own. You, on the other hand, are feeling less than impressed and you can feel your temperature rising! Although this example is quite specific, problems in relationships arise more commonly from the more mundane differences than from the extraordinary. Most relationships come to an end more due to an inability to resolve differences relating to money, tidiness and organisation than to infidelity or a major life-changing event. We are taught many things in school, university and at work, but not it seems, how to solve our relational problems (we all have them!). So, with this in mind, here is a run down of my top ten tips for getting problems solved.

Top Ten Tips

1. Manage your emotional state: easy!! Ok, in reality this is not so easy. We've all been that tired person coming home to find things exactly how we don't want to find them, or our partner's not as we would like he/she to be! Managing your emotional state means being able to alter how you are thinking, particularly at times when you are especially vulnerable to being emotional. Knowing when these times are likely to be is your first step, for example, "OK, I slept badly last night, the dishes haven't been done again, but I'm not going to sort it out now. I'm going to wait until I feel more rested". Being able to then do some deep breathing, shoulder relaxation, other methods of being more physically relaxed will also help you in unwinding first. The golden rule, where you are feeling emotionally vulnerable, is that this is NOT the time to start problem solving - do whatever it takes to get yourself into a calmer and more centred state first. When we are emotionally charged, we lose our ability to problem-solve (after a certain level of stress, the logical reasoning part of our brain physically shuts down and we are left in "fight or flight" mode). If your partner's emotionally charged, then this isn't the right time either. Planning a better time to talk, but leaving things until then is the best course of action.

2. Listen, listen and listen (that's 3 top tips!). As my mother used to say, we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. If you are unhappy with how things are, it is likely that your spouse or partner is feeling some of the strain also. Find out what's going on with them first. How do they see the problem? What's going on in their life right now? If there is downright denial or dismissal of any problem then (all-the-while managing your emotional state!), this is the time to clearly explain the problem from your perspective, including the impact it is having on you. A problem shared is a problem-halved.

3. Explain your perspective in a non-blaming way: avoid "you make me feel..", "I get angry and it's all your fault", etc. statements. We are all responsible for our emotions and our actions - they arise due to how we are perceiving the situation. Otherwise, everyone would be in agreement about what is annoying, upsetting, etc. (life would be simpler .. although perhaps not so interesting!). So take responsibility for how you feel by making "I statements", by saying "I feel .." about whatever you perceive the problem to be.

4. Avoid being judgemental: "You're so lazy"; "You're too messy"; "You're such a waster", for example will not put your partner in a particularly conciliatory mood! "I" statements such as "I am struggling to relax in a messy house"; "I am struggling to cope"; "I am feeling overwhelmed"; "I feel as though I'm doing more than my fair share", etc. gives a greater possibility of opening up the lines of communication.

5. Avoid over-generalising and making "all-or-nothing" statements: "You're always in front of the TV"; "You never pick up your socks", "You're always the first to sit down", "you're totally forgetful", etc. Do not over-generalise about your partner - yes they may have problems in maintaining order in the house, however remind yourself of the things they are doing e.g. putting out the garbage, walking the dog, doing the gardening, washing the car, being a good parent, good at fixing shelves, good in a crisis, etc. Whatever it is, make a mental list of those things before embarking upon the conversation. You will achieve far more balance in your own perspective of who your partner is.

6. Be specific: what is wrong and what would you like to be done differently? Remember to stick to the current events and do not cast up every misdemeanor from the past. Being specific means you can use similar past events but stick to the issue at hand. If it's about having a tidier house, then stick to that and don't embark upon reminding your partner how upset you were when they were late last week!

7. Be assertive: this means not being aggressive, nor passive. Being assertive means being able to clearly state the problem, in a supportive and non-judgemental way and being realistic about what can improve. Leave the solutions up to the other party as much as possible. Keep the discussion on track and on topic until a solution has been found. Avoid minimising or magnifying the problem.

8. Start with your bigger relationship goal in mind, that of being happy together: you are on the same side, you want to be together, you are each other's support first and foremost, not judge and jury. What sort of communication needs to happen for your relationship to be nourished rather than depleted?

9. Be mindful and positive: remind yourself of all the times your relationship has prevailed over adversity, of the benefits to being in this relationship. Thinking positive thoughts will put you into a more relaxed state, thinking negative thoughts will put you into a more combative and less tolerant state.

10. Be flexible and open to alternatives: your partner may never be the tidiest person to live with, however he / she may have ideas on how to compensate for this. Through playing to their strengths they can own up to hating housework, doing the dishes, or emptying the garbage for example. However, if they can free up time for you by doing something more in keeping with their own strengths then perhaps you can accept the times that this is not done to your satisfaction. Finding alternatives and having choices in life is the best way for relationships to continue to flourish.

For all these to be useful and possible, we need to be empathic in our close relationships. What's going on with your partner as well as you? Knowing how each of you feels in general often allows you to cut each other some slack. So check in with each other regularly, when there are no problems, and then if a problem arises you can deal with it in the context of whatever else is happening, emotionally or practically.
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Seeking cohesion at all costs

2009-05-30T10:34:00.014+01:00
In my last posting I wrote about the pitfalls of group cohesion, including the risks of groupthink. This post is looking at what happens in our intimate or personal relationships when we attempt to keep agreement there, at all costs.

The key point I would like to make is about the merits of arguments and disagreements. I can think of plenty of occasions where I have heard the words "we get on so well, we never argue!", usually in fairly new relationships. Of course, when I hear this I begin to wonder whether there will be a gradual erosion of one of the party's identity if that continues or even whether there is an underlying aversion to conflict. For relationships to thrive as well as survive, conflict must be permissible, coupled with the skills to then sort out an acceptable solution of course. The healthiest relationships are those who think "we get on so well, it's ok to disagree".

A reluctance to permit disagreement can stem from a number of problems, some of the ones which perpetuate conflict-avoidance being:

1. One or both parties holding an aversion to arguing, perhaps being guided by the underlying unhelpful belief "it's better to keep quiet and keep the peace". Perhaps this was learned from parents who themselves reacted to every little problem with difficulty, either by avoidance or aggression. Mirroring parents' own problematic behaviour or over-compensating by doing the converse are opposite sides of the same coin.

2. Where disagreement occurs it is coupled with anxiety, anger, shouting, stress, tears, and so on, making it virtually impossible to find acceptable solutions.

3. If disagreement is incurred, one party feels threatened, must be right at all costs, incurring learned helplessness in the other or "tit-for-tat" battling.

4. A lack of self-confidence that one has the skills to find mutually acceptable solutions. I have frequently heard one party say things like "it's no use, he/she talks rings around me and afterwards I just feel worse".

5. A fear of abandonment, typical thoughts being "if I assert my wishes, then he/she will leave me; stop loving me; think less of me; our relationship will be over; we will no longer be soulmates; etc."

6. Disengagement and apathy. The thinking here might be along the lines of "it doesn't matter what I want, nothing ever changes; I don't know what I want anymore; what I want doesn't matter; it is more important that everyone else is happy". The most usual emotional reaction here is depression.

Of course the reality is in fact, if you cannot permit disagreement then your relationship cannot grow and be a mutually fulfilling and happy one. More destructive, "secondary" problems usually emerge.

At the opposite end of the spectrum there are of course major problems where relationships are based upon constant disagreements, usually due to unequal power sharing or continual power-struggles. In these relationships there is often one party who has "final say", creating an unhealthy and extremely volatile equilibrium point. The power might be attributed to whomever is earning the most money, or to the one who shouts the loudest, cries the hardest, etc. One of my guilty pleasures on television has been watching the Katie Price (a.k.a glamour model Jordan) and Peter Andre reality show (from time to time). It makes interesting viewing from a relationship therapist's perspective, because if ever there was a couple who have an impoverished ability to consider the impact of their words and actions on each other's feelings, it appears to be them. The power-sharing battles seemed to peak just prior to their announced split, evidenced by the words calmly uttered by Katie Price, along the lines of "I earn most of the money, why can't I have it how I want it?". At this point, Peter Andre lost control of his composure, resorted to name calling his wife and being hustled away from her by all the people they surround themselves with. The intimacy between them is grossly threatened already with cameras and staff ever-present, the extremely blurred lines between what is surely for entertainment and what is real, and now the seeming very real power-struggle regarding whomever earns the most money gets to have final say. Extremely poor intimacy-building, emotional control and problem-solving skills coupled with sacrificing emotional privacy have all eroded the love that must have been there between them at one time. What is being demonstrated very clearly is negative tit-for-tat interactions, pushing them into a pretty irreversible, downward spiral of negative exchanges. Without the skills to take a deep breath and calm down, to find solutions and press pause upon one's own overwhelming need to take charge, relationships like these do not recover. It helps if one party is able to guide the other, however in this (extreme) example, neither party have particularly good skills nor, it seems, the realisation that there is a different way to behave.

I currently run relationship-building group work, both in France and London (Harley St and Chiswick). Together, as part of a supportive and confidential group, and guided by me, individuals have the opportunity to learn these powerful life skills as well as uncover some of the unconscious patterns that threaten healthy, happy relationships. More intensive weekend workshops in France will continue later on in the year.
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Accepting Differences

2009-05-14T14:14:00.014+01:00
Being different is all part of being human and makes life the rich tapestry that it is rather than a pretty dull monochromatic print. In our relationships, be they at work or at home, it is fundamentally important that we learn how to accept differences, as just that. Different is how it is, not good, not bad, just different. From here we can find better solutions, rather than shoe-horning each other or events into any one agenda. This week's blog is looking more at the organisational effects of not accepting differences however.

So what if you work with someone who finds it hard to accept differences or even in an organisation where conformity is a strongly held value? This is a fairly typical symptom of teams which are stuck and in organisations not performing particularly well. One important dimension of a healthy team and organisation is its ability to invite and incorporate differences of opinion, different perspectives and disagreement even, in order to achieve balanced decision-making. Not any one person can possibly anticipate all eventualities, however where challenge or objection is not permitted, then the decision-making becomes stunted and the group extremely vulnerable to being left behind in the marketplace, to losing good staff members or even to catastrophic events. There are many good examples of how this lack of open challenge has contributed to some unfortunate events, including disasters. The Space Shuttle Challenger disaster, for example, occurred on January 28, 1986, when the US Space Shuttle Challenger broke apart 73 seconds into its flight, leading to the deaths of its seven crew members, including the civilian female teacher, Christa McAuliffe. The disaster resulted in a 32-month hiatus in the shuttle program and the formation of the Rogers Commission, a special commission appointed by US President Ronald Reagan to investigate the accident. The Rogers Commission found that NASA's organisational culture and decision-making processes had been a key contributing factor to the accident.

To cut a long story short, NASA managers had known since 1977 that engineering contractor Morton Thiokol's design of the SRBs contained a potentially catastrophic flaw in the O-rings, but failed to address it adequately. They also disregarded warnings from engineers about the dangers of launching on such a cold day and had failed to adequately report these technical concerns to their superiors. This could be explained as a certain arrogance attached to holding more influential positions in the hierarchy and eliminating voices from down below (and external to NASA) or it could even be attributed to flawed decision-making processes. The report mentioned here made a much more general observation, that it was the culture of the organisation to make these "top-down" and closed decisions, irrespective of plenty of evidence being supplied to the contrary.

An entire area of psychology has been devoted to studying this phenomena of "filtering out" by the group the inconvenient truths or differences of opinion and has been called "Groupthink". Groupthink is a type of thought exhibited by group members who try to minimise conflict and reach consensus by shutting down or simply not inviting critical testing, analysing, and evaluating of all ideas. Individual creativity, uniqueness, and independent thinking are lost in the pursuit of group cohesiveness, as are the advantages of reasonable balance in choice and thought that might normally be obtained by making decisions as a group. Irving Janis, the researcher who coined the term, provides seven pointers on how organisations can overcome the natural but potentially limiting or fatal tendencies for groups to seek agreement:

1. Leaders should assign each member the role of “critical evaluator”. This allows each member to freely air objections and doubts.

2. Higher-ups should not express an opinion when assigning a task to a group.

3. The organisation should set up several independent groups, working on the same problem.

4. All effective alternatives should be examined.

5. Each member should discuss the group's ideas with trusted people outside of the group.

6. The group should invite outside experts into meetings. Group members should be allowed to discuss with and question the outside experts.

7. At least one group member should be assigned the role of Devil's advocate. This should be a different person for each meeting.

By following these guidelines, the risk of groupthink can be minimised. After the Bay of Pigs invasion fiasco, John F. Kennedy sought to avoid groupthink during the Cuban Missile Crisis. During meetings, he invited outside experts to share their viewpoints, and allowed group members to question them carefully. He also encouraged group members to discuss possible solutions with trusted members within their separate departments, and he even divided the group up into various sub-groups, to partially break the group cohesion. JFK was deliberately absent from the meetings, so as to avoid pressing his own opinion. Ultimately, the Cuban missile crisis was resolved peacefully, thanks in part to these measures. (this example has been extracted from Wikipedia).

Clearly in organisational settings, we are all vulnerable to groupthink, a point that continues to be demonstrated to this day in groups and organisations across the world, including some of those I have worked with.

I haven't discussed how seeking cohesion at all costs affects intimate relationships but clearly there is a downside here, where cohesion is more important than solving real problems. I will try to write more about this in next week's blog.

Here are a few references on the effects of groupthink on organisational decision-making, including what sorts of environments make groups particularly vulnerable:

McCauley, Clark. "The Nature of Social Influence in Groupthink: Compliance and Internalization." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Vol. 57-2 (1989). 250-260.

Schafer, M. and Crichlow, S. (1996). Antecedents of groupthink: a quantitative study. The Journal of Conflict Resolution, Vol. 40, No. 3 (Sep., 1996), pp. 415-435.

Vaughan, Diane. The Challenger Launch Decision: Risky Technology, Culture, and Deviance at NASA. Chicago. University of and Chicago Press, 1996.
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Living the Good Life

2009-05-11T14:20:00.012+01:00
I am reading the Martin Seligman (PhD) book, "Authentic Happiness" and as I am struggling to find time for blogging right now, I'll pick up on his point for this week's blog, on how we can all live the good life, where we know what that means to us.

Seligman observes that living the "good life" is not necessarily drinking Champagne and driving a Porsche .. (although I might like to discover that for myself!). However, living the good life, according to Seligman, involves finding out what your strengths are in the key areas of your life, those areas that matter most, such as raising children, holding on to love and enjoying work for example, and living a life that draws much more upon these strengths in those areas. He says "the good life is using your signature strengths every day to produce authentic happiness and abundant gratification. This is something you can learn to do in each of the main realms of your life.." (p.13)

Seligman points out that his strength is in teaching and so he gets immense satisfaction from teaching a complex subject to his students or even his eight year old on the rules of playing Bridge. He notices how he feels invigorated when doing this. He also notices how he feels when doing things that are not particular strengths of his, when organising people for example. This is something that he has been mentored in and now considers himself to be adequate at however afterwards he will usually feel drained, not invigorated. I must agree that when I write something well or design and deliver a training workshop that I feel energised, happy, and I literally glow when I see or hear of others enjoying it or benefitting from it. This act of creativity is one of my signature strengths and is important both in how I spend my leisure time as well as in my working life. However, if I were asked to design spreadsheets, work with numbers and not with people, simply disseminating information and reports for example, then I know that I would feel drained and disenchanted extremely quickly! I am much more of a people person and I like interacting with others much more than when dealing with numbers or simple facts and so it's interesting to notice how differently I feel when working in either domain. It's also useful knowledge if I wish to create more opportunities for me to live my own "good life".

Here is a practical exercise to uncover what some of your "signature strengths" are:

- think of a time at both work and at home where you felt particularly energised or just didn't want to stop what you were doing until you'd finished it to your satisfaction. If it makes it simpler write them down as two separate examples, one for work and one for home. Now write down under this how you felt at the time - fulfilled, energised, excited, happy, satisfied, etc. In doing this for both examples, what do you notice are similar to both examples? The feelings? The level of interaction, or lack thereof, with others? The impact this had on you or others? Achieving a goal or getting recognition? For Seligman, it is his love of lifelong learning and sharing this with others. For me too it is in sharing this learning, especially in passing on positive feelings and experiences to others (spreading a good virus if you like!).

Knowing how you feel can help you channel your efforts into more activities that are likely to give you more of these desirable feelings and this becomes a positively self-reinforcing activity. As a secondary exercise, you can also consider times when you felt exhausted, drained, unhappy, bitter or cynical and consider what it was that contributed to that. There will be common themes there too, useful in noticing what they are in order to direct you from aiming for jobs and environments that do not play to your strengths. This helps you to recognise and so avoid where you are creating negatively self-reinforcing activities. For those who find themselves repeating undesirable patterns, try to think about what is the "secondary gain" to you within these undesirable experiences. What is the positively reinforcing element within the negative cycle e.g. people pleasing at your own expense, an unwillingness to say no, a need to be needed, a reluctance to break out of old perceptions about what it is to be a man or woman, etc.?

As Seligman rightly puts it "Authentic happiness derives from raising the bar for yourself, not rating yourself against others". As any professional athlete or sportsman knows, measuring performance for raising the bar of one's own performance is only useful where one's own personal best is used as the measure or bar. If your son is an amateur-level football player, it is far more useful to measure his progress against his own personal best rather than David Beckham's!

If you wish to see how you rate against others in relation to happniness however you can take the Fordyce Emotion's Questionnaire, at Seligman's site:

http://www.authentichappiness.org/
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Once we were 2 and now we are 3 (4 or 5)!

2009-04-30T18:40:00.047+01:00
This week's blog is a special request from a very good friend who, in a relatively short space of time, has grown her family from being two to being the parents of two gorgeous girls. Becoming a new parent can be the most wonderful experience in the world, but also tiring and stressful.

Needless to say, with the arrival of a new baby, there suddenly seems to be endless rounds of cleaning, feeding, changing, bathing, interrupted sleep and demands from this little addition. Need I say more?! So this blog provides a few of the likely pitfalls and how an intimate relationship can manage some of these very natural challenges. Here are some of the typical top challenges and what couples can do about them (no inputs so far from my friend, so interested in her thoughts!):

1. Physical changes: one important aspect of pregnancy is that a woman hands over control of her body and all that this entails. A few extra pounds, the bags under the eyes turning into suitcases, along with struggling to juggle caring for the new bundle, and women can be left feeling low, not just from the hormones of baby blues, but from a temporary loss in self-confidence and feeling less physically attractive.

2. Family involvement: with a new baby, the house can become over-run with visitors, family members, friends and their well-intentioned advice. Scheduled regular visits to see the little one as well as unscheduled drop-ins can turn what was once a haven to retreat to into a waiting room for visitors, all with their own ideas and stories about rearing children.

3. Along with the physical changes come the added tasks to be done. With typical sleep deprivation in the early months, unless there has been some good negotiation on division of tasks beforehand, sharing these can become an area prone to petty, but damaging disputes. Daily household tasks can become more of an ordeal with the added burden of lack of sleep and loss of concentration.

4. Differences of opinion about raising children become evident. When the little one cries for example, one may be quick to pick up whereas the other may prefer to leave the baby for a while.
5. Feelings of jealousy can be quite unexpected but true. Mums or Dads may feel some resentment about sharing attention with the new bundle, or even about not getting to spend as much time with the new addition, due to work commitments.
6. Some Mums may find it hard to adjust to their changed status, that of being both a mother and a sexual woman. Over-compensating in mothering and not enough in the sexual part of their relationship can rob the relationship of phsical enjoyment for a period of time. The sexual part of the relationship provides important stress relief and an intimate connection between couples. Research indicates that although a healthy sex-life does not significantly increase a couples satisfaction in their relationship, where it does not exist to either party's satisfaction, it quickly becomes an important dissatisfier.
7. Feelings of guilt due to not being good enough. This one is so common that it should be a given. With virtually all new parents come the worries about whether they are doing the right thing, giving enough, giving too much, handling their role properly, managing their relationship together properly, and so on.
8. With a new baby, one's ability to just nip out to the shops or to meet up with friends is seriously curtailed. A sense of isolation or loneliness, from time to time, is to be expected.
So what can a couple do about this? As ever with healthy relationships, approaching the problems from a position of togetherness, with a realistic sense of humour but sharing the problems of feeding, cleaning, caring for and sleeping, will all take the pressure off you both as new parents.
Negative emotions of guilt, shame, anger, jealousy and frustration are all intimacy-blockers and rob couples of the energy needed for problem-solving the real issues with a clear head. Accepting one's own fallibility (no-one's perfect) and lowering unrealistically high expectations can quickly take a lot of pressure off. For some, practicing a mantra of "I am doing my best and that is good enough", "everyone makes mistakes from time to time and it isn't catastrophic", "I might not feel like it right now, but I can cope", "I need time out / help and I can ask for it / it's ok to ask for it", and so on. Recognising negative emotion early however is something that might not come naturally or easily, particularly during the early months, and so organising time-outs, prioritising time together as a couple, enjoying each other's company and practicing relaxation techniques to physically and emotionally destress will all work wonders. Yoga, mindfulness techniques and cognitive behaviour therapy or counselling are all geared towards managing and adjusting negative emotions.
Recognise early the "trouble spots" in your relationship and make time to sit down to talk about them. Make sure that this is not when you are pre-occupied in the tasks of feeding and cleaning, with 100 decibel crying in the background! Whether it is about cleaning up or doing the weekly shop, these can be resolved more effectively with quiet discussion and a sense of humour, rather than when stress levels of the entire family are peaking.
Remember to practice seeing things from the other's point of view. For example, new Dad may think that because he's at work all day, it makes sense for Mum to take care of the baby most of the time, even when he's home. But she may view this as Dad keeping himself apart from her and the baby, just when she needs him most. Alternatively, Mum establishing a routine that results in Dad feeling excluded, can also create tension. Sitting down and sharing how each of you see things, in an appreciative way, will help you both to more quickly understand and meet each other's new needs in this regard. Avoid minimising or dismissing the other's needs. We each need to feel understood in order to be prepared to negotiate and compromise.
Avoid over-generalising on problems emerging. For example, "you're always late" needs to be specific about the event in question, "when you were late yesterday, dinner was cold". Casting up past offences is also to be avoided at all costs. If arguing occurs in front of an older child or toddler (which it will!), make sure you make up in front of them too, so that they learn that problems do occur, but they are also resolved.
Feeling overwhelmed with the increasing demands and challenges is normal! Whenever feelings of inadequacy, panic or loss of control emerge, it can feel frightening, this sense of being overwhelmed. Normalising these feelings goes a big way to putting the problems back into perspective. At a time when hormones are all over the shop, this can be hard to do for a new Mum, and so sharing these feelings with a good supportive friend or family member, asking for help, and simply accepting that these feelings will adjust over time, can all go a long way to minimising the impact of thinking "I can't cope", "I'm losing control" or "I am a terrible parent". Remember that these are typical but also likely distorted and stess-inducing ways of thinking that can be quickly adjusted if you practice becoming mindful of them.
If you are finding people dropping in unexpectedly is disruptive or is simply too regular, then practice assertively managing a routine that allows others the access to the little one that they would like, but on your terms more than theirs! This might not go perfectly, but will get easier over time.
Recognising what matters most to you both allows you to sacrifice certain chores such as making the bed or doing the dusting, if you find that you simply do not have the time or energy! This includes having a willingness to be flexible and to compromise. If one finds they can't be home to do the bath and bed routine as expected, the other can step in to help out, with the understanding that this will be reciprocated. Doing this flexibly, supportively, caring for each other as well as the baby, and with compromise, will diffuse potential relationship "trouble spots". Above all else, keep the praise coming for all the things that are going well!
Finally, the physical changes can result in a longer-term change in the sexual part of a relationship, if unaddressed. Fathers can begin to feel unwelcome in the bedroom if rebuffed and mothers as though this is another chore to be accomplished. Additionally, if the father has not had a good experience during the delivery of their child then this may have created a reluctance on his part to re-establish physical intimacy in the bedroom, for a period after the birth. Sexual excitement develops much more outside of the bedroom than within it. Re-establishing this takes time for most couples and going back to reconnecting in a loving but non-sexual way, with regular touching, without expecting anything further, creates a more relaxed approach and allows the excitement to develop again. Time spent as just the two of you is important. Research indicates that this is more effective when regular, preferably daily and not necessarily as a "date-night" special. Having chores that are done together, such as the gardening, shopping or cooking a meal, provide time to share and chat. Date nights are useful however for reminding each other that although certain parts of your lifestyle have changed, it is still possible to do most of the things that you did before baby's arrival!
A permanent state of bliss in any relationship is a utopia but ups and downs can be upsetting, particularly at a time when we are tired, emotional and hormonal anyway. I hope this blog gives you some ideas and handy hints but doesn't suggest that if you don't succeed that you have failed, or your relationship is failing. Problems are natural so try to go with the flow with the small ones, but don't stress about it too much if you don't!
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Reciprocity

2009-04-24T14:58:00.011+01:00
When we find ourselves in very similar situations but with different people, this is a good indication that we are being reciprocal in (and somehow contributing to) whatever is happening. In some way, this situation is being maintained by us. Since the early groundbreaking work on reciprocity (Gouldner, 1960; Homans, 1958; Levi-Strauss, 1957; Malinowski, 1922; Simmel, 1950) many studies have examined reciprocity, demonstrating reciprocity in relationship development and maintenance. Its importance to all human interactions is a “vital principle of society” (Thurnwald, 1932: 106).

This can be difficult to accept when relationships are not going so well however in examining this we gain back more control, we reduce our stress and so we are able to better problem-solve rather than remaining in limbo. Often when someone is in an unsatisfactory relationship, friends and family can be heard wondering aloud about why doesn't he just leave or sort out the problems? This person is likely engaged in collusive reciprocity, whereby the buy-in is simply through staying put, through putting up and shutting up. Collusive reciprocity such as this usually comes from being unassertive. The collusion is in avoiding or submerging a problem in the relationship, with an overwhelming desire to keep the peace, for example. Equally, not acknowledging the extent of your anxieties relating to a relationship problem could be considered as being reciprocally colluding. This is not however the same as accepting rationally that important differences exist, nor in ignoring minor negative events or behaviour.

How does one recognise colluding reciprocity? It is usually down to the individual being aware of feeling persistent flashes of anxiety about a recurring problem, but there never seeming to be "the right time" to address it or being closed down by their partner. Equally, making statements such as "I do it to keep the peace"; "there's no point in saying anything because he/she won't listen anyway"; and a general attitude of helplessness or powerlessness are key signs. There are however opportunities to improve one's situation through facing up to where one is caught in colluding reciprocally. Not a guaranteed change in your partner's behaviour however, but ways to improve how you feel about the situation, reducing the anxiety and helplessness and an exploration of problem-solving strategies. This certainly minimises the problem in the longer-term and increases the chances one hundred-fold of changing the outcomes in the longer term. With someone highly unassertive, this usually requires short-term professional counselling for improved self-esteem, assertiveness and communication, with support, understanding and guidance from family and friends. A common problem for a person suffering in this sort of unhappy situation however can be isolation due to a general withdrawal of friends and family over time, sharing in the helpless attitude of the long-suffering party, and therefore disengagement i.e. "there's nothing we can do either if she/he chooses to just stay, put up with it, etc." Again this reduces the problem-solving capability and the self-esteem of the person even further.

There is of course healthy reciprocity in relationships and I call this cooperative reciprocity. This is assertive with respect between the individuals permitting compromise, give and take and negotiation. The reciprocity brings mutually satisfying solutions to the real problems. The healthiest reciprocity is whereby your partner's happiness and well-being is as important as your own, if not more so.

In reality, for most couples, there is a mix of some colluding and more cooperation. Skilled partners recognise the importance of maintaining goodwill and strive to create more opportunities for it to exist, and allow minor differences or problems to exist without this threatening the relationship. There are few things more satisfying for me than guiding individuals to creating more opportunities to create further goodwill and happiness in their relationships. Where our relationships go well, all is well in the world!
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Creating realistic expectations

2009-04-19T19:10:00.017+01:00
In a study of a range of people, some of whom suffered from depression (mild to severe) even mildly depressed undergraduates showed a stronger expectation in the likelihood of future negative events than non-depressed undergraduates (MacLeod & Cropley, 1995). In other words they had a stronger tendency to make negative future predictions. As a therapist, uncovering my client's expectations can provide valuable insight into what their negative expectations are and how these are contributing to or even maintaining their problem.

A very good friend of mine is also an extremely nervous driver. In fact, I had never realised this until fairly recently when we travelled together for a couple of hours, with her driving. I listened to how she spoke and responded each time a car approached from the rear and then overtook her. Her hands were fists, wrapped tightly around the steering wheel, her shoulders and neck were tense and and she made comments such as "oh god, he's far too close .. I wish they wouldn't come up so fast .. I always think they're going to run into the back of me .. etc.". These thoughts all revolved around predicting very negative outcomes. Over dinner afterwards she told me that she hadn't always had this reaction when driving however this problem had been growing, as other problems grew in her personal life. Her self-esteem had taken a knock, and one of the side-effects of this for her was an erosion in her confidence in her own ability to be safe whilst driving. We tested out balancing her negative predictions and on the way back the next day, she agreed to test out more balanced (and realistic) predictions! Although not magically cured it was enough for her to notice improvement and she felt that she was able to drive more competently the next time and practice some more.

During the study I mention above, the future negative events being predicted also included feeling rejected, feeling inferior, finding oneself rather irritated, people getting annoyed with you, people acting hostiley toward you, not handling problems effectively, being a disappointment, not measuring up, making an important mistake, and so on. In another study, depressed subjects were more likely to minimise the gains to be had of taking the risk of approaching new social situations and more likely to magnify the risks and the downside (Pietromonaco & Rook, 1987).

An effective means of countering this, as well as improving someone's mood, can be as simple as engaging them in the following exercise:

Find out what this person's expectations are relating to the thing that they dislike, fear or avoid doing (preferably something that were they to improve at it, it would surely have a positive impact on their life). To illustrate this, here's another example: one of my clients avoided social situations due to their self-proclaimed chronic and "natural shyness" resulting in a dislike of meeting new people, yet he desperately wanted to meet his ideal mate (an unfortunate catch 22 situation). We agreed that in order to increase his chances, he would need to begin tackling new social situatons with renewed vigour. I discovered that his expectations of doing this were expressed in very negative terms, such as "I don't like most people", "most people don't like me", "I will feel like a spare part", "I just feel too awkward", "I will make a fool of myself", "I can't seem to find anything to talk about", "most people are boring", and "I'll end up feeling worse than I do now". We agreed that not only are these expectations negative, but that they are faulty too. We worked together on each one, listing first the faulty expectation and then writing down a possible more realistic (and optimistic) one. Here's some to get you started:

Faulty expectation for not being more outgoing: "I am simply an introvert"

More realistic expectation: "Though like many people I am more introverted than extraverted, I've managed to meet people before in new situations and have made some good friends through this".

Faulty expectation for not being more outgoing: It's all my fault if someone new doesn't like me.

More realistic expectation: Ican't please everyone - no-one can - but it's true that when I feel good about myself, I am more relaxed and this comes across.
Faulty expectation for not being more outgoing: I've tried this before and it didn't work.
More realistic expectation: the past is not necessarily a guide for the future. My shyness is not a problem in all situations, in all areas of my life, and need not last forever (it can be viewed as a phase). I have learned many new skills and through trial and error I can improve at this too.
Being able to reality-test these in a fairly small and safe way is the next step. Breaking down the task of meeting new people into the small steps to be taken, rehearsing this in advance, as well as increasing one's vigilance to this negative self-talk and being prepared with some realistic ones to counter them with, is the next part of the process. Martin Seligman Ph.D. has written extensively about this subject from the perspective of positive psychology (I am reading his book on "Authentic Happiness" right now and I recommend it to anyone keen to develop themselves and overcome any self-limiting patterns). Together with my client above, we summarised his new thinking into a mantra that he could memorise until able to repeat it back to himself automatically, as follows:
"Though I have tried to improve before, my circumstances are different now, I understand better how I have been maintaining my isolation and shyness. I am already developing new and better skills at becoming more outgoing".
With support, care and love if this is affecting a loved one, chronic shyness can be overcome. This method is effective with a wide range of faulty expectations and can assist in many other areas of building relationships. During conflict resolution for example, one can always try to uncover and balance one's own faulty, negative predictions, in order to begin the process of establishing harmony once more!

This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Spring has sprung!

2009-04-01T12:19:00.020+01:00
"Nature often holds up a mirror so we can see more clearly the ongoing processes of growth, renewal and transformation in our lives" - Mary Ann Brussat

Well it is now officially spring-time! My birthday has just come and gone and I usually find myself reflecting moodily on the year just passed and the new one now beginning. The past year has been a good one though, bringing good people into my life, and new experiences building on old ones. I still commute back and forth to my spiritual home in France, where I am lucky enough to be surrounded by nature as well as the company of my 3 cats, 1 hedgehog, twenty frogs and some cheeky (and brave) birds.

Thinking about what it is I love about nature so much makes me think about how we are all connected to this side of living. A more intuitive and season-led way of living. While I am in London it is easy to forget this and at weekends I usually make sure I get into the great outdoors. Take my cats' adaptability, intuition as well as their patience for instance. They spend day after day, finding enjoyment and entertainment in the minutiae of changes (unfortunately killing some of it, although as Persians their killer instinct is barely there). They are patient about time passing and have no concept of achievement, status (other than the occasional squabble for the spot on the sofa), passing judgement nor their widening girths and greying hairs. Their company is so easy, with their friendly faces and their comfortable presence in the house. "Patience is the companion of wisdom" (Saint Augustine).

I live quite quietly, wandering around my garden and the vineyard beyond. Spring is the time to really appreciate the changes as new greenery begins to poke through and the dead wood from the year before quickly disappears (it birds don't carry it away for their nests then the locals make quick work of it in their wood-fired ovens). As my house and garden age, as well as needing a lick of varnish and a spot of weeding, they resonate with all the memories that I have collected in this place.

This is all quite apt at a time of year when I am so conscious of how quickly my years are speeding by!

"...Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand..." (Anne of Greengable’s much loved stuffed toy sums it up!)
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

To avoid repeating mistakes we must reinforce wisdom!

2009-03-30T00:08:00.010+01:00
"Money … can symbolize work, power, love won, or love denied. It can take the form of expensive homes, expensive clothes, expensive presents. Luxuries become necessities. Debt compensates for all shortcomings. "For people to admit they can't afford things they want means placing themselves in a position of weakness," says Dr. Edward J.Khantzian, associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. "They have to say no to themselves, and nobody likes that." - Time (October 1982)

Following on from my blog last week about our over-reliance on financial power, I'd like to redress the balance this week and give some examples of wisdom which have occurred during my lifetime. Last week I was feeling a little dark and didn't really give too optimistic a picture of human nature and its possibilities. However, believing in our capacity to act not just knowledgeably but wisely is a necessary step to behaving wisely in the future. So, in the spirit of visioning a better future, here are ten examples of true wisdom that I can think of that have occured in my lifetime:

1. Destroying the apartheid system (1991)

2. Breaking down the Berlin wall and the East:West German divide (1989)

3. Abolishing fox hunting as a blood sport in the UK (2004).

4. Closing down Guantanamo Bay & the US denouncing torture (2009).

5. N.Ireland and the UK agreeing to live side-by-side in peace (1998).

6. Cuba, an incredibly poor country, training some of the best doctors and donating a large number of them to caring for others in other third world countries.

7. Japan publicly apologising for many of their past war crimes (NB: the power of an apology can never be under-estimated. Research shows that receiving an apology has a noticeable, positive physical effect on the body. An apology affects the bodily functions of the person receiving it - blood pressure decreases, heart rate slows and breathing becomes steadier).

8. Women and other minorities are given the right to earn equal pay for equal work under EU legislation.

9. The Dalai Lama's 'middle way' policy demonstrates the power of inaction and peaceful protest. Is there another equivalent public figure today who represents so much with so little material resource?

10. Britain's defense of the right of all human beings to legal representation and protection against draconian policing with the active blocking of both a 90-day detention and the 42-day detention proposal by our Government (to allow terrorist suspects to be detained by police for up to 90 or 42 days before being charged ie formally told what law they are accused of breaking). Finally this measure was removed (blocked primarily by the extremely non-democratic House of Lords - furthering the argument to considering alternatives to our democracy as we know it today?).

"The truth is that Wall Street gamblers are one of the causes of our frequent business depressions." - Floyd W. Parsons, The Saturday Evening Post (October 1923). Since this episode we have witnessed 13 further recessions, not including our current one. What wise thoughts or deeds can come of this?
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Our Relationship With Power..

2009-03-24T10:22:00.033Z
..and Our Financial Institutions

Here are a few thoughts of my own on what has been happening to our society, particularly in the past couple of decades, particularly in relation to our financial well-being. Whenever we humans organise ourselves, power is a key dynamic, which can lead and develop wonderfully enlightened societies, but can also corrupt, deceive and manipulate the less informed members of the group. Financial power is possibly the most seductive and most highly prized currently in our 'first-world' cultures. There are of course alternative forms of power, including persuasion, humour, religion, fame, force and violence, social traditions (such as royalty), knowledge, etc. When it comes to our current banking crisis, it's clear to see what form of power has dominated. The question is HOW do we halt this craze of buying up 'investments' built on little more than distorted information and speculation? Clearly there has been and continues to be ample encouragement to continue doing this (in order for each of us to attain a little more security and so survival). Most people know this decision-making is based upon unreliable data at best and corrupt, distorted thinking at worst, in a very shady business environment. But no-one wants to stop it, not even our current Prime Minister .. WHY?

Contemporary thinking is that true power (with forceful coercion at one end of the scale and indirect influence at the other), requires reciprocity. In the instance of securing financial power, we have been 'reciprocal' in our economy's rapid crash & burn. But why did we all do it? Was it just a crazed greed, an almost group hysteria? I don't believe this is the main reason although I do think we have been in the grip of group-think, something I'll come on to in a minute. Firstly, let’s investigate the system and structures in place. Think of how we have been able to secure relief on our tax obligations, put reserves aside for old age (under the assumption that we are buying something of true value), living through the use of electronic money as well as credit. The government and the establishment (the power brokers of our time) have developed a system that makes it more difficult for people to live otherwise. How does one buy one’s home etc. if one does not have a credit rating? How does one safely retire if one does not have a pension? How does one hold down full-time employment as well as investigate the ethics, the security and validity of decisions being made on one's behalf financially (the services provided by brokers, fund managers etc.)? In the age of information we have never been so deprived of knowledge - or is it wisdom? It is here that the imbalance of power has developed (knowledge is an excellent source of power but how does it contradict with wisdom?).

Decisions can be made at lightning speed and in a matter of days, an individual dabbling in short-selling can go from being a simple “investor” to a bankrupted gambler. Banks can crash in a matter of weeks taking billions of our money with them. This is the system we have devised in our time, that is supposed to give us a measure of power and so assure our health, well-being and better survival. It has shown us now how it can also deliver the opposite. Good intentions are not nearly enough. Of huge concern is the way we rationalise and reason away the unknown factors regarding making financial decisions, which most people do without much question. This has been encouraged by the financial institutions, the media, many authority figures as well as our peers. The mental models, otherwise known as the belief systems, underpinning this system are that as a knowledge-based society, we operate best whereby we, the individual, do not need to know very much other than how to put his or her own skills to good use, where someone else with the 'knowledge' of the investment markets, will put their skills to good use on our behalf. An incredibly naive form of reciprocity as it turns out and demonstrates the impact of a deficit of true knowledge and more importantly wisdom. Even where true knowledge exists, there is often a deficit of wisdom where money is part of the equation. Look at decisions we continue to make about our wider environment, homelessness, starvation, benefitting from slave labour, human rights, good versus evil, our carbon footprint, and so on. Short-term financial well-being seems to dominate, particularly where we are ruled by the thinking that financial well-being equals more power.

When we trust in our financial institutions to do right by us, at least 2 erroneous assumptions being made:

1. All skills are equal

Not true! Where money is concerned, power becomes centralised where money is controlled and so those who manage our money automatically hold more power.

2. It is possible to procure reliable knowledge about an investment

Not true! The markets operate as highly chaotic, complex, interdependent and, as we have witnessed many times, corrupt and unstable systems. It is not possible to predict accurately what will happen given they are not directed simply by supply and demand forces.

How do we change our mental models (belief systems) of how a knowledge-based society can operate if we are to seek true wisdom, especially where financial power is concerned? Belief systems gain momentum (and hence power) as more people come to accept the particular views associated with that belief system as common knowledge (this is known as hegemony). Such belief systems define their figures of authority, such as Financial Directors and /or Politicians and consequently these direct the actions of the many. Within such a belief system, ideas form as to what is right and what is wrong, what is normal, acceptable as well as what is deviant. Within a particular belief system certain views, thoughts or actions become unthinkable as well as thinkable (read Foucault's philosophy of power, 'Discipline and Punish' to learn more). As a society we have followed these financial authority figures, believing, mistakenly it seems, that this will keep us safe. Delegating our financial decision-making to our financial institutions has done exactly what any philosopher of power would have predicted.

Authors such as Charles Handy (writer of "Understanding Organisations", etc.) make an important distinction between power and influence. Where power is money it becomes a highly unpredictable and potentially fatal 'moltov cocktail'. Should this be kept separate in order to direct and balance power in positive ways? What sort of society can we develop then; with what changes to our belief systems and authority figures; and how difficult is this change in reality? As the socialist writer, Upton Sinclair once said, "It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it". In our democratic election process today, money buys candidacy, votes and support for causes that are in the interests of certain influential power-brokers, rather than society at large. We have created quite the financial spider's web.

Sociologists talk of there needing to be a balance of power for relationships to work effectively. In structural sociological theory, power is an ongoing process of evolution and adaptation. Are we witnessing the time where the balance of power has become too unequal and with this, relationally, the system has destabilised and imploded? The bigger problem however is that we have developed a decision-making system with financial authority figures the ones with true power. They are the ones who created this system, and now they maintain it. With this system in place and because social systems are highly complex entities, society at large cannot easily change it, nor can those who created the dynamics in the first place. As can be seen now, this system is operating as any complex adaptive system would. It has become too unstable, too unpredictable and the cracks are appearing. HOW we as a society achieve a measure of equilibrium again will determine how many cycles of the same destabilisation we will see again in the future (we have seen a repeating pattern of destabilisation and recovery since The Great Depression in the early 20th Century). It is my belief that if we cannot change the dynamics of power within our society (and as such the belief systems that most people operate under), then this is not the last that that we will see of instability and harm to our planet. In Alvin Toffler's book 'Powershift', he argues that the third wave of power (the first wave being violence, the second being wealth) will be to shift power from being wealth to being knowledge. My observation is that even where knowledge is present, there is a huge deficit of wisdom due to this power imbalance - indeed too much knowledge leads to information overload and paralysis (Alvin Toffler recognises this too). How can we intelligently realise that many assumptions we make collectively about delegating our financial well-being to others 'more qualified' are flawed? Recognising flawed logic is something that our society has not yet become very skilled at. Our quest for a measure of power and so survival is delivering exactly what we do not want (flawed thinking usually creates a self-fulfilling prophecy eventually). As a society we handed over the mantle of power to the very people who created the problems in the first place, and now we are virtually unable to stop financial power brokers from continuing to make bad decisions to the detriment of our lives and our planet. Who could have predicted this? Many have. As a society we have the knowledge, but we still do not have the wisdom to do very much about it.

"We cannot solve problems by using the same thinking we used when we created them" - Einstein

"We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future" - George Bernard Shaw

"The function of wisdom is to discriminate between good and evil" - Cicero

"A man is wise with the wisdom of his time only, and ignorant with its ignorance" - Henry David Thoreau

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five!" - Groucho Marx
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Persuasion Part IV

2009-03-11T11:27:00.029Z
Motivational Interviewing and Guided Motivational Imagery

These techniques are client and person-centred approaches for enhancing intrinsic motivation, moving clients towards new and as yet, undiscovered life or career goals. The techniques of Motivational Interviewing were first developed for working with those engaged in substance abuse and addictions and are more suited to a coach or therapist - client approach than parent - child or between loved ones, although the principles behind their effectiveness remain true and could be adapted with some understanding of these working principles. I include this within the subject of "Persuasion" as this approach offers more chance of eliciting dramatic change of entrenched behaviours than any other form of persuasion will.

The Difference Between Intrinsic and Extrinsic Motivation

Motivation is the force required to create a change. Intrinsic motivation is the most effective and lasting type as it comes from within and is based upon one's own values and beliefs which will ensure that change will be internalised (learned and so adapt as circumstances change). Extrinsic motivation on the other hand, might be what some refer to as "the carrot and stick" approach and is exercised upon someone from the outside world. It can often be seen in use in the workplace whereby there is a requirement for compliance which runs counter to the individual's own will, or extra efforts needed, and so there are rewards or indeed penalties associated simply with observing this compliance or enhancing performance. This is effective in some instances, however unlikely to have much lasting impact on entrenched behaviours nor encourage dramatic and flexible changes. The person might only comply when being observed, rather than consistently with commitment, and may only perform to the minimum standard required to gain the reward (or to avoid the penalty or punishment "stick"). Equally, external motivators tend to reduce the potential for "added discretionary effort" in another doing their best as well as innovation as it is usually too prescriptive. Extrinsic and intrinsic motivators do work well together, only where done skillfully however!

As I maintain with all methods of persuasion, the humanistic approach of the coach, therapist, parent, partner or friend is key for being an effective change agent. This entails having empathy for the person requiring the change; holding the other in unconditional positive regard and being non-judgemental; being genuine (not asking someone else to do something you cannot do yourself); introducing change talk (the confidence being expressed by the person wanting to change is a good predictor of future behaviour and also something that can be increased through working together); and checking for concerns about making changes (checking for conflict between wanting to change and actually taking steps to change).

The story of Ghandi being approached by a mother wanting to stop her son eating too much sugar is a good example of a genuine approach demonstrated by the change agent. Ghandi was a spiritual counsellor to many people and had been approached by this woman with her son. Upon discovering what the mother wanted, Ghandi asked them to go away and come back in two weeks. They returned in the recommended timeframe and Ghandi then counselled the son in making this change. After the session the mother asked Ghandi if he had needed two weeks to think about the son's problem. Ghandi replied "not at all, I just needed to be sure that I too could give up consuming too much sugar!"

A technique associated with Motivational Interviewing, is that of using a "Balance Worksheet". This worksheet requires the person wishing to change to identify the benefits of the current activity or behaviour vs the costs of the current activity or behaviour, alongside the benefits of changing vs the costs of the change. Additionally, these benefits and costs must all be scaled 1 - 10 in strength of desire by the client (both benefits and costs). During the scaling process there is important questioning by the therapist or coach along the lines of "what needs to happen to increase/decrease this score". Finding the individual's own success stories can strengthen their scores and thus their confidence in making the change. If the person in question has been involved in a behaviour against their personal values, then exploring these to strengthen and thus reconnecting the person with them is also a necessary part. Finally, orienting the person to a future state rather than the past is a necessary step. Focusing on the past can entrench the thinking and so behaviour in the past. A guided imagery session, if the person responds well to guided imagery and relaxation techniques, can enhance intrinsic motivation further. Even if the person in question has a poor attention span, their ability to use imagery can be built up over a number of sessions, or get togethers. Psychologist McMullins (1986) supports the use of imagery, saying:

"as images do not involve language, clients can shift their perceptions more rapidly and completely using visual images rather than semantics."

One useful form of imagery is coping imagery - guiding imagining already doing what is currently out of their grasp or they have avoided doing, the benefits of doing this on the rest of their life. This also includes imagining not doing what they have wanted to start doing, as well as the implications on their life if they do not do it. Throwing in death-bed reflections of having done everything they would like to have done, including making a personal contract to make these changes, and then moving from short - medium - long-term goals, gets the client or person fully engaged in changing. This is particularly useful for de-motivated persons to gear themselves up for action and also for personal or work-related problems. This is not suitable for someone suicidal however.

Motivational Interviewing Benefits

Clients who receive motivational interviewing are more likely to:

- stay longer with the change programme

- work harder with it to achieve their goals

- adhere more to action plans and tasks

- achieve better outcomes

Motivational Interviewing Caution

- this is a powerful psychological tool but requires psychologist training for effective use;

- addressing deeply entrenched behaviours requires a range of tools;

- if there is a vested interest in the change on behalf of the change agent then this can interfere with the intrinsic dimension of the change required i.e. pressure may be brought to bear on the individual wanting to change, ultimately working against the change.
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Persuasion Part III

2009-02-26T21:49:00.012Z
The Socratic Method

Aaron T Beck, the founder of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), in his first training manual for other therapists advised: "use questioning rather than disputation and indocrination .. it is important to try to elicit from the patient what he is thinking rather than telling the patient what the therapist believes he is thinking" (1979, p. 69). This method supports persuasion in a very indirect way, in overcoming natural resistance to new ways of thinking. As the saying goes, "man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still”.

The socratic method is by no means a recent technique, dating back to the ancient-Greek culture when Socrates, a financially independent Stone Mason, lived in Athens in 400 BC and used this form of questioning to create insight and change of logic. Because of his financial independence, he spent a lot of time in the social gatherings of the market-place, encouraging youths hanging around, for example, to question popular opinion. Therefore, a good socratic question was one which the other had the ability to answer (although he might not realise it) and which brought enlightenment. This is the aim of cognitive therapy and for anyone wishing to change someone else's entrenched opinions. It is possibly the only verbal method that will do this, when done well. In his self-help book, in 1980, David Burns wrote “through a process of thoughtful questions, you discover, on your own, the beliefs that defeat you. You unearth the origin of your problems by repeating the following questions over and over”. Conclusions which are reached by the client or another, on their own, will have more validity and are therefore likely to be memorable and have lasting impact.

The socratic method does not only include questions, but also the active listening practice of reflecting back to the client in order to achieve a newer perspective. Here is an example of how this would work in therapy:

Therapist:
"so it sounds as though you get angry with your wife when she gets angry but wish your wife wasn't so angry?"

Client:
"yes, it's true, I get as angry as she is a times. I am doing exactly what upsets me!"

This method can also offer information, for example:

Th:
"so you think that your wife doesn't love you because she gets angry?"

Cl:
"Pretty much. She didn't used to behave like this."

Th:
"I ran a relationships clinic yesterday. How many of my five couples, who insist that they love each other, do you think admitted to getting angry with each other?

Cl:
"I don't know. Half of them?"

Th:
"All of them. What do you think that might suggest?"

Cl:
"That I am not the only one who gets anger from their partner? OK, maybe even that my wife does love me, even though she gets angry with me"

Th:
"How does that change how you think and feel about your wife's anger?"

Cl:
"I feel more reassured that I am loved despite my fears of upsetting my wife. That being angry with each other from time to time is ok. That maybe she's angry, but not with me"

Hopefully this shows that the goal of creating a change of opinion can be reached using this more insightful, indirectly persuasive and patient approach. Allowing another to reach their own conclusions often provides even more insight than the therapist is able to achieve. No-one is a mind reader, and in the instance of this socratic method, two plus two equals eight!

A good socratic question is also one which gets to the heart of someone else's blindsighted opinion. I remember a few years ago giving a presentation to a group of very passionate (and in my opinion, some very blindsighted) Engineers (well no-one's perfect!). After talking at length how a change in leadership mindsets could create a real impact on the bottom line and productivity, an engineer piped up at the end "but we tried this and it didn't work. Our leader later on admitted to me that he didn't think it would". At the time I stood dumbstruck at the ignorance (in my opinion) of the contribution being made. Afterwards, I replayed this comment and asked myself how I could have applied a good socratic question to create some enlightened thinking around this fact that if one doesn't believe it will work, how can it work? And therein lies a very good socratic question! "how effctive are you at any task that you don't believe in?" Simple, straightforward and gets to the heart of the contradiction that I wanted to demonstrate.

Finally, good socratic questioning works best when not used repetitively or interrogatively, nor one that could be perceived by the other as a means to trapping him into contradicting himself. At the heart of the interaction must also be a respect for preserving the relationship. Aaron T. Beck, the founder of CBT, concludes rightly:

"Questions must be carefully timed and phrased so as to help the patient recognise and consider his notions reflectively - to weigh his thoughts with objectivity" (1970, p.71)

Persuasion Part IV includes motivational methods such as motivation interviewing (MI) adapted for encouraging personal growth, indirect suggestion methods, giving effective feedback for change and using visualisation, sensation, auditory and imagery techniques. Hypnotic techniques are a form of persuasion but a subject all of its own, covered best in a more interactive learning forum.
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Persuasion Part II

2009-02-23T00:55:00.003Z
Empathy

Using empathy can be a powerful means of persuasion. Here’s a definition to describe what I mean by empathy:

“The power of entering into another’s personality and imaginatively experiencing his experiences .. the power of entering into the feeling and spirit of something and so appreciating it fully” – The Chambers Concise Dictionary

Why it this capable of persuasion?

By moving one’s attention away from oneself and instead focusing emotionally and intellectually on the person with whom you are talking to, you are capable of becoming much more attuned and sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of the other person.

As social beings, most of us have a natural need to form close bonds, meaningful friendships, with at least one of a sexual nature. In being sharing and caring with another human being, we create immense shared power and the opportunity for personal growth on both sides. By deploying this power, the persuader can direct the persuadee towards another point of view far more effectively than pushing or pulling. Typically when one person pushes the other pushes back and pulling only serves to have the other dig their heels in!

This is not a technique as such, however effective coaches, counselors and psychotherapists rely heavily upon this method of entering the emotional space of their client in order to facilitate change in a non-directive way. This is also an effective method in working with difficult teenagers as well as in negotiation. Empathy is not the same as sympathy however, as it is possible to understand and value another without being sympathetic towards the poor choices they are making as a consequence.

Some of the language of empathy

“I think I understand how why you think that, here’s what I am thinking”
“I am sorry that happened to you”
“I trust you”
“Being honest with you, I am upset about what you suggested”
“I want to hear what you think first”
“I’d like to help”

Why is this effective?

This method reinforces the importance of the other person. It also relies upon the human need for recognition which most of us have. Most people warm to being valued and encouraged to feel important. Equally, we are much more likely to be persuaded after we have had the chance to express how we feel, what we think, knowing that we have been respected and valued. This method can only work where there is openness however. If one party has come to the discussion with their mind made up and is only seeking agreement, then there will not be genuine empathy and this will not work. In an empathetic scenario, the persuader comes to the discussion with the desire and the skill not only to get a solution but also to apply an empathetic approach. An effective empathetic process is a two-way process – a style of assertive behaviour, with respect by the persuader of the other’s feelings, thoughts and views and also of his own. The persuader also brings his own position into play and as such both perspectives are valued.

Who says it’s effective?

A survey into the financial services industry, by Touche Ross (1987) examined what factors made for success, as measured by a significantly above average return on equity. When it came to HR, the factor was empathy. Bottom line, empathy is good for the bottom line, although given what’s been happening lately, one might surmise that it’s been in desperately short supply!

In western culture, we have preferred the persuasion styles of logic and incentives. Research shows that women have a greater capacity for empathy than men. In order to increase win:win outcomes and to improve the bottom line, there has been a push to secure greater numbers of women in all kinds of leadership positions, executive, political and management.

When is it not effective?

Someone with a very high or dominant E score, might have a tendency for non-assertion or even submissiveness. Over time, this can lead to being taken for granted and losing one’s own self-respect.

In Persuasion Part III and IV I will talk some more about other methods of persuasion and influencing such as guided imagery, motivational interviewing and Socratic Questioning methods.
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Persuasion: Part 1

2009-02-13T08:18:00.013Z
The Art of Questions

"I keep six honest serving men,
They taught me all I know,
Their names are What and Why and When
and How and Where and Who." - Rudyard Kipling

When wishing to persuade someone of our own point of view we must also seek to understand the other's and questions are the best way to find out more. There are various styles of questions, with some styles much more effective than others.

Take for example the following scenario. You are given the following facts and asked to find out the full story - but only by asking closed questions (asking questions that elicit 'yes' or 'no' answers). The facts are:

- A man in pushing a car
- The car stops next to a hotel
- The man realises he is bankrupt

Here are some typical closed questions that you might ask:

Q: Does he own the hotel?
A: No
Q: Has his car run out of petrol?
A: No
Q: Does he own the car?
A: Yes
Q: Is he running a business; is he a driver; or is he running a car business?
A: No
Q: Does a person at the hotel give him some information that bankrupts him?
A: No
Q: Is the hotel in financial trouble and this bankrupts him?
A: No
Q: Has the car broken down?
A: No
Q: Has he lost his key?
A: No
Q: Has he run out of oil or petrol?
A: No
Q: Has the car got a puncture?
A: No
Q: Has he locked himself out of the car?
A: No

Increasingly frustratingly, these sorts of questions are very poor at uncovering the real story ... that the man is playing Monopoly (using the car symbol as his marker), has landed upon a site with a hotel and realised the rent for stopping there exceeded all his assets, even when mortgaged.

As this form of questioning shows, often when encountering problems the one thing which prevents our objectivity in addressing it is the person staring back at you when you look in the mirror. To explain this, we need to appreciate and understand that we all have individual and skewed ‘mind-sets’ or 'paradigms' or simply just points of view. In essence: we all have our own personal philosophy for understanding the world and ascribing meanings to what we see. Closed questions are the poorest form of questioning for finding out what is really going on and yet we frequently resort to this form. They are in fact a barrier to effective communication and assertive persuasion. Questions help to uncover a fuller picture than we are capable of seeing beyond our own 'paradigm'.

Ramakrishna in his story of a group of blind men encountering an elephant for the first time tells how each blind man approached the elephant: the one who grasped the leg said, ‘The elephant is like a pillar’. The other man who held an ear said, ‘No, the elephant is like a fan’. Another man stretched out and touched the tail and said, ‘You are both wrong, an elephant is like a rope’. This is a reflection of our interpretation of reality with our own experiences as our only guide. It is true that “none of us are as smart as all of us”. The skills of asking questions requires a certain commitment and personal discipline. The listener has to deliberately prepare himself to listen. If we are preoccupied with our own thoughts and feelings, we are not available to be receptive. Allowing another to express their point fully before offering yours and avoiding jumping in with yours is the first step.

Questions to Avoid

- Long complicated questions: if we are too involved, or not confident, or too rushed, long questions can result, making us sound muddled and confuse the listener;
- 'Or' Questions: if 'or' is used conjunctively i.e. both alternatives could be selected, then the question is self-defeating.

Q: Did you go to the cinema or the theatre?
A: Yes

Such an approach could be valid where after exploring all options, there are only two left which could be practical or possible and they are mutually exclusive.

- Multiple Questions: a golden rule of assertive questioning is "one at a time". More than one can lead to confusion and also permit some important questions to be lost or missed.

- Loaded / Leading Questions: 'Don't you think that this party is boring?'; 'Surely everyone is clear about what our change initiative is about?'; 'Don't you think that we have a lot in common?' These types of questions attempt to encourage agreement to one's own 'paradigm' rather than showing openness and respect for another's opinion. They usually backfire and can create resentment or hostility.

- Staccato Style: while it is correct to apply the rule, "one at a time", we should avoid the battering ram or interrogative approach. It is also likely that too many closed questions are used in this style. When we persuade it should not be "menu-driven". Have you ever experienced a situation where an interviewer went through a check-list of predetermined questions, without seeming to be particularly interested in what you have to say? How did you feel? Probably not too open to being persuaded about much!

Next week I'll talk some more about effective persuasion, such as the usefulness of "Socratic Questioning", begun by the ancient Greek philosopher, Socrates, and still highly effective for persuasion and intelligent debate today, as well as a well-known counselling method.
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

The 'frequency' for conciliation

2009-02-02T19:51:00.030Z
The Cuban Missile Crisis, 1962, was the first and only nuclear confrontation between the United States and the Soviet Union. Some of the defensive actions taken were precisely the actions that finally averted an atomic and catastrophic world war from erupting. US President of the day, Kennedy, first decided to restrict the flights of the U-2 planes over the length of Cuba. Kennedy hoped this would ensure that a U-2 plane would not be shot down, so making US retaliation obligatory. The CIA and the military were still in favour of a bombing raid and/or an invasion. While negotations were ongoing, news came through that a U-2 plane had been shot down over Cuba. The leaders of the US military, reminding Kennedy of the promise he had made, argued that he should now give orders for the bombing of Cuba. Kennedy refused and instead sent a letter to Russia's Khrushchev accepting the terms of Khrushchev's first letter sent during the negotiations. Khrushchev agreed and gave orders for the Cuban missiles to be dismantled. One of the keys to Kennedy averting a 'show-down' during the Cuban missile crisis was through his ability to focus on what Khrushchev was thinking and consider what mattered most to Khrushchev. Thankfully (and hopefully!), Barack Obama's approach appears to be similar in many ways to Kennedy's, demonstrating an ability to understand and tap into people's hearts and minds, people's opposing perspectives, motivations and desires.

Following on from my Good Vibrations blog, in January, talking about how we tap into an emotional 'frequency' observing that when we do so, others can change accordingly, those around us as well as ourselves, I have decided to provide some 'science' to back it up. This blog is talking more about the real impact on our lives where we enhance our ability to first seek to understand the very people who are causing us trouble or pain; and some science supporting the idea of an emotional 'frequency'. Pressing pause on some of our more destructive emotions brings us closer to finding solutions to our problems.

Hate the System, Not the People
During his inaugural address, Nelson Mandela spoke of a slow realisation he had while in prison under the guard of his enemy for 27 years during the Apartheid rule. Over time he realised how these guards did not seem to particularly enjoy the role they were taking either. It was only when he began to see past his own hatred of his enemies that he could become the leader of the future and so destroy the real enemy to mankind, Apartheid. He changed his hatred as one away from people and towards the system that held people in these destructive patterns. As such, only through feeling compassion for others, regardless of their position in the conflict, could he change that system, engaging South Africa in embracing this change. I remember a terrible story of him losing his son in a car accident, allegedly engineered to break his spirit while in prison, and then some time after, discovering that the prison guard assigned to him had lost his son in a car accident. He registers that the empathy that flowed between them was heart-felt and genuine at the deepest level, despite their opposing positions. He points to this ability to feel empathy towards his enemies as being the chief reason for him finally being capable of destroying this system of Apartheid. How he got there was through intense reflection, suffering and a level of self-control that most people cannot imagine. It is almost unimaginable to find the strength to see past one's child being murdered but somehow he managed.

There are similar sage words all throughout history if we choose to look, from earlier than 300 BC, with Sun T'zu's "The Art of War":

"If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle";

and further similar words of wisdom from Robert McNamara in his book and documentary "The Fog of War" following his disastrous handling of the US' Vietnam Campaign, rule 9 out of his 10 rules about war:

"If we are to deal effectively with terrorists across the globe, we must develop a sense of empathy—I don't mean "sympathy," but rather "understanding"—to counter their attacks on us and the Western World".

I would add, that one must adequately understand oneself first. In McNamara's documentary, "The Fog of War", he talks about sitting next to an ambassador for Vietnam at a dinner many years after the Vietnam conflict and being told that if he had understood anything about the acrimonious history between Vietnam and China, North America would never have feared an alliance and so the attack on Vietnam could have been averted. The fear and then the negative and often erroneous future predictions that follow on from such fear can activate terrible decisions by our Leaders if they are unable to distance themselves from this sort of emotional reasoning.

The Neuroscience of Our States of Mind
So, how do we achieve heightened self-awareness, self-control and insight? When we go deeper into relaxation, we achieve such heightened receptivity, inspiration, emotional control as well as sometimes long-forgotten memories. We can even enter quite an elusive and transcendant "Theta" state, where brain activity slows almost to the point of sleep, but not quite. When the brain is operating in the Theta state it can bring about accelerated cognitive, emotional and behavioural change. Theta can be measured and induced through hypnosis, relaxation and meditation. You might know that you are in Theta as it can be accompanied by very pleasurable sensations of floating and weightlessness. We know that when the brain is in the Theta state it allows us readier access to our 'tacit' consciousness, referred to by psychoanalysts as the subconscious and unconscious. During stressful or highly emotional episodes, this area is closed to us as our critical thinking abilities are heightened as we become enmeshed in the quite destructive 'fight or flight' mode. Psychologists can now use various means of neurofeedback to indicate when the Theta state has been achieved and teach others how to tap into this as opposed to reacting to our more instinctive 'fight or flight' responses.

Why are we doing this? Well for a number of reasons. The most prevalent currently is as an important part in behavior modification programs such as anger management and in the treatment of food, drug and alcohol addictions. Frequently, angry people, addicts and people struggling with severe weight problems are less skilled at altering their mood or state than the average person. Human beings are very adaptable and will find other, if maladaptive, ways to relieve tension and stress. It stands to reason that drugs, alcohol and food would become alternatives and that anger could easily prevail.

Putting this into Practice
Imagine for a minute if these were the strategies that world leaders resorted to when dealing with international threats! Perhaps we do not need to. When we look back in time to how US President Bush reacted to the attacks on the World Trade Centre, we can see that it was accompanied by such an emotional intensity that it likely prevented full consideration of all the likely as yet unforeseen consequences to such a retaliation. As Sun T'zu observed many centuries ago (will we ever learn from our history?):

"He who wishes to fight must first count the cost. When you engage in actual fighting, if victory is long in coming, then men's weapons will grow dull and their ardor will be dampened. If you lay siege to a town, you will exhaust your strength. Again, if the campaign is protracted, the resources of the State will not be equal to the strain. Now, when your weapons are dulled, your ardor dampened, your strength exhausted and your treasure spent, other chieftains will spring up to take advantage of your extremity. Then no man, however wise, will be able to avert the consequences that must ensue... In war, then, let your great object be victory, not lengthy campaigns" (The Art of War)

Apply also this quote above to the costly and unhappy process of an acrimonious divorce. Our own reasons for developing empathy and emotional self-control are much more likely to affect us personally. When we enhance our empathy and self-control, we enhance our effectiveness with our loved ones, our friends and work colleagues. Our lives become more fulfilled at deeper levels than ever imagined possible.

Furthermore, there is a growing trend in leadership development as we realise that we can learn to be better leaders. Shouldn't these skills be obligatory for anyone with the power to create war, to destroy our environment or make other people's lives better or worse? Most good leaders can remember a time where they were less effective and have a story to tell about how they became the positive influence that they now are. Change and self-discovery is a natural process.

These are very real stories and useful insights to begin exploring one's own limits and opportunities. In changing our worlds, we begin only when we consider how we ourselves can change. As the leader of India's independence, a humanist and pacifist, Ghandi, once said, "we must be the change we wish to see in the world". Finding more enlightened ways of resolving our disputes minus bloodshed and oppression is something that I will support until I am no longer here.
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Communication: Part I

2009-01-28T18:49:00.033Z
Good Vibrations!

When communicating with your partner, children or work colleagues even, following certain guidelines on being assertive, listening, etc. should be easy. As discussed in last week's blog however, the stresses of life and our differing expectations, as well as our perceptions, can quickly get in the way of our good intentions. It is because of this that I have decided to defer talking about refining one's listening skills until later on. Understanding the impact that having little energy left to communicate well with your partner is as important in your relationship as would be understanding the impact of the tides and winds when trying to sail a sailboat out in the open seas. When you understand how this energy affects your boat, so you can better enjoy the sail! When you don't, you get blown here and there at random and the sailing becomes incredibly tiring and frustrating; so it is with relationships. This blog continues talking about what we can learn in order to sail our relationships into smoother waters! Relationship tips can often sound pretty black and white and straightforward, but as ever with human relationships, there needs to be flexibility and some guidance in putting any of these ideas into practice. We are constantly adapting to our environment, learning how to accommodate changes and so often have little positive energy left for our most important relationships. This makes it all the harder to 'see the wood from the trees' when deciding what one must do to improve one's relationship!

Find Your Harmony 'Frequency' First, Talk After!
Some of the most effective and enjoyable ways for couples to spend time together is when they are not talking about their problems. Harmony is the essential ingredient of any good communication, at work as well as at play (is this stating the obvious a little?). We often try to sort out our problems by talking first and then enjoying each other's company after. Next time however, try this only after some good vibrations have been re-established between you and the other person! (This is a great way to handle 'angry teenagers' too. Take some time for the two of you and do something together that requires concentration on the task at hand and is also something you know he or she will get satisfaction from doing.) Following more acrimonious disagreements between you and your partner, try doing something that you both enjoy, even the simple tasks such as collecting up loose leaves in the garden together, going for a walk by the river or even something as passive as sitting in a room together before talking. I believe that this works best when alone together, saying as little as possible, and not covering anything other than what absolutely needs to be said. If there has been a simple misunderstanding then it can take as little as ten minutes to re-establish harmony, whereas for bigger upsets it may take many hours or weeks. What is certain however, is that you will have a much better chance of re-establishing communication thereafter. You must both learn to tune out of your anger 'frequency' and to tune into your more harmonious relationship 'frequency'. Creating a harmonious frequency runs counter to the idea that all problems must tackled with a lot of talking. Words have a much more positive impact where the frequency for good accord has already been established. This is not just true in intimate relationships, but in any human interaction, at work, in political deal-making, etc. Many organisational tensions have been eased through facilitated away-days and team-building activities which do not necessarily attack the nitty gritty of individual disagreements straight on.

This is also why mediation is a growing industry, particularly in the political, legal and business fields. Where there is good accord, there is a foundation for good relationships to be cultivated and so better business, political and personal decisions can be made. With anger dominating, decisions all too quickly degenerate into lose – lose, destructive outcomes. In seeking mediation, there is the chance of securing win – win outcomes. How couples do this without external support depends upon their will and their skill at taking responsibility for resetting their harmony frequency. I acknowledge that with a highly angry partner however, this likely needs outside expertise.

Self-Awareness
It is very easy to notice the effect that others have on our moods and so it is safe to assume that we can affect others' moods also. You might have noticed that in certain company you feel liked and good about yourself and what you do, and yet in others you might feel ignored, unimportant, weakened, or even disliked. All these feelings have an impact on our moods, our energy levels and so affect how we present ourselves and behave towards others. In Eastern cultures, for many centuries, people have paid close attention to this 'energy' and how it is impacted by common feelings, interpretations and experiences. These cultures have become accustomed to recognising the importance of this and so monitoring when the changes arise, what they feel like and how they change. In particular, they have learned to notice how these affect physiology as well as mood. Breathing is noted, as is diet and exercise. Practising this is the basis of several forms of Eastern 'mindfulness' practice, and are part of the exercises of Yoga, Tai Chi and the combatant Martial Arts, such as Kung Fu and Karate. These arts teach participants to recognise not just the physical body as holding energy within its physical shape of muscle, organs and bone, but also one's 'energy' body which takes a different, non-physical form and shape. This energy cannot be seen, it cannot be held in one's hand or measured, however, within Eastern culture, there is no dispute that it is there. So, the same can be said for you and your partner or you and the people you work with. When you notice how your feelings change according to different circumstances, so you can notice the effect that this has upon both your physical and mental well-being and on how you feel about your relationship and so towards your partner.

Managing Anger
Self-awareness is the first step in holding productive communication between you and your partner. Knowing how you feel at different times, with your partner and in your life in general, allows you to explore the reasons why you are feeling a certain way and also to figure out how much control you can assert over the responses you are having. This is an important point to make early on in this blog as I am now going to talk about anger. Anger is the biggest poison in any relationship and results from a grave loss of awareness about how to positively channel one's own energy mass freely, allowing it to 'flow', as one would say in Eastern culture. Our angry responses to certain situation result from having not developed fully the skills of self-awareness and therefore self-control. I know that I am in danger of sounding as though I am standing on pretty high moral ground on the subject and so to balance this I want to point out it is also normal! For many people, getting angry from time to time is not harmful, it's just natural. I too have a temper, which expresses itself from time to time, if I let it! With our loved ones, there is usually space for some anger to exist without it ruining the relationship, however this should not be the default emotion for when things go wrong. In other words, one must not get too worked up where anger appears sparingly.

Anger is considered to be a 'secondary' emotion, in the sense that it is responding to a primary emotion which you have likely learned over many years to ignore or deny yourself the right to feel. The primary emotion could be fear for example, the fear of being unloved or alone; or sadness at losing the admiration or approval of a loved one, maybe bringing back memories of past sad such events; etc. Anger appears as an instinctive 'protection' against permitting the primary emotion to surface - getting angry when fearful of being unloved, for example. Becoming skilled in tapping into one's hidden primary emotions has a dramatic impact on the negative, secondary emotion of anger.

Where anger regularly appears, this can have a similar effect on communication as the signal being lost on a radio. Where the radio was playing music and creating ambience nicely before, so now it is creating disturbance and meaningful noise is no longer being emitted! In order to communicate well, we must first be 'tuned in' to a harmonious mood 'frequency'. If anger is present, then this must be dealt with independently of other issues in the relationship, with each party having a commitment to learning what to do about it.

To Talk or Not To Talk?
Communication is rarely just about the words said. How many times have you expressed an opinion, or made a request, only to discover that you have been misunderstood? How many times have you picked up on someone else's bad mood without them saying a word. People will often comment upon an unpleasant situation, remarking that 'you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife!' . As I said in my previous blog, we transmit our messages mostly non-verbally rather than verbally and so when we feel angry, for sure we are emitting an angry 'frequency', whether we want to or not!

Taking responsibility for my own anger is not saying that I am wrong and you are right. It is saying that I take ownership of my feelings and so decide how I would like to behave. To remain consistent in who we are is what most people strive for. There are few things more frustrating than being at the whim of someone else's bad mood. Remember that sail boat being buffeted about in the wild seas? The first step is to learn how to become more self-aware, more mindful of one's own emotions and thoughts surrounding them; the second is to allow someone else's anger to remain with them, by no means easy to do, but not impossible. Most people have heard the saying 'it takes two to Tango'. Well, the same is true for heated arguments. Silence is not pleasant, but can be necessary, where both parties are in agreement about this and are equipped with some strategies for re-establishing harmony first. The wall of silence is not great for communication to flow either, but at least it prevents harmful dialogue and gives space to begin to practice calming down first. It is easier to recover where less has been said in the heat of the moment.

The Importance of Paying Attention
As I pointed out above, we can usually tell the frequency that we are in with our loved ones; the 'atmosphere' changes and this can be comfortable, uncomfortable or even neutral. You will best notice this if you are paying attention to it, noticing how this feels inside of you, what physiological changes occur in you and what the changes are in your partner, good and bad. Some find this easier to pick up on than others. If you want to know what is going on in your relationship and want to take advantage of the opportunities that are presented in it, then you will need to become more accustomed to noting the 'frequency' that you are both in. Judging where you are on the harmony-to-acrimony scale is imperative.

Interestingly, there is a difference between attention and intention. Most of the emphasis in Western culture is on 'intention': we are encouraged to establish 'goals' so that we have stated explicitly what we are trying to achieve; organisations have 'mission statements'; training courses have 'aims and objectives'; etc. There is very poor evidence for supporting the thinking that writing down and verbalising our intentions is sufficient for making a difference. Yet, in Western Culture this is where most of our efforts are directed. There are some exceptions to this though. In Quaker mediation for example, it is considered important to simply be witness, to observe but not intervene directly in the conflict. This is considered to be the cornerstone of their peacekeeping mediation. In general, mediators are taught to pay the closest attention to their breathing, discovering as a consequence that all sorts of physical and mental changes flow from that. Here's what an author on the subject of quantum physics has to say on the subject of observing energy as an entity in itself:

“From its earliest days, quantum theory has implied that something very odd, and of crucial importance, happens when we observe a quantum system. Unobserved quantum phenomena are radically different from observed ones .. Not only does observation somehow .. give us a world in the first place, but it turns out that the particular way in which we choose to observe quantum reality partly determines what we shall see” - Danah Zohar, The Quantum Self (1991, pp 26 & 28)

and in the plant world:

“... energy knows when it is being watched ... Energy responds to us” - Eliot Cowan, Plant Spirit Medicine, 1995, p.52

Essentially, relationship experts mostly all talk about paying attention to and mastering your own and your relationship's 'energy' and how to become aware of other's attempts to share theirs with you , and to beware of it in the negative sense. From time to time, we have all attempted (unconsciously) to do this! When you are angry, learning to recognise what is really going on inside of you is enormously liberating. This skill is sometimes referred to as 'mindfulness'. For sure, this skill should precede the work of establishing mission statements or stating / recording explicit values and goals between couples, for growing our organisations and in solving conflict between nations. Yet, to-date in our Western culture, this is something that only recently have we begun to embrace. As a psychotherapist, practicing mindfulness myself and developing this between couples is the cornerstone for our working together; as a mediator it is the keystone for finding solutions and reaching agreement; and as a human race, it can help elevate us from being wild savages to being a highly evolved and enlightened species.

Currently, the national health service (NHS) in the UK is investing considerable funds for psychiatric training in this area of mindfulness, as it advances the effectiveness of cognitive-based treatments. Mindfulness is now a readily-embraced practice in anger management and I recommend it for anyone struggling with weight-loss or addictions. Although it sounds incredibly esoteric, modern sciences are now finding ways to quantitatively support what Eastern culture has already believed and practiced for many centuries! If you cannot do this right now then seek out a good relaxation guide, either in the shape of a class, a book, a CD or doing something that gives you the impetus to break the frequency of anger. For some, being in the garden or with their pets is enough to have this effect, for others it requires a more conscious effort, perhaps in the form of Yoga, meditation, other exercises, etc. Learning how to calm down, how to take responsibility for your anger and how to recognise the early warning signs that it is coming is actually liberating. Without making any changes in your relationship, you will see this having a positive impact on how you feel in the relationship as well as about yourself. This is the only thing that you know you can change for sure!
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Communication: Part II

2009-01-21T19:37:00.024Z

Talking, Listening, Tapping into How You Feel & Making Life Changes

This blog is talking more about how couples can learn to communicate better. This is a good continuum from last week's blog about building trust. The foundation of communication is being able to handle one's own emotions, however this is a blog in itself and I will try to cover it more thoroughly next week.

So firstly, why is it important to be good communicators? I frequently hear complaints between couples that one side over-analyses everything, wanting to talk too much, whereas the other hates to talk when experiencing problems and walks away at the hint of “we need to talk”! Clearly if only one half of the couple sees themselves as the communicator, then how skilled will the actual communication be? For communication to work it needs to flow in both directions, with fairly equal measure of talking and listening on both sides. In the scenario I've described above, and many other common ones between couples, communication can quickly improve, with some work from both sides. The art of asking good questions and listening to the answers is certainly as important as the art of talking.

Counsellor and author Egan talks about the “immediacy” skill, or the “you-me” skill in communicating. Where couples can address their problems, aspirations and differences by noticing changes early on so then danger be averted! While harmonious ambience prevails in your relationship, so these conversations are easier to have. He points out that there are 2 categories within the “immediacy” skill (2002):

- There is relationship immediacy i.e. “let's talk about how we've been relating to each other recently”; and

- Event-focused “here and now” immediacy e.g. “let's talk about what's going on between you & I right now, as we're talking together. I notice you sighed when I brought up the subject of ...."

Egan suggests that to be in a relationship we must be able to have “you-me” conversations on both the recent past and the present. Another extremely useful function of the “you-me” conversation is talking about how you both want the relationship to develop in the future. This can be extremely useful in addressing the difficult subjects such as making a deeper commitment e.g. sharing one's feelings on marriage, starting a family, buying a house together, etc. Where you have the ability to discuss “here and now” immediacy, you will be able to be even more open and sharing as a couple. For example, you notice your partner frowning, getting restless, and even avoiding entering the discussion. This is the subject to tactfully yet openly discuss before you begin touching on the difficult subject of starting a family, or buying a house together, etc..

"I" vs "You" Statements
The main skill in having productive “you-me” conversations is having the ability to get in touch with what you think and feel. This involves making the messages that you give your partner about you. Psychologists call these “I messages”. These are sent out through consistent verbal, vocal intonation and bodily communication messages. The “I messages” are easier to be received by your partner as you are eliminating the risk of them feeling judged or criticised even. For example, let's say that you get upset when your partner reads his paper at the breakfast table rather than talking to you, given you have very little quality time together. There are at least two ways of conveying how you feel about this. The first way could be “every morning you ignore me behind that paper of yours” or the second, using an “I message” could be “rightly or wrongly I feel ignored when you read your paper every morning. Especially because we don't have much quality time together”. There is a much better chance of finding a solution to this issue together as a couple where “I messages” are used rather than “you messages”. Developing the skills of tact and diplomacy also goes a long way to easing difficult or painful conversations. When making a difficult point for instance, inviting discussion and remaining open to how your partner responds is vital for you both to feel respected and committed. This is hard to do if you cannot tap into your own emotions early or if you have difficulty in expressing feelings appropriately on certain “hot” topics.
Here's a tip in preparing yourself for feelings you have problems expressing or controlling: you can begin to anticipate and rehearse how best to communicate them with your partner, prior to you taking the risk of doing so. A gentle reminder to yourself that you need to communicate well, but not perfectly, can also take some of the pressure off!
Asking Good Questions & Giving Feedback
In considering how you relate to each other, I'd like to raise the skill of giving and receiving feedback. Feedback is the good stuff as well as the bad, and as a rule of thumb there needs to be approximately four good points given for every one negative piece of feedback. This applies whether in the workplace, at home with your partner or with your children. Some claim, that when it comes to your loved ones that the ratio needs to be more like 7:1! Clearly this needs to be something that is always considered and not everyone requires the same amount of positive feedback. As a flower opens to the sun, so we all benefit from a good dose of positive feedback and regularly! It is nevertheless important to share positive and negative feelings about how each other relates. Some good questions for uncovering unspoken areas can be:

“what issues have we avoided in the past?”
“what are the issues that we are not bringing up now?”
“what do we want from our relationship?”
“what are the strengths in our relationship?”
“what is missing in the relationship?”
“what other relationships impact negatively upon our relationship?”
“how can we improve our relationship?”

The Hygiene Factors
The hygiene factors are what are otherwise known as the practical considerations which typically have a negative impact on the relationship. These include issues such as stress at work, work-life balance being out of sync, money worries, child-care problems, ageing parents, living in less than ideal or cramped conditions, the work commute, health problems, etc. These are the main stresses which invariably interfere with a couple being able to talk, spend quality time together and catch up with each other on an emotional level. Certainly, good time management skills are essential for relationships surviving today's busy living. Also, where one sees one's worth as tied up in what one does professionally then home life may be even more compromised. This is a trap which more and more people are falling into as the external Western world's value becomes more about achieving than being a good parent or loving partner. As a trained therapist, it is my job to assist individuals who find themselves sacrificing home life at the expense of their jobs to re-evaluate what really matters and then figure out ways in which to lead a more balanced and fulfilling life, at home as well as work.

Troy and Sarah are one such couple, married with two teenage children and both working in demanding jobs. Sarah is a council administrator and at the time of entering therapy, Troy had been a corporate lawyer in a busy city-based firm, but had recently been made redundant. Prior to the redundancy they had been spending less and less time talking together, as their lives had become more consumed with work, the demands of their children, their ageing parents and their outside activities. They had come to therapy as Troy was reconsidering his priorities and Sarah was reacting to this fairly skeptically, having experienced Troy's working schedule as previously leaving very little time for her. Troy however was keen to make some dramatic changes in this area and Sarah was keen to find out how they could reconnect. Troy and Sarah both talked about how they would like their relationship to improve and also what they felt was missing. They agreed that the most fundamental part to them reconnecting would be to spend more time together, on a more regular basis. Due to Troy having been working extremely long hours, Sarah had filled up her spare time at weekends and evenings with committee meetings as a voluntary charity worker. Troy and Sarah agreed to spend a social evening for just the two of them every two weeks practising talking and listening, supportively and openly. They also agreed to do some of the more mundane tasks together and decided to share the saturday food shop, making it more enjoyable and having a coffee together afterwards. They also decided to exercise more regularly together as a family through going hillwalking. Troy was offered a job similar to his previous one however he turned this down as he felt it would simply take him away from his family too much. This demonstrated not only his awareness of the impact that some of the “hygiene factors” were having on his home life but a commitment to making some real changes. As such, Sarah proposed to cut down on her extra-curricular committee work and so have more energy for her relationship.

Troy and Sarah have also planned how to be alert to becoming disconnected from each other once more. Troy shows his stress through becoming irritable, and when Sarah experienced this previously she sought fulfillment away from home, from her voluntary activities. Through their awareness of how their relationship was being affected they have developed their “immediacy” talking skills, a stronger commitment to one another and now manage to get things back on track much quicker.

Some Relationship Building Pointers
Clearly time, energy and space are all important for any relationship to thrive. Here are some basic things to consider doing if you are finding your partner and you are becoming increasingly disconnected:

- Allocate time to do enjoyable things together, even the mundane tasks!

- Where work demands are crowding in, remind yourself of the bigger picture – of all the things that matter in your life. If necessary, write these down on a flash card and keep to hand to remind yourself. If you are being accused of not making enough time, take this seriously and keep an activity diary to see how much time you are spending with loved ones and how enjoyably spent is this time. You will quickly see where you can eliminate some of the time wasting or time spent on low priority activities.

- Practice talking to your partner about his or her successes and be positive about each other – remember the 4 positives to every 1 negative comment ratio!

- Be open and ready to actively listen (this is a skill that I will cover in next week's blog). We all like to be heard!

- Practice physical contact when speaking. Holding hands, touching the other's shoulder when raising a potentially “hot” topic and hugging afterwards works can all help diffuse tension and misunderstandings.

- Practice good eye contact, a supportive tone of voice, maintaining a relaxed body posture. Clearly not a hypnotic stare or a whisper are necessary however you can generate a lot of warmth and love non-verbally - in your eyes, vocal intonation, facial muscles and body posture. Non-verbal signals in general transmit so much more of what we mean than what is said verbally.
- Above all else, practice courageous honesty, with sensitivity and good timing of course! Another writer on relationships, De Angelis, writes that the most attractive feature a woman has is her mind and so she should avoid editing her opinions or values simply to be liked by a man (1977). Clearly this is useful advise however I would like to add my own opinion, that it should not be taken literally in all instances and does not only apply to women. Using your knowledge of your partner's weaknesses, an awareness of good timing and also sensitivity is advisable. If you know your partner is under a lot of stress at work and prone to jealousy when stressed, for example, and you are considering mentioning an innocent encounter with the opposite sex, you may decide to not simply share this information at this point in time.
Communication: Part II will cover how to deal with communication that regularly escalates into arguments and how to not just to recover but to also learn from them. In particular the skill of mindfulness will be explained further.

This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.

Trust: rebuilding trust

2009-01-14T15:11:00.064Z
Trust in some relationships is a given, something that is taken for granted from the outset. In others, trust is something which must be earned and the relationship begins much more cautiously. In reality, there is not only one way to trust. In fact how easy is it for most people to trust? Where a couple are having a problem trusting one another it can begin to corrode the rest of the relationship at an alarming rate. How easy is it to convert a non-trusting relationship into a trusting one?

Trust is something that we learn to do from birth, learning to trust depends upon how reliable, consistent and loving our parents or primary caregivers are with us and so we all possess different levels of ability to trust. To an extent, we all lose our ability to trust perfectly (how we start out as babies), given parenting is never perfect! However the extent to which we learn to trust depends upon how we interpret the episodes where our trust has been more seriously violated. For most of us, learning that all people are fallible and mess up from time-to-time, including our parents, can be a very useful reminder, to begin permitting oneself to trust, even in an uncertain world. Clearly, there are some periods which require more than this kind of rationalisation, for instance where one's partner has continually broken promises or periodically been unfaithful. Is it possible to regain trust in these instances?

Problems Trusting
Firstly, let's consider where one's own trust has been seriously violated in childhood, or an earlier traumatic event, and has now become a serious problem. The sorts of instances which can sustain long-term damage on one's ability to trust are usually periods of trauma which are then not resolved at the time. Episodes of child abuse (verbal, physical, sexual); being reared by a susbstance-abusing parent or a parent who is inconsistent with their own emotions; and parents with personality disorders, can all harm a child's ability to trust when in adulthood. As an adult, being in a long-term dishonest or abusive relationship can also leave unhealed emotional scars and prevent the individual from fully trusting their current partner. Some of the likely responses of someone who has not learned how to trust are to be generally guarded in the relationship, conditional and selective about when to trust. They can also find ways in which to 'sabotage' their relationships, such as putting the relationship through a battery of impossible psychological tests, "if you love me then ..."; acting out in unacceptable ways in order to push away one's partner, such as creating dramas, being inconsistently loving, being highly critical, being unfaithful, etc.; picking unsatisfactory partners to begin with, thinking "I knew it would never work ...", "I tried but he / she didn't..."; and so on.

In adult:adult relationships, an individual who quickly withdraws from their partner following a one-off disappointment in their partner, and then finds it difficult to reconnect, likely has difficulties trusting others in general. In a loving and supportive relationship, trust can grow over time by talking through problems together as they arise and sharing how disappointments are being perceived. The more we understand how to better meet some of those particular expectations and to understand some of the perceptions that one's partner holds about their world, the more intimacy grows. For individuals where trust is problematic, the likely response, as I say above, will more likely be to withdraw or sabotage than to discuss. Over-reaction, including verbal abuse, rage, etc. happens frequently with people who have problems trusting others. This means that the ability to rationally discuss, negotiate and compromise is lost, sometimes for ever. Both withdrawal (including avoidance of discussion) and sabotage (including anger and blame) get in the way of developing intimacy in the relationship and blocks the relationship from becoming a more fulfilling one.

Infidelity
Where there has been infidelity on either or both sides, then rebuilding trust is an imperative. However, when infidelity happens, so many couples become lost as to how to do this with trust violated and emotions running high. There are steps that can and must be taken on both sides. If these are avoided it may not be the act of infidelity that kills the relationship, it will be the lack of trust giving rise to further 'secondary' damage to the relationship. As this secondary damage begins to cloud the real issue, so the relationship spirals downwards into blame and withdrawal where love is lost. Not necessarily dead, but certainly lost. Where trust has been broken by you, it is important to come clean straight away. Where an indiscretion has happened, being straight up about it will inevitably cause arguements and upset, but it can lead to deeper understanding of how this happened and further exploration on what each party needs. If the disclosure is made some time afterwards then this can be fatal to the relationship owing to the other party feeling not only betrayed but also kept in the dark about the truth for a period of time. Disclosure of infidelity needs to be handled with extreme care.

What happens on the side of the unfaithful party where indiscretions are not admitted to? Frequently, the partner who has cheated will pull back from the relationship and intimacy is compromised, usually out of experiencing the negative feelings of guilt and self-condemnation and a desire to avoid the full weight of these feelings. There is also likely an increase in feeling resentment towards their partner in attempting to reduce the self-condemnation. This resentment then increases the chances of further indiscretions and sadly further damage to the relationship. The love has very likely not gone from the relationship, however trust is quickly becoming untenable. Not only must we be able to trust others but we must also be able to trust ourself. If you find that you are in the grip of a pattern of infidelity and you do not understand why, then this makes holding mature, loving relationships painful. This does not mean that you cannot be trusted for the rest of your life but it does mean that you are not aware of why you are doing this and so will likely continue, no matter who you are with. Where a cycle like this has developed, is it possible to break it? The good news is of course it is possible. Possible, but not easy. Both parties must face up to honesty and choices. This will most likely require professional help, in the form of cognitive behavioural pscyhotherapy more than just counselling. There are more complicated issues regarding self-awareness, self-control and self-esteem to be considered as well as unravelling the relationship from additional secondary damage.

The good news is that in the aftermath of a betrayal from one's partner it is an opportunity to make the relationship stronger. Only possible however if the couple can get past blame about what has happened and begin to talk about a newer and better future. Blame, hostility or hysteria cannot continue forever. Discussing your partner's motives for betraying you may require professional help. Being open to sharing responsibility, not necessarily 50:50 in all instances of course, but for the problems you are having as a couple helps to build security and openness. Both need to talk honestly about how you feel in the relationship in general. Admit if you are feeling bored, unappreciated, worried, living outside of your own limits, and so on. Letting each other know what you expect from now on, and stating your limits about what you can and cannot tolerate provides further insight into each other's expectations and limits. Talking involves listening to your partner, whether you agree with them or not. It is only through this process that deeper intimacy is possible. If you cannot have this kind of conversation by yourselves, then find professional help right away. Do not wait as mistrust can become a habit and, as I said earlier, will likely create secondary problems in your relationship which corrode it further. A good therapist, psychologist, or relationship counsellor can guide you as you explore why the betrayal happened and how to avoid another one. In this instance, trust happens gradually and takes time, with talking, listening, a respect for differences of opinion and with lots of patience. As mistrust appears and disagreements happen, treat this as part of the process rather than panicking that you are back at square one again. If you both have a plan for how to get things back on track then when mistrust occurs (as it will) you can be prepared to stop the downward spiral accelerating. This process can take months, even years but the couples who succeed in building deeper intimacy together all say that their relationships are more real, loving, stronger and better than ever.

Why People Lie
Can you get your relationship back on track where your partner is incapable of being consistently honest about important issues for you or simply unable to be monogamous where you require monogamy? People who lie are not usually deliberately trying to hurt other people. The problem is with them. And so, if your partner says things such as "I have to lie / omit. You make it impossible for me to tell the truth" or words to that effect, it is important not to accept any part of the blame. The decison to tell the truth, whether the truth is hard to accept or not, is fundamentally important to building trust. Do consider what you can do in supporting your partner to make difficult disclosures and tell the truth. Asking what someone needs to be honest with you is a good start to fixing problems with honesty. Here are some of the reasons why people lie:

- to look good and not lose the love / admiration of the person they love. Chronic people-pleasers may find that they have a problem with honesty. It is all too tempting to try to be all things to all people. As we go through life however it becomes clearer and clearer that this is an impossible task.

- to avoid conflict. Avoiding telling the truth creates a superficial and false harmony but it is certainly more harmonious in the short-term than opening up a discussion on something you know your partner doesn't agree with.

- to avoid hurting one's partner's feelings. When we love and respect our partner it can be difficult to discuss the tough issues.

It is extremely helpful to realise that airing openly and honestly how you're feeling will have to happen at some stage in order to get a healthy and positive dialogue going and in order for the relationship to survive. New skills of assertiveness, communication and self-awareness may be required for this to happen for people who find honesty problematic.

Sexual Honesty
How about the instance where your partner says from the outset, "I might sleep with someone else and not tell you about it. Do you want to build a relationship with me on these terms?". This is perfect honesty, as a choice to accept the other's behaviour has been given from the outset. You have been given the opportunity to enter the relationship with your eyes open. This is a harder conversation to have, given the social norms that exist around forming and maintaining relationships, however if you do not believe in monogamy, it is an important one to have, as early as possible. If you are entering into a relationship or re-evaluating your relationship with someone on these terms then it is important to explore your own thinking about monogamy and then to discuss together some limits on how this could work. Certainly two individuals coming together can easily hold two very different perspectives about how a relationship can work without monogamy. Be prepared for your limits to be tested, as they would be with any relationship. Once one is outside of the boundaries of monogamy however, limits become even less clear and the relationship faces many more perils and challenges. Both parties must have finely tuned communication skills, the shared will and ability to build intimacy and be prepared for rocky times ahead. Of course this is true in monogamous relationships too! There are examples of happy, loving relationships that exist outside of traditional monogamy, however they are built on honesty, understanding, respecting each other's limits and so trust. Complete sexual honesty allows for couples to share their sexual fantasies and so to enjoy an even better love life.

Building Trust
Here are some basic pointers in building openness and honesty and so trust into your relationship:

- when an issue arises where you feel your trust is being challenged, talk about it. This can feel uncomfortable in the short term but it will bring you closer together. Questions might be "Where were you last night when I called and you didn't answer?"; "Who was that woman who came to your door this morning?"; "Whose face cream on your dresser does this belong to?". If you feel there's something wrong then ask. If you have the skills to have positive dialogues together, then difficult discussions are also possible. Where you both know that your goal is developing a happier, healthier relationship then difficult questions are possible.

- have the confidence to be who you are. Reveal your feelings — both the bad and the good. Be honest about what your intentions are for now and for the future. When you notice something that's going on inside of you, you must honestly talk about it. Resist the temptation to lie at all costs.

- be prepared to suspend your anger when your partner tells you something hurtful. Although incredibly hard if you are someone who reacts to hurt with anger, anger in the face of honesty makes honesty incredibly difficult. Ask for some time out in order to digest the information if you find you have an explosive temper. Do not talk after consuming alcohol as you will be more uninhibited and so prone to anger.

- select a trustworthy person. In the early stages watch and listen to what is done and said. If you notice warning signs (white lies, serious lies, broken promises) then heed them. An untrustworthy person isn't going to change overnight even with your support.

- select a trusting person. Someone who has had their trust devastated from an earlier episode in their life will have many more problems trusting, whether there are real issues or not. All relationships have problems, however someone who has lost the ability to trust can sabotage the relationship, prematurely walk away or simply refuse to fully engage. Where this is the case, it likely requires professional therapeutic guidance for this individual to re-learn how to reach out and take the risk of trusting, despite their inner warning voice that shouts "watch out, attack" or "watch out, withdraw".

- know what your relationship expectations and limits are so that you can talk about them early on. Tap into your emotions, good and bad, so that you can share them with your partner. Being self-aware means you can be honest with yourself. It is only where this is possible that you can be honest with other people. If you tell others the truth, you have a better chance of them reciprocating and you certainly have a better chance of growing that fulfilling relationship.

- respect each other as individuals and your rights to think differently, to hold different opinions and to enjoy doing different things. Be prepared to compromise and to give each other what you both need to enjoy life!

Ending It
Finally, ending a relationship has to be one of the hardest things for most people to do and to live with. Knowing when to walk away is difficult but important for anyone's peace of mind and general sanity. Where your partner is giving you mixed messages of telling you everything's ok but not spending time with you, is avoiding eye contact with you or is dismissing your concerns, you should consider seeking outside help as these are likely problems in communication. More seriously, where he or she is refusing to negotiate on some of your limits, e.g. you are asking for her to cease doing something that violates your trust and she avoids giving a straight answer or downright refuses; where there is an unresolved pattern of lying or being unfaithful; or where you are being expected to do things beyond your own limits, then sadly it will be hard to nigh impossible to maintain the relationship. Periods of intensive therapy can be sought but couples must be prepared that these are far more complicated issues that do not have straightforward solutions. Trial and error solutions require patience, love and the will to remain together as a couple on both sides. In the longterm, it is never enough for only one half to be trying to fix things.
This blog is intended to be an interesting mixture of psychological, sociological, anthropological, philosophical and theological (perhaps not so much, but inputs very welcome) exploration of how we human beings manage to sustain partnerships and relationships, in life, in love and in ourselves.